My Husband Said He Knows I Hate Him After His Affair Because He Hates Himself

By: Katie Lersch: It’s no surprise that emotions run very high after an affair. It’s normal for the cheating spouse to feel shock, anger, sadness, or even hate. You’d expect these things because the faithful spouse is the wronged party.

What you might not expect is that many cheating spouses claim to have these same exact feelings. They, too, may claim to feel anger and hate – but it is supposedly aimed at themselves.

A faithful wife might say: ” To say my husband’s affair blew me away is an understatement. I feel like an idiot, but I didn’t see it, and I should have had some suspicions now that I look back on it, but I didn’t. I’m also floored by who he cheated on me with. These were both people in my life that I trusted, so it is a double betrayal.”

“Unfortunately for me, I have a lot of challenging things going on in my life right now. So my husband’s affair isn’t all that I’m struggling with. It’s just another terrible thing in a long line of them. And my husband knows this. So when he’s trying to apologize to me about the affair, he tells me that he knows I hate him for what he did. Because he knows that he’s added strife to my life at the last time I needed it.”

“He admits his behavior was immature and inexcusable. I responded by asking him how he knew I hated him. I’d said no such thing. Honestly, I haven’t said much because I’m still processing. But my husband said he knows I hate him because he hates himself. He says there is no way to avoid hatred on all sides after what he’s done. I don’t know how to respond to this. Why would he be so dramatic? Why would he say this?”

I can only speculate, but there are common reasons that men say targeted things after an affair. I’ll go over some of them below, as well as offer some suggestions on how to handle this. 

He’s Posturing and Trying to Get You to Say that You Don’t Hate Him:  What I’m about to say is going to sound a little weird – especially since I was the faithful wife. But a cheating husband who has recently been exposed is in a difficult situation – from a strategic point of view. 

If he throws himself at your feet, takes all the blame, and apologizes profusely, he may fear that you’re always going to think that you’re perfectly in the right so you can endlessly tell him what an awful person he is. As a result, he’s now looking at a lifetime of being the spouse who will never be able to live normally again.

On the flip side, if he acts indignant and puts up at least some defense, there is the hope that you’ll eventually back off – or at least partner with him since marital issues take two people to solve.

And then he could try a middle-of-the-road strategy – he could try to feel you out first to see where your head is. Knowing where you stand allows him to come up with the most effective strategy.  

By saying he knows you hate him, he’s inviting you to tell him whether you hate him or not.

This allows him to gain more information about where he stands while also appearing to confirm that he’s fully in the wrong. It’s a way to get you to show your hand, while painting him in a more remorseful light.

He May Legitimately Hate His Behavior: People often assume that spouses who cheat are heartless. After all, they’ve betrayed their spouse in such a brutal way. They’ve lied. They’ve been sneaky. They’ve shown a lack of respect for their spouse. They’ve exposed their spouse to unknown and potentially unsavory variables. 

Again, I’m not trying to defend anyone because I have been there. But, I’ve done much research and therapy around this topic. And many cheating spouses are living in a fantasy world. They compartmentalize because they must to carry out their cheating. Therefore, they aren’t thinking too deeply about how their actions might hurt their spouse. They are living in a reality where no one needs to know. So their spouse won’t be hurt and they won’t have to deal with the aftermath.

When they see your pain, it is almost a shock to them. Their alternative world comes crashing down, and they must now face a very painful and harsh reality of their own making.  

So yes, they can genuinely hate their part in this. They can hate their own actions and their own poor decision-making. They may hate that they can’t take any of this back, and they have to look into your hurt eyes every day and know they can do nothing about it.

What’s the Best Way to Handle This?: The optimal way to handle this depends on your and your husband’s temperament and how you communicate with one another, but I believe a straightforward approach is a good option. Try very hard to remain calm and not to feed into the drama.

Focus on what you want and what you need, not on what he’s saying to try to get a desired response. He can say and claim whatever he likes. But right now, you also need to take care of yourself. Try something like: 

“This situation is so fresh and so painful that I am going to take my time in deciding how I feel and what I want. Of course, I’m shocked and disappointed. This is a large and unexpected betrayal. But how I choose to feel or what I want to do moving forward remains to be seen and will largely depend on your actions and our ability to heal.”

That’s probably all you really need to say. Give yourself the time to watch what happens and reevaluate without allowing someone to force you to define exactly how you feel before you’re ready to do so.  

He may well hate himself, but your feelings are your own until you are ready to or want to share them.

I don’t think you can ever go wrong by focusing first and foremost on what you need to heal.  In the beginning of the aftermath of my husband’s affair, I thought about everyone else.  That was a mistake.  The real healing didn’t occur until I focused on healing myself first.  You can read more of that story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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My Spouse Is Not Attempting To Come Home After His Affair

By: Katie Lersch: Many people grappling with the aftermath of an affair are extremely concerned about their spouse’s behavior and what this in turn means for their marriage. A big concern happens when the cheating spouse has left and makes no attempt to come home. This can leave the faithful spouse wondering what this turn of events means for their marriage.

