The Fallout from My Husband’s Affair Makes Me Feel Constantly Anxious, Unwell, and Nearly Ill

By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve never dealt with a spouse’s infidelity, you might assume that you’ll deal with a week or two of massive shock and sadness until you eventually level out in a relatively short period of time. Even if you’re still struggling, you might think, you’ll still need to start to move on relatively quickly – for your own well-being.  

Unfortunately, that massive shock and unease can last longer than weeks or months for some people and can certainly be more dramatic and painful than many assume.

In fact, some wives feel downright anxious, unwell, or ill – which obviously gives them more unpleasant things to deal with than just their husband’s affairs. 

A wife might say, “When I was in college, I had a couple of panic attacks. I got counseling, and I haven’t had another in many years. However, after I found out about my husband’s affair, I had another and have had them repeatedly. I constantly feel anxious. I go to bed anxious and I wake up anxious. I feel a constant sense of dread. I have trouble functioning in the job I’ve had and thrived at for many years. The constant fight or flight stimulus has me literally feeling shaky – like I’ve got low blood sugar. I just generally feel unwell all of the time, like my life has turned into a train wreck that is never going to end. I wasn’t at all like this before the affair. I was well-adjusted, functioning quite well, and had a good life. But no more. I feel like this has infidelity has ruined my life, and I can’t seem to right myself. Is this going to last forever?”

I can only speak for myself and from the observations that I’ve made by watching other women that I’ve seen go through this. No, it does not last forever in many cases. But I know exactly what you mean about the anxiety and the unease. I experienced this as well and I’ll go over some things that helped me to deal with it at the time. 

Don’t Place Judgements on the Feelings and Don’t Resist Them: I will admit that I spent some time in counseling after my husband’s affair. I went by myself for the first visit because I just wasn’t sure that I wanted anything to do with him at first.

A counselor asked me why I was judging myself for the anxiety and unease, as though these things were my fault or that I was weak for feeling them. Honestly, I had difficulty answering this question, but I told her that the vast discomfort the anxiety caused resulted in strong negativity. So yes, I had negative judgments because the anxiety was leveling me.  

And yes, I was resisting the anxiety because it was painful. She said that my resistance was just making the anxiety worse. She asked me to try – just for a while – to just observe the feelings without judging myself or experiencing more negativity about them. She told me to try to watch them go by – like clouds floating away. Doing this, when I was able to, meant they lost at least some of their power. And over time, once I saw that I could and would get better, the anxiety did begin to fade.

Give Yourself the Gift of Distraction: I know that when you are dealing with the aftermath of the affair, things feel immediate. You want to feel better right away, so you think that you need to white-knuckle this thing every single day. 

You feel like you need to “work” every waking minute. But you know what that does? It keeps you worked up, on high alert 24/7, and that is just not good for you. 

So permit yourself to distract yourself with things you can lose yourself in and enjoy. I would read mysteries, watch binge-able television, and bake.   

I don’t think I’ve ever read so much as I did during that time. But reading forced me to sit down, be quiet, and devote my mind to something other than worrying. (I had to solve the mysteries in my books.) 

Reading may not be an escape for you, because everyone is different, but pick what works for you.

Try to Get Clear on What Might Expect From Your Husband Moving Forward: Unfortunately, there often isn’t a quick fix after an affair. You need time to process what is happening, and it will take time to heal and rebuild – assuming you’re interested in that.

But what you can ask for quite early on is what to expect from your husband. Does he plan to end the affair? Can he exhibit behaviors to reassure you, such as coming home early, not going out with risky friends, and giving you access to his phone and social media, etc?

If he’s willing to do these things, that will increase your peace of mind and decrease your anxiety. The more you have to wonder about what your husband is doing, who he is with, how he feels, what his intentions are, etc, the more you’re likely to feel uncertainty and, therefore, anxiety.

Take Care of Yourself:  One last thing you can do is take care of your physical and mental needs. Get counseling if you need it. Eat well (I took to skipping meals because I was upset, and this made me nauseous for days on end.) Drink enough water. Get exercise. Go for walks in the sunshine. You are the only one who can truly prioritize your own well-being, and you deserve to feel as well as you can.

Not taking care of yourself is like continuing to be punished for something that you didn’t do and that isn’t your fault. Why should you suffer anymore than you already have?  Be kind to yourself, give yourself permission to take what you need, and make no apologies.  I can’t pretend I did all of these things from the jump. I didn’t. I needlessly suffered first.  But I learned that if I didn’t take care of myself, no one else would. You can read more about my healing and recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Why Do Married Men Cheat? What May Well Be the Real Reason

By: Katie Lersch: Because of my past history with infidelity and the upkeep of this blog, I can’t tell you how often I think and talk about why men actually cheat on their wives. And I believe that I have an accurate answer, but it may surprise some people.

 See, most folks assume that when a married man cheats, it’s because there’s something wrong with the marriage. They think the husband is bored with his wife, their sex life is dull, or the other woman is somehow younger and therefore better – or more attractive. Some even believe that the wife doesn’t understand, appreciate, or shower enough time and attention on her long-suffering husband.

I’ve spoken with many men who have cheated, as well as wives who have been cheated on. And I’ve seen many couples grapple with the aftermath of cheating. Based on this and my own experience, my take is completely different. 

Inward, Not Outward: Honestly, I think most men would be pretty happy to believe the assumptions that I listed above. Why? Because it takes the blame off of them. It means that they don’t have to look within themselves. It’s more comfortable to look outward than inward.

Because here is what I believe is the truth. The underlying cause of infidelity often lies within the man himself. It’s not about the wife or the marriage at all. It’s actually about the man and what is going on inside of him. 

Doubts and Self-Esteem-Issues: More often than not, cheating husbands are driven by doubts and issues about themselves rather than doubts about or within their marriage. It’s not exactly a coincidence that infidelity often occurs during times of personal stress or crisis. 

Many husbands, whether they want to admit it themselves are not, are in a situation where they are worrying that they’re no longer as desirable, successful, or worthy as they once were. 

So it’s a no-brainer that when someone comes along offering attention, reassurance, or flattery, those things will appear to be an alluring solution to this self-doubt. 

So he takes the bait, believing that no one will find out or be hurt. Unfortunately, that’s rarely the case. The wife finds out, she is hurt beyond description. But of course, at the moment, he’s not thinking about the consequences. 

And when he’s caught his self-esteem, unfortunately, takes another hit, amplifying his doubts and making him more likely to be indignant – making things worse.

That’s not to say that issues within the marriage have no role in his cheating. It would be naive to deny that they can’t be a contribution. But I believe that it’s often the internal issues that are the driving force, and therefore the husband will make the marital problems appear worse than they really are because he wants to justify his cheating. 

This is why I often tell wives that it’s more about feeling appreciated and understood than it is about sex or intimacy. Ultimately, it all boils down to how he feels about himself.

Influences from Male Peers and Culture: Studies and statistics show that men with friends or male family members who cheat are more likely to cheat themselves. So, your senses are telling you that something is off with your husband, and you suspect him of cheating, take a closer look at his friends, uncles, and father. 

Sometimes, men are unfortunately surrounded by family, friends, and coworkers who consider infidelity a normal part of life and are able to separate it from the love they feel for their wives. 

They may claim to be happily married and deeply in love, but they still cheat because their cultural upbringing tells them that physical cheating is perfectly fine as long as there’s no emotional involvement.

Does the Why Really Matter?: A wife might ask, “Why am I so obsessed with understanding exactly why he cheated? Shouldn’t the fact that he betrayed me be the main focus? I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.” 

I understand her perspective completely. But for wives, it can be incredibly challenging to comprehend how their husbands can claim to love them and still cheat. It’s a struggle because they would never behave that way. 

For example, I don’t care about the circumstances. I can tell you unequivocally that I would never cheat on my husband. It just would not ever happen no matter what. And that is why my mind has a hard time wrapping my head around why he would do that to me.

But let me be clear: I’m not here to defend men who cheat. I’ve been through the pain of betrayal, so I would never defend such actions. It is a choice – regardless of the reason for the internal struggles. There is always a choice. 

However, I do believe that understanding the why can help in the healing process. Knowing what you’re dealing with allows you to make informed decisions about how you want to move forward. It’s important to realize that a man’s cheating is often not the wife’s fault. Even happily married men with beautiful and attentive wives can cheat due to low self-esteem, internal crisis, poor impulse control, and societal messages and norms. 