You might hear a concern like: “One of my husband’s coworkers who is also my friend told me that he was having an affair with one of his women colleagues. I had hoped that my friend was just wrong. But she wasn’t. As soon as I confronted my husband, he admitted it pretty much immediately. I was so angry with him that I said some pretty mean and awful things so we got into a huge fight. My husband grabbed a few clothes and he left. And he has never been back since. We’ve been in contact a couple of times but when we are, my husband never discusses coming home. He swears that he is not with the other woman. But if this is true, why doesn’t he want to come home? Does his not even attempting to come back mean my marriage is over? Because I can’t not think of a reason that he wouldn’t want to come home unless he just doesn’t care about me or our marriage anymore.” I will try to address these concerns below.

There are actually many reasons that a cheating spouse may not be immediately attempting to come home. I will go over some of those reasons for this as well as offer some suggestions on how to handle this below.

Some Possible Reasons That A Cheating Spouse Won’t Try To Come Home: It’s very normal to assume the worst case scenario here. Many faithful spouses will assume that the cheating spouse is staying away because he no longer loves them or is no longer invested in the marriage. And I won’t tell you that this can’t possibly be the case. Sometimes, it is. But there are other possibilities as well.

Sometimes, the cheating spouse stays away because he respects you enough to give you some time to process this. He may also assume that you are so angry that you really don’t want to see his face right now. Or, he may be giving you some time to be alone with your thoughts.

He might want for some time to go by and for emotions to calm a little bit before he attempts to come back home. Or, he may be waiting for you to give him some sign or to take the lead.

Often, he has no idea how you are feeling or what you want. So he’s waiting for you to give him some guidance before he attempts to come home and is possibly turned away or rejected. As you can see, not all of these reasons mean that he no longer wants you or the marriage. He could be confused or giving you time or waiting to get more information from you before he over steps boundaries that may no longer be his right to cross.

How You Might Want To Handle This: Frankly, sometimes having a little time apart or allowing a little distance in order for the anger and panic to wane can actually be beneficial. So there often isn’t a real need to rush things – as long as the affair is over.

I would honestly suggest giving yourself enough time to decide what you might want before you even approach this situation. In other words, if you’re not sure if you want to save this marriage, then there may not be any point in trying to get him home right now. But, if you come to the conclusion that you might want to save your marriage, know that this doesn’t always require that he comes home. What I’m trying to say is that you are better off making sure that he comes home at the appropriate time than to rush it and then make the situation worse.

I always feel that you should focus on healing the relationship first and worry about the logistics later. In other words, if you can heal your marriage, then saving it is going to be the next logical step. And if you take care of the healing, then things generally fall into place without your needing to fret too much. So, I would think that you’d like to address what is going to happen moving forward before you worry about him coming home. Urging him home before either of you are ready may just set you up for failure.

So I would suggest something like: “I know that we are in the middle of a difficult situation right now, but I’m wondering if you have any idea as to how you want to move forward. I can’t ignore the fact that you’ve made no attempt to come home. I am just wondering if this has any implications on how you feel or what you might want. Can you share with me if you have any feelings about moving forward? Or are you just unsure and reluctant to make any decisive move?”

Then you just sit back and listen. Allow him the time to make a complete response. He may tell you that he doesn’t yet know what he wants. He may ask you how you feel right now. But either way, at least you will have had a conversation and are no longer completely in the dark about his motivations.

My husband and I lived apart for a short period of time after his affair.  I actually think this benefited us, at least a little bit.  He came back rather quickly, but we had to set some guidelines because things were very awkward.  Looking back now, our healing was much more important than our living situation.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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The Reasons Why a Husband’s Affair is About So Much More Than Sex

By: Katie Lersch: I find that of all of the things that a spouse could focus on when they find out or suspect that their partner is cheating, sex is almost always the thing that is focused on the most.  Most people want to know what the sex was like, how it differed from intimacy with them, and if their spouse enjoyed it more.  Wanting to know these things is understandable, but it’s very important to realize that the answers to these questions really don’t help you heal and will only paint a negative picture that’s going to be very hard to get out of your head.

Additionally, it’s a fact that very often, affairs have less to do with sex than you may think.  It’s often much more effective to focus on other aspects of the affair, as usually, other things contributed more to it and fixing these things will help you (and your marriage) much more, at least in my opinion. I’ll explain what I mean by this in the following article.

Cheating Is Often About Much More Than Sex: There’s a perception that affairs are filled with sleazy, hot sex that the cheater couldn’t get at home.  While the sex in an affair can be different for many reasons, the sex is often not the cornerstone of why the cheating happened.  In fact, many spouses who cheat often have very fulfilling or at least regular intimacy at home.

Often, cheating is really about attention and feeling competent and unique. So many men tell me that what was so attractive about the mistress was not how she looked or even the spark between them.  (So often the other woman is not even as attractive as the wife.) It was that she looked at him with adoring eyes, listened intently, laughed at his jokes (which the wife has heard a million times), and that he felt connected to her for some reason.

In short, the other woman is very “into him” and this feels good.  Because the wife has known him forever, and has responsibilities and distractions at home, it can feel that his wife isn’t as “into him” in the same way.

So many affairs happen at work because the close quarters and the “team work” atmosphere that is encouraged contributes to boundaries being blurred.  Very few men intend to cheat at work.  They aren’t looking for this and are sometimes caught off guard when it happens.

They usually go into the relationship for innocent and valid reasons, but over time they find that the person at work is meeting emotional needs, is showing attention, and is making them feel valued and understood.  He is sharing common tasks with her and this evolves into a more emotional realm.

Many men who speak about their affair spend more time describing the emotional connection rather than the physical one.  I have absolutely no doubt that the majority of men cheat more for emotional reasons than physical ones.  Yes, the sex is a bonus and they aren’t going to turn it down.  It’s exciting and new.  This can’t be denied.

But, the sex is often perceived as better not because of what she does or doesn’t do, but because he perceives that she’s really into him and he’s not feeling this at home.

What To Focus On (Besides Sex) If You Want To Save Your Marriage After An Affair:  I’ve already alluded to the fact that wives (and husbands too) who have been cheated on can become obsessed about the sex in the affair.  This is completely understandable, but I hope that I’ve shown you that there is so much more to an affair.  And, there’s so much more that you will need to address when you move forward to save your marriage.

So many spouses who have been cheated on feel that they need to swing from the chandeliers or do things that make them uncomfortable to get the spark back.  This just isn’t true.  What your spouse wants more than anything is to feel that you understand, appreciate and desire them.  A wife who initiates sex and then enjoys it is going to be so much more attractive than one who is putting on a show and doing something that isn’t typical.

But before you even worry about intimacy, you first have to reestablish the emotional connection.  You need to feel heard, understood, and appreciated every bit as much as your spouse does.  You need to figure out what vulnerabilities lead up to the affair and then fix them so that you are secure that you won’t have to deal with this again.  And, you need the time, distance and accountability to begin to rebuild the trust.  Then, it’s important to start focusing on creating a new, better reality that you can both be excited about.

Don’t feel like you need to rush yourself to have sex again.  It’s never wrong to wait until you know -without any doubts- that the time is right

Once the healing is behind you, know that reestablishing the emotional connection will go a long way toward establishing the physical one. You don’t have to participate in things that make you feel uncomfortable or you don’t want to do.  Your spouse is going to know that you are faking anyway.

It’s better to get to a place where you can freely and comfortably engage in something that you are enthusiastic about and genuinely find enjoyable.  This will be more fulfilling and exciting to your partner than anything else.

I know that working through this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. If you can get through to the other side, your marriage can feel somewhat new and quite fulfilling again. At least that was true in my case. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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When a Husband Cheats and Blames His Wife

by: Katie Lersch: In a sad irony, some wives are blamed for their husband’s cheating. This can be so unfair and frustrating. Dealing with his cheating is bad enough. Being blamed for it is even worse. It’s important for you to keep telling yourself that he was the one who cheated and made the decision to take the action that he did. You are not responsible. No matter what the state of the marriage was, there were other options that he did not take.

But, knowing this and getting him to accept it can be two very different things. And, there are many reasons that a man will try to turn the tables on you in this way. But you don’t have to accept this and you can often make him understand and accept your stance. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Why Married Men Who Have Cheated Will Sometimes Try To Shift The Blame Onto Their Wives: Sometimes, when I discuss this situation with people they will respond with something like “well, he’s trying to blame her because he’s just a heartless jerk.” Sometimes, this is true, but other times, the husband is taking this stance as a means to turn the attention away from himself.

Sometimes he’s embarrassed. Sometimes he’s guilty. Sometimes, he knows that he can’t provide you the answers that you really need. So, he’ll do whatever he feels just might work in turning the attention and spot light away from himself. He’ll attempt to turn it to the most convenient person in the situation – the wife.

This doesn’t mean that he totally blames his wife. It usually means that he’s just trying to use smoke and mirrors to get this whole thing to go away as quickly as he can manage. Sometimes, he doesn’t want to look at the man staring in the mirror back at him and feel the guilt that is deep in his heart. Many times, the wife will have to make it crystal clear that in no way is she to blame for someone else’s actions.

Making It Very Clear That You Are Not Going To Take The Blame For His Cheating: When a husband tries to pull this, you’re often going to be better off if you cut this off as swiftly as you can. Make it very clear that his attempting to shift the blame is unacceptable and that you’re never going to buy it. Make it very clear that one requirement of your working with him to fix things is his taking responsibility for his own actions.

You can even tell him that you are fully aware that he had countless choices and options to deal with his unhappiness or temptations. He could’ve discussed this with you. He could’ve sought counseling. He could have asked for some space. He could’ve removed himself from the situation. But, he didn’t. Instead, he chose to move forward and be unfaithful. This is no one else’s doing but his own. No one is to blame but him.

It can help to make it clear that your recovery doesn’t require score keeping or tallying blame, but for your own well being, you can’t allow yourself to take on blame that doesn’t belong to you.

Know That Each Person Has Their Own Lessons To Learn Right Now: Although you are in no way to blame for your husband’s cheating, there are always lessons that can be learned that will actually strengthen you and help you grow as you move forward. Every one and every marriage has vulnerabilities and places where they can improve. If you can use this to shine a light on them and fix them, then at least some good came out of this.