So, there’s no reason for any wife to blame herself or her marriage for her husband’s cheating. And there is no reason for her to feel “less than” or to beat herself up. Because in actuality, it was her husband who was flawed. Not her. Not her marriage.

If you can see your husband as someone who was grappling with insecurities, aging, and crisis, it could possibly help in dealing with him moving forward – assuming that you are still invested in having a relationship with him, which is completely and totally up to you.

Whatever you decide is perfectly valid. You get to decide what works for you. There are no right or wrong answers. You get to think about your own well-being, wishes, and requirements.

I ultimately decided I wanted to heal my marriage and I haven’t regretted it. (You can read more about that here.)  We are still married today and I’m much happier with him than I would be without him.  But everyone has to make that choice from themselves.

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The Most Important Things To Know After Your Husband Has an Affair. What Should You Ask Him About His Cheating?

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives dealing with infidelity have countless questions about their husband’s affair. Not surprisingly, many of them are unsatisfied with the answers that they are receiving and the resistance that they are meeting when they ask these questions. 

You might hear a comment like, “I deserve answers about his affair. There are many details that I want to know and many questions that I have. But, I doubt that he’s telling the truth, and it’s like pulling teeth to get any decent response. How can I ask the right questions in the right way to find out what I need to know?” I will try to answer these things in detail in the following article.

Wait Until You Can Be Calm And Define Which Questions Are The Most Important To You. (Know That Your Responses Will Potentially Influence Future Answers:) Finding out that your husband has been unfaithful is a huge blow that can send you reeling. To this end, you will generally want to begin filling in the blanks almost immediately. It’s completely natural to want to know who she was when this happened, how long the affair lasted, who knew, whether it’s still going on and whether he loved her. 

These are probably the most common questions that are asked.

But, if you fling these out all at once in the heat of the moment, what you get is sort of verbal dodgeball. You’re flailing accusations and anger, and he’s doing his best to think quickly and deflect things as best as he can. 

Things are typically moving so quickly that neither of you is really processing what is happening or which answers are coming forth. And, although he doesn’t mean to, he’ll sometimes tell you what “sounds right” rather than what is really true.

Although I know that it can be very difficult, it can help this process a lot if you can take the time to define which questions are the most important to you. These are the questions you know that you are going to dwell on if you don’t get them answered to your satisfaction. 

You’re going to ask these first because sometimes a husband’s patience will become short when he’s having to disclose things that he would rather not. It really can help to write the questions down. 

Once emotions start running high and the conversation switches subjects, it’s easy to forget some of what you wanted to say.

You might want to start by telling your husband that you’re going to do your best to be calm so that you can both get through the exchange without emotions causing an abrupt end. 

Tell him that you need these answers to help with your assessment of the situation so that you’re better able to decide where you want to go from here. Tell him that his honesty is vital to begin restoring the trust. Continuing to lie to you is going to be a strong indicator that he is not serious about righting this wrong.

Once these things are said, begin asking your questions. Try to let him finish his response before you interrupt in anger are indignant. Because if he feels overly judged and criticized, he’s going to clam up or walk away, and then you will still have those questions you need answered. 

Remember that your first criterion is to get those answers for your own well-being. You can debate the rest later, once you have the information that you need.

Consider Skipping Over The Questions To Which The Answers Might Deeply Wound You Or Won’t Matter Anyway: I’m speaking from experience, and I certainly don’t make any judgments when I say that women whose husbands have had an affair tend to obsess over the small details that don’t really matter to the situation. 

However, these things appear to matter very deeply to us. We want to know those small issues like what type of lingerie or perfume she wore, where they met if they had pet names for one another, what was her job, or was she smart or funny?

This list can go on and on. And sometimes, a husband will patiently try to answer these questions, until he realizes that the answers seem to only make you more and more angry and make you retreat from him even more. 

Over time, he learns to zip his lips as a form of self-preservation. Know that if you continue to ask the questions that cause pain and don’t really matter, you run the risk of him closing off this process altogether.