Don’t be afraid to shine a light on issues that can be improved and worked out. This isn’t taking the blame. This is using a very bad situation to bring about positive change and awareness. And, doing this work will often help you to have confidence when you’re moving on. If you don’t challenge and work through these issues, they continue to follow you around, hurt you, or leave you vulnerable. Looking them right in the face and staring them down will usually help you to begin to regain your power.

Maintaining Your Self Esteem: There’s a final reason not to take on the blame for his cheating that bears mentioning. If you allow yourself to take responsibility for something that wasn’t your fault, you only allow you self esteem to deteriorate even more. Having your husband cheat on you can be a huge blow to your self esteem – at least at first. One of your biggest challenges moving forward is sometimes regaining your self worth. So, don’t allow for yourself to have even one more thing to overcome by taking on baggage and guilt that isn’t yours to claim.

One step in dealing with your husband’s affair is claiming your strength even when you don’t feel strong. This took me a while, but eventually I got the hang of it.  And I eventually used that strength to heal myself and to do my part in healing my marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Why Some Marriages Survive an Affair and Some Marriages Don’t

by: Katie Lersch: I once had several conversations with a wife when her husband’s affair was still fresh. Of course, the pain was still very raw and she was struggling to process everything. She was starting to suspect that she might want to save the marriage but she didn’t know if this was going to be possible. She wanted to know what, in my observation, were the factors that lead some marriages to survive an affair while others couldn’t.

She asked, in part: “What makes one couple able to save their marriage after infidelity or an affair while another couple can’t? What factors decide which marriages make it and which marriages don’t?”

There are actually many things that come into play, at least in my opinion. I will discuss many of them in the following article.

Sometimes, One Spouse Just Isn’t Willing To Save The Marriage After An Affair: Although I’ve seen plenty of marriages successfully be saved when one spouse is reluctant or doubtful, ultimately, both spouses have to eventually be on board with saving the marriage. (Notice that I said “eventually.” It’s fine to have doubts while waiting and seeing what’s going to happen before you walk away for good. Sometimes, giving the situation time (even when you’re doubtful) is the best thing that you can do.)

Other times, the spouse who had the affair doesn’t want to let the other person go. Or, the faithful spouse can decide that they just can’t move past this. However it happens, both people either can’t get on the same page, aren’t able to do the necessary work, or are just unwilling or unable to move on.

One Spouse Sees Recovery in Inflexible or Hurried Terms: I often see people assume that they are in an “all or nothing” situation. They place a lot of pressure on themselves to forgive or move on within a certain time frame. When this doesn’t happen, they become very discouraged and worry that their marriage just couldn’t recover.

The truth is, it might have recovered if they had given it more time. There are going to be some struggles and everything’s not always resolved neatly and quickly. Sometimes, the best that you can do is to just commit to hanging in there and seeing what unfolds.

You don’t have to make any commitments or decisions immediately. It’s OK to have struggles and doubts. But if you walk away too early, you’re giving yourself the answer that you feared the most without letting it fully play out.

Often, Miscommunication And Misunderstandings Destroy A Marriage After An Affair: Here’s another unfortunate dynamic I see. Both spouses can become so guarded and reluctant during the fall out after the affair that no one is showing or saying what they really feel or what they really want.

As an example, let’s use a couple where the husband cheated and truly is sorry. However, he’s not all that great of a communicator but he apologizes and shows remorse as best as he can. The wife though, doesn’t buy his apologies. She says he’s only sorry because he’s caught. He denies this and continues to apologize, but every time he does, he gets the same angry response.

Over time, he becomes frustrated with this and stops saying how sorry he is and becomes somewhat defensive. In her own response, the wife thinks, “See, I knew he wasn’t really sorry. I knew that he didn’t really care.”

As a result, the wife shuts down. She really wants for her husband to be affectionate, reassuring, and genuine, but she wouldn’t trust him even if he did. So, she assumes that he doesn’t really want her and doesn’t find her attractive anymore and she retreats even further.

See what’s happened? The husband really is sorry and the wife really does still love him, but neither of them believe that these things are true and their actions reflect this and only make the situation worse. No one’s really being forthcoming and no one is truly getting what they want, which is very sad, since deep down they both want the same thing. I often tell spouses that they just need to keep being honest no matter how awkward and vulnerable it feels because it’s the only way to make sure that you have a fair chance of truly getting what you want.

The Trust Is Gone And Isn’t Restored: One of the biggest obstacles marriage marred by an affair face is restoring the trust. This betrayal is so painful that no one ever wants to repeat it. So, it’s completely understandable that the faithful spouse is going to be reluctant to trust again. And the cheating spouse often understands this at first, but the longer it goes on, the more likely it is that the unfaithful spouse will become resentful and pull back.

I often hear comments like: “What do I have to do to make her trust me again?” The answer is often that you have to give it some time and you have to go out of your way to be accountable. You have to call and check in. You have to be where you say that you’ll be. And you need to include her in your activities when you can so that she has no reason to question you.

In short, you become a dependable, predictable, loving and trustworthy spouse so that she has no reason to be suspicious.