Always try to ask yourself if what you’re asking is going to help you heal or will help you accurately evaluate the situation to feel better. Because many times, this information is only going to make you feel worse and is only going to lead you to have more issues that you want to address. Sometimes, it can become an endless and destructive cycle that just feeds on itself and gets you nowhere.

What I Consider The Most Important Questions That You Need To Know About Your Husband’s Affair: I absolutely understand why you have the inquiries that you do. But, looking back with a bit of distance, it’s my opinion that the most important questions have to do with moving you forward toward a healthier future rather than keeping you stuck in the past.

Often, the things you really need to know (assuming you are still interested in your marriage) are things like: where was our marriage vulnerable, and where can we fix it? How can we safeguard our marriage from going through this again? How can we reconnect and restore the trust? How can I restore my self-esteem so that I don’t always have these doubts that sabotage me? And, how can we craft a new marriage so that we are not living in the past?

Admittedly, there are a lot of important inquiries here. And, you do deserve answers. But, it’s so important to prioritize and focus on those things that move you forward in a healthy way rather than ensuring that you remain in pain.

There was a time when I thought I would never get my questions answered but I just had to learn how to ask the right way and that was the start for healing.  It was the start of us being able to build again – although only the start. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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I’m Not Sure If We Can Save Our Marriage Because Of All The Resentment I Feel After His Affair

by: Katie Lersch: Some wives dealing with the aftermath of an affair may describe themselves as “overtaken with resentment.”  As an example, a wife might be dealing with a husband who confessed that he’d had a year long affair. The wife didn’t even begin to see this coming and was completely blindsided and devastated. For the past year, she had really been struggling. She had moved out for a few months and had even talked to an attorney about a divorce, but what had become clear to her during this time period was that she absolutely did not want a divorce.

And, she was caught off guard by this because she was so angry and resentful toward her husband. But, every time she thought about divorcing him, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it.

She might say, in part: “For whatever reason, I must love him because I’ve found that I really don’t want to divorce him. But, I can’t live like this either. I am so filled with anger and resentment that I can’t even interact with him in a positive way anymore. I know that this is no way to save a marriage, but every time I look at him, I just feel disappointment. What in the world can I do?”

The wife’s situation is not at all uncommon and there was no reason for her to be angry with herself. She most definitely had a right to her feelings and they were completely understandable. However, she had to find a way to loosen their grip on her because she just wasn’t at all happy or at peace with the way things were. I will share some tips that might help before.

Why This Wife’s Resentment Over The Affair Was Common And Understandable: First of all, the wife seemed pretty angry with herself for still feeling resentment after all of this time. But she’s being way too hard on herself. She was forgetting that she did nothing to deserve having her entire life altered by one person’s actions (which she had no control over.) One morning she woke up thinking that she knew what her life entailed, but by night fall, she was to question everything she thought she knew.

If this isn’t having the rug pulled right out from under you, then I don’t know what is. And, unless you have been through this yourself, it’s difficult to understand how very painful this is. You feel as though you don’t know what’s real and that you no longer have your bearings. And you often very much resent feeling like a victim. All of the wife’s feelings were justified and understandable.  There was no reason to beat herself up about feeling the way that she did. Nor did she need to try to suppress the feelings. Letting them out helps you to deal with them. This didn’t mean that she needed to take the resentment out on her husband because this wasn’t working either (and was really only making things worse.) But, journaling or talking to a counselor or trusted friend might help her to release these feelings once and for all.

Often, Getting Your Needs Met And Seeing Some Improvements Will Begin To Lessen The Resentment: In situations like this, its relatively easy to see where the anger is coming from. This wife didn’t feel as though her husband was really sorry for having the affair and she didn’t feel that he had done enough to fix the situation. Basically, the wife just felt like the husband was trying to pretend that none of this had happened and he just wanted for things to get back to normal as soon as possible.

So, the wife was angry that nothing was really changing and she was just expected to carry on without any meaningful change or rehabilitation. This really isn’t fair to ask of anyone. And, rather than continuing to be angry about this, the wife had the option of speaking up. Admittedly, it can feel unfair to have to spell out what you need and want to happen after the affair, but sometimes this is the only way to get those things.