If this work? Yes, it is. But if your marriage is important enough to you, then it will be worth it. Restoring the trust is not something that you can or should put off. It’s absolutely vital. Because if you don’t get the trust back then you’re going to rehashing the same old issues so that you can never really move on and truly save the marriage.

I know about all of these obstacles because I faced (and eventually overcame them) in my own marriage. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, our marriage actually did survive my husband’s affair. You can read about how it survived at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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How to Live With a Man Who Cheated

By: Katie Lersch: Many women struggle to move forward after their husband or boyfriend cheats on them. Sometimes, they are dealing with a one night stand or a fling and other times, they are dealing with a full blown affair. Usually, they don’t want to or can’t afford to leave, but they are still having difficulty with the situation. They are often still reeling and angry. They might not understand why he cheated or where to go from here. They often want very much to heal, but they just don’t know where to start and they can’t imagine what would make them feel better without any drastic changes taking place.

Some of the comments you’ll typically hear are things like this:  “I’m not going to leave him even though he cheated. I want to work this out. But every time I look at him, I just feel so angry. Sometimes I hate to even be in the same room with him. We fight all of the time now. The cheating is the elephant in the room that neither one of us want to mention. I want things to get better and I want to save the relationship but with this much anger and awkwardness, I’m not even sure that’s possible. How do I live with this man who cheated on me when my emotions are just all over the place?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Accept That Healing Is Going To Take Some Time And Attention: Many people want to fix the relationship as soon as possible. They hate feeling so angry and they hate the way that they hurt. So, it’s tempting to try to rush or gloss over the process of recovery. But it’s often unrealistic to think that you’re going to heal simply because you want to. Often, in order to truly move on in a healthy and lasting way, you will need to do some work to facilitate healing. This often means understanding why the cheating happened and placing safeguards in place so that it doesn’t happen again.

It also means working hard and taking the time to restore the trust and to rebuild the relationship. It means rehabilitating the man so that he won’t act the next time troubles arise. You both can acquire new tools to help arm yourself with new ways of handling issues before they become overly problematic. All of these things will make living with and loving him much easier and more healthy for you, but these things do take time and effort that usually just can’t be rushed.

Set Some Ground Rules So That You Aren’t Forced Into Something That Makes You Uncomfortable Or Compromises Your Feelings: I understand that often you can’t afford to move or leave or that sometimes you just don’t want to be displaced because of a decision or a mistake that he made. But just because you’re not leaving, this doesn’t mean things have to be the same as they have always been if you’re not comfortable with this.

You might want some time and distance and there is nothing wrong with asking for this. Perhaps you’re not comfortable sharing a bedroom or living in close quarters right now until some healing or rehabilitation takes place. There is nothing wrong with this. The key is to be open and honest so that there aren’t misunderstandings and resentments. It’s important to be forthcoming about what you are thinking along the way. Because if not, people will sometimes make assumptions that aren’t true and they will act on those assumptions.

So consider saying something like: “I just need some time and room for myself right now to process this, but this doesn’t mean I’m not open to you or healing once I understand why this happened and can trust that it won’t happen again.” In this way, you’re not leaving him to assume that you’re rejecting him or won’t ever forgive him. You’re just requesting the space and time to help with your healing, which is certainly understandable.

As long as every one understands what the other wants and needs and works together to achieve this, progress can usually take place. The problem is that people will often stop talking because the conversation can be difficult and awkward so people just clam up. This is when the misunderstandings and assumptions can take hold, which will often make things worse.

Don’t Be Shy About Asking For What You Need. Don’t Get Caught Up Worrying About What You Should Be Doing Or How You Should Feel: In this situation, many people worry about what others think or allow themselves to get caught up in what they should do or feel. You’ll often hear comments like “I feel like I should be over his cheating by now.” Or “I feel like I’m not making enough progress and he’s getting frustrated with me.”

You can’t worry about the “shoulds.” There is no set time line and you shouldn’t have to feel pressured when you are dealing as best you can with something that is so difficult. If you yourself are frustrated with your own progress, ask yourself if there’s something that you need that you aren’t getting.

Perhaps you don’t believe that he’s truly sorry. Perhaps he hasn’t been honest with you or forthcoming about why this happened. Maybe, deep down, you blame yourself or don’t believe in you or your marriage’s ability to recover. Whatever is holding you back, it’s so important to identify it so you can address it properly. Anything can be overcome if you understand what that thing really is.

Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage survived my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is intact. And infidelity is not something I think about all the time.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Does Knowing the Whole Truth (And Everything About) an Affair Make Things Worse?

by: Katie Lersch: A wife once told me that her husband agreed to sit down with her and tell her “all of the details of his affair.” The wife admitted that she had been asking for this information for quite a while. About six months ago, the husband told the wife that he felt very guilty about something and finally admitted that he had a very short affair which was now over. But, beyond this very limited information, he was unwilling to tell the wife much more than this. Ever since, the wife had been demanding answers (which the husband had been very reluctant to give.)

Finally, the husband agreed to tell the wife “whatever she needed to know” about the affair. Initially, the wife was relieved, but the more she thought about it, the more she began to have concerns and reservations. She wondered if having all of these facts about the affair and about the other woman was only going to cause her more pain. In short, she wondered: “will knowing the entire truth about his affair just make things worse or do I need to know everything?”

The answer to this questions varies somewhat depending upon the situation and the people involved, but I definitely have some opinions on this based on my own experience and on the experiences of other women I know. I will discuss this more in the following article.

You Need Enough Details About The Affair To Ensure That You Know What Type Of Situation You Are Dealing With: I agreed with the wife that being kept in the dark was not in her best interest. At this point, she had no idea who the other woman was, how the husband met her, or how and when they carried out the affair. Not having this information put the wife at a distinct disadvantage when it was time for her determine how she wanted to proceed.

In order to decide if the marriage is worth saving and how you can safeguard the marriage in the future, you need to know what (and who) you are dealing with. In my opinion, at minimum the wife needed to know: who the other woman was; how and why they began the affair; how long the affair lasted; who else was involved in the deception besides the two of them; and how the husband planned to rehabilitate himself and the marriage.

This is the minimum information that most women want to know, but some women have many more questions than this, which is certainly understandable. But, there is a fine line between wanting to know enough information to make an educated decision and dwelling on the things that are only going to hurt you and are likely going to make things worse.

The Details About The Affair That Might Make Things Worse Rather Than Making Things Better: Many women tell me that they want “all of the details” about their husband’s affair. But, sometimes, once they hear some of the specifics that they thought they wanted, they find that they just can’t get certain images and thoughts out of their heads. There is a fine line between demanding the details that you need to know and getting the details that are going to hurt you needlessly and delay your healing.

I always feel that you should focus on the details that will strengthen rather than weaken you. These types of things are individual. But, in general, it will often hurt you to know the very specific details about the sexual aspects of their encounters. Many women tend to dwell in this area and want a very detailed description of exactly what happened and how much this was enjoyed by both parties. The answer to these questions can be very painful and I have to tell you that most women don’t believe what the husband says in these instances anyway.

I’ve had women tell me that they wish they had never asked what type of perfume or lingerie the other woman wore because now they find themselves dwelling on these things or feeling pain every time they catch a whiff of the perfume in question or walk by the lingerie department at their local super center. I understand that it’s very tempting to want all of the answers, but there are some answers that only cause you needless pain that is quite difficult to overcome.

It can help to ask for information very gradually, starting with the most dire questions that need to be answered so they can evaluate the situation. Once you have the basics down and then give yourself some time to begin healing and evaluating where you want to go from here, you can then begin to ask yourself what else you feel that you absolutely need to know. And, even then, it’s advisable to move very slowly and to take it one question at a time. After that, give yourself the opportunity to process and then reevaluate the situation as you take in more information at a very gradual pace.

I know that these questions and considerations are painful, but with the right plan, things often do get better. Rebuilding my marriage after my husband’s affair took a lot of time, hard work and effort, but it was worth it. I now understand him, our marriage, and myself much better. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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What If My Husband Was Happier With The Other Woman Than He Is With Me?

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives doubt how their husbands really feel about them after an affair.   They often doubt that their husbands really want to be with them or that they were really their husband’s first choice.

Such with the case with a wife who said:  “After his affair, my husband took some time and decided that he wanted to commit to me and our children.  He has kept up that end of the bargain.  He is trying his best to work with me to save the marriage.  But, deep in my heart I believe that he thinks he was happier with the woman he cheated on me with.  Sometimes, he gets a far away look in his eye that is sort of like longing.  When he gets like this, I think that maybe he’s feeling nostalgic for or missing her.   He doesn’t know this, but I saw some photos of his phone of him and her before he deleted them.  They actually looked quite happy together and, frankly, he doesn’t seem all that happy right now.  I just can’t get over the idea that he was much happier with her and, although he’s committed to me, he doesn’t really believe we’ll ever be happy.   Is there any way for me to move past this?”

It Sometimes Takes A While Until A Husband Can Truly Understand And Process His Feelings For The Other Woman:  This is going to sound awful, but I truly believe that men sometimes grieve the loss of the affair even when they are totally committed to and still love their wives.

Usually, an affair ends quite abruptly without a lot of closure or time to say the things that need to be said.  And this sort of quick end can leave a husband wondering.  This doesn’t mean that this woman was the great love of his life or that he will spend the rest of his life longing for her.

But it can mean that he hasn’t yet had time to process this or reflect on it.  There is every reason to believe that once he does, he will understand his feelings a little better and they will therefore start to wane.  It’s often when a man has some distance that he begins to realize that nothing about the affair (much less the feelings he had wrapped up in it) were real.

Sure, he may not realize this now, but it’s likely that he will.  And frankly, if you bring this up all of the time or dwell on it, you are only continuing to bring attention to her which runs the risk that this will cause him to continue to think of her as something forbidden and therefore worthwhile.

It’s Not Advisable To Draw A Lot Of Attention To His Feeling About The Other Woman (Or Compare Them To His Feelings For You  – Especially In The Beginning:)  I know that it might be tempting to grill your husband about exactly how he still feels about (or how often he thinks about or longs for) the other woman.  But again, this just draws attention to things and might give the feelings strength.