One option is to approach your husband when you can both could be calm. She could consider telling him that the anger was tearing her up inside and she was well aware that he didn’t enjoy it, either. She could stress that she no longer wanted to live this way. She could tell him that she wanted to be happy and at peace again but she needed for some things to happen for this to be possible. The wife could then spell out the things she wanted such as the husband stressing that he really was sorry and the husband working with her to rehabilitate the marriage.

Often, husbands in this situation express that they are willing to do just about anything to make things better. Many of them know that this is all their fault and they really do want to make amends. But, they just don’t know what to do or say and they know (and can plainly see) that you are angry and resentful. So, sometimes, they wonder if they wouldn’t be better off to just not burden you with any further discussions about the affair. It’s usually not until you spell things out for them that both people begin to get more of what they want.

Honestly, restoring your marriage to a happy and peaceful place is usually a sure way of getting rid of that resentment. When you can get to a place where the affair is no longer coming into play (since you’re more focused on your own marriage that is in the present) then you’ll sometimes find that you no longer want to look back and cling to those negative feelings that were holding you hostage.

I struggled greatly with completely letting go of my resentment over my husband’s affair. But, eventually, I was able to make some real progress. I am now myself again. And cheating and resentment are no longer on my mind. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/.

 

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Can I Truly Put My Trust in My Husband After His Affair? How Do I Know For a Fact That He Won’t Cheat Again?

By: Katie Lersch: Questions stemming from the trust after an affair is among the most common I hear. People want to know how they can ever trust again after so brutal a betrayal. And they worry that if they dare to trust, they might be burned again.

A wife might say, “We are months post-cheating, and yet, our marriage still struggles and it comes down to trust. I just can’t bring myself to fully, completely trust him. There is just a tiny part of me that feels afraid that if I let down my guard, he’ll cheat again. And I doubt if I will be able to withstand this twice. I’m already so furious at him that another bout of cheating would truly ruin us. But he’s constantly telling me I have to trust him or our marriage won’t even be the same. And while I know this is true on an intellectual level, I am not sure I’ll ever believe it emotionally. How do you trust him again after an affair, and how do you know for sure that he won’t cheat again?”

Why Trust Seems So Impossible After Infidelity: Trust is a vital part of any healthy relationship, and when infidelity occurs, it shatters the trust upon which a marriage is built. Not surprisingly, the faithful spouse never wants to go through this again, so, to protect themselves, they go through life with skepticism and distrust. And you can’t blame them. They’re trying to protect themselves from being hurt. I understand this intimately as I went through it myself. In fact, I was certain that I’d never “blindly trust” my husband again, and frankly, I was willing to live with that instead of opening myself up to risk. I was willing to let my heart scab over it it meant not having it broken. But that was also a painful way to live.

That’s why this article will try to cover some important things to think about as you struggle to regain trust (or decide if you even want to) and will offer some tips on truly moving forward and trusting again if you’d like to go that route. 

Give Yourself Loving Patience and the Luxury of Time:  Many people feel pressured to trust again quite soon. They think that if they can’t give their trust freely, they might never be able to give it. In my experience, this just isn’t true.  

What’s more, forcing yourself to offer up trust before you are ready to do so can actually lead to more doubts and more fear. 

There’s nothing wrong with seeing restoring the trust as what it actually is – a gradual and ongoing process. You need time to heal. You need time to process. In my observation, if you want true healing and peace, this process can’t be rushed. Don’t let anyone (including yourself) rush you. Because you’ve been through enough, give yourself the luxury of time. 

There’s no downside to taking all the time you need so that you can genuinely give hard-won trust.

Understand that Trust Must Be Earned by Someone Else: It may sound harsh, but the burden is on your husband to earn your trust. The burden is not on you to freely offer it before you are satisfied that he has earned it.  

To that end, if you doubt your spouse’s rehabilitation and remorse, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him where he’s falling short and then waiting to see him give you what you need. Sure, most husbands want things to “get back to normal” as soon as possible, but a truly remorseful husband will understand that he’s responsible for healing and rehabilitation for as long as it takes. 

Understand that your reluctance is completely natural considering what you’ve been through. There is no need to apologize for wanting to see consistent, desired behaviors from your husband before you’ll consider offering trust. 

You don’t need to move forward until you see what you want to see but know that it does feel really good to trust again eventually, so