Quite frankly, right now, your focus should be on the two of you and on your marriage.  I know it’s easy to believe that your marriage hinges on how he feels about her, but if you leave it alone and focus on strengthening your bond with him, these feelings will often fade once he has some perspective.

It’s Not In Your Best Interests To Make Assumptions About His Feelings and Perceptions About (And Happiness With) The Other Woman:  Here’s one one point that I would like to make.  It’s just not advisable to make assumptions.  Both of you likely have feelings and perceptions that change by the day.  It’s doing you a disservice to make assumptions that, not only might not be true, but might also affect your ability to move on and to try to save this marriage in a healthy way.

Your best bet is to take it day by day focusing on those things which you directly control.  You can control your actions.  You can control how you react to his behaviors and to your own perceptions.  You can control how you conduct yourself.  And you can control how much concentrated effort you put into yourself and in your marriage right now.

Honestly, the less time you think about her, the better off you will be in my experience.  As difficult as it might be, the best course of action is to place your attention and your focus on your husband and yourself, especially if your goal is to save your marriage.

If you do these things and do the work necessary to repair your marriage, there’s a pretty decent chance that at least some recovery might take place.  By worrying about his happiness with someone else, you potentially compromise his happiness with you.

I promise that recovery is sometimes possible no matter what he thinks he feels in the beginning.  If I did it, anyone can. You can read about our recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Ruining Your Life By Cheating: Is There Any Way to Right the Ship?

By: Katie Lersch: Many people will tell you that cheating on their spouse is the worst mistake of their life. Most of them would do anything to take it back. But of course, they cannot. Unfortunately, what is done is done. And they must deal with all of the damage that follows right along behind it. 

And as bad as that reality is, it can get worse. Sometimes, the person who is cheating begins to feel that this mistake is going to not only follow them around for the rest of their lives, but it is also going to ruin their life. 

Someone might say, “I wish I had a decent excuse as to why I cheated on my spouse, but I truly do not. I screwed up. I had no impulse control. I was not thinking. I just acted. And immediately, I knew it was a mistake, and I knew I should stop, but I did not. I felt so weird about it, that I just wanted to get it over with. To my credit, I told my spouse right away that it was only a one-time thing. That doesn’t matter. I get no extra points for that. My spouse doesn’t care that I acted honorably after the fact. She cares about the fact that I betrayed her. She looks at me with disgust now. She told family and mutual friends. Everyone knows what I’ve done, and everyone looks at me differently. I feel differently about myself. I think less of myself. My spouse has checked out of our marriage, and I feel sure she will divorce me. And I will likely be alienated from my children, and my financial situation will deteriorate. I realize that I brought this all on myself, but my whole life has changed because of this. I have ruined my own life, and I feel it will never change. How do I make this right and change this?”

It might seem weird that I, someone who has dealt with a cheating spouse and eventually fought to recover myself and my marriage, would be sympathetic to this, but I actually am. I don’t believe that someone’s worst day should always dictate the rest of their life. But at the same time, I defend the faithful spouse’s right to proceed how she sees fit. She’s been dealt a horrible blow, and it is her right to decide what is in her best interest moving forward.

That said, I’ve seen many couples – including myself – go through this, and things rarely end up as dire as they seem to be in the beginning. Yes, some couples do divorce. And yes, sometimes there are financial consequences. However, you have the chance in the future to have some input on the outcome, as follows:

You Have the Opportunity to Have Integrity From Here on Out:  Yes, you made a mistake. But you can make it so that you never repeat it. You can put one foot in front of the other and act honorably in every interaction going forward. You can deal with your spouse with patience and understanding. And you can give yourself the same courtesy. 

If you need to seek counseling to heal the way you feel about yourself, please do. It’s never good to go through life hating yourself. Doing so will negatively affect every relationship you have. Try your best to find a way to love and support yourself again as quickly as possible.

Know that as You Act Honorably Day After Day, Many People Will Come Around:  I purposely didn’t tell many people about my husband’s infidelity. But some of the people I did tell were furious with him for quite some time. My husband did what I needed to help me heal, and acted honorably day after day, week after week, and month after month. Eventually, the people who had made harsh judgments about him came around and saw that he had at least partially redeemed himself.

I can’t promise you that your spouse will be one of the people who comes around, but some people likely will. 

Prioritize Your Healing:  As a faithful spouse, I can’t tell you how much I advocate prioritizing the faithful spouse’s healing. That’s incredibly important, and I advocate doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Because the damage from having your spouse cheat on you is deep.

But believe it or not, I always advocate the cheating spouse prioritizing themselves and their well-being as well. Because two healing people make a better outcome. 

Being the guilty party in the affair can feel as if you are constantly being beaten up. It can feel as if you will never be able to do anything right. You can feel like the worst type of person. And self-hatred is a real possibility. 

Allow yourself to remember the good things about yourself and how you’re trying to make the best of it now. 

Know That This is a Long Game:  Your spouse may seem to not want you around right now. She may bristle at the sight of you. I can’t promise you that will change any time soon. But I can tell you that it can change in some cases. 

 The way I felt about my husband initially and the way I feel about him now is night and day. My anger took over my entire life then and I’m no longer angry today. The affair consumed me initially, and I don’t think about it constantly now.

Things change. But you may have to wait it out. You will have to be patient and know that you may need to wait weeks or months. You may just need to keep showing up even when it seems like there isn’t much progress.

Because one day – there might be – if you do not give up. Admittedly, your relationship with your wife has changed. It may recover. It may not. But that doesn’t mean that your life is not redeemable. Do the right thing, keep going, and prioritize healing for everyone involved. And you never know. Things might look very different, and much better, eventually. 

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I healed to see that it is indeed possible, at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

 

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Do Husbands Who Cheat Or Have Affairs Have A Guilty Conscience?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives and women who ask me if cheaters have a conscience. But there seems to be a special category in this question for husbands. People seem to think that infidelity is a worse offense if a husband cheats. After all, he has made a lifetime commitment to be loyal to one person and he has broken that commitment by cheating. Not only that, but many husbands are also fathers. Many people feel that, in a sense, they are cheating on their family as well as their spouse.

I often hear comments like: “does my husband have no conscience at all? We are going through a huge amount of stress in our lives right now. He knows that I’m struggling. But instead of having patience and being there for me, he goes out and cheats with someone else. And when I confronted him, rather than being sorry, he made all sorts of excuses. He sounded like he blamed me more than he blamed himself. How could someone with a conscience do this? How could the guilt not be eating him up inside? If I cheated on him, I’m not sure if I could live with myself. And yet, he almost acts like he was justified in his actions.”

I think that in situations like this, what I’m really being asked is whether the husband realizes that his cheating is truly wrong and whether he feels any guilt or remorse. I do have some insight into this topic and I will discuss it more below.

In My Experience And Observation, Cheaters Really Fall Into Two Categories When It Comes To Guilt And How This Affects Their Conscience: I spend a lot of time chatting with others about this topic and I conducted a lot of research on this because of my own life. It’s my belief that you basically have two types of cheaters. The first type is the repeat cheater. It’s not uncommon for this type of person to be unfaithful in the majority of the relationships that they’ve been in.

A lot of the time, people will think that they can change this person. In fact, many relationships start out this way. What I mean by this is that I often hear from women who are dealing with infidelity with men they cheated with in the first place. She might have cheated with him previously and now he is cheating on her. So what you get is a pattern that continues to repeat itself because the person who is cheating is either not rehabilitated or doesn’t respect his relationships enough to remain faithful.

In cases such as this, it’s clear that the conscience of the person who is cheating is not affected enough to stop his behavior. He may tell you that he feels guilty and he may even experience a touch of guilt when he sees how much he has hurt someone else. But at the end of the day, his need for variety, his low self esteem (or the various reasons for his behavior) are greater than any guilt he might feel.

On the other hand, the other type of cheater is not a repeat offender. Usually, these are the people who don’t have any infidelity in their backgrounds. They tend to have long term relationships where they were loyal and faithful. But then something in their life, their circumstances, or their relationship causes them to make the decision to stray. These are the types that are often filled with remorse and this remorse and guilt affects them deeply enough that it stays with them and makes them less likely to cheat again.

Determining Whether He Feels Guilt Or Remorse For Cheating On You: The first basic question to ask is whether this is his first time cheating. Obviously, the more he has cheated, the less likely it is that guilt is having any effect on his behavior or thought process.

The next place to look would be at his behaviors and actions right now. I will say that some men will posture and attempt to act unaffected as a way to diminish your reaction. But usually, once you make it clear that this isn’t going to work, you will see their true feelings and where they actually stand. Every man and situation is different, but generally speaking, a man with a healthy conscience will feel enough guilt to sit down with you and try to explain what happened and why. And, if he’s still invested in the relationship, he will generally eventually be willing to work with you toward saving and strengthening it.

Some men are very demonstrative about their remorse. They will show a lot of emotions and feel anger at themselves and others are more soft spoken and introverted about the whole thing. (The level of emotion doesn’t necessarily correspond with the level of guilt.) But it’s often their actions (rather than their reactions and words) that will be the best indicator of how they truly feel. Men who are truly sorry will try to make this right to the best of their ability. (Keep in mind that their ability might be different than how you would react, but many try as best as they can.)

It’s Not Always Advisable To Dwell On A Man’s Guilty Conscience. Sometimes, This Can Backfire: It’s understandable to want to see some remorse. You want to know that he understands that his actions were wrong so that he is less likely to repeat them. But sometimes, people dwell on this so much that it becomes central part of the relationship.

Yes, he should be sorry, but he’s not going to want to feel badly about himself and dwell on negative emotions for the rest of his life. If you dwell too much on how horrible he should feel, he may begin to distance himself just because he associates you with feeling negatively about himself. No one wants to feel as though they are a bad person. It’s perfectly understandable to loathe the decision he made, but you don’t want to make him feel like you loathe him, especially if you want to save the relationship in the long term.

I understand why you want to see signs of a guilty conscience for his cheating. But sometimes, it’s better to focus on the positive and on the healing.  Because healing is really when you can both turn the corner.  And healing is not impossible, but you have to be determined and methodical. You can read a more about how I did it on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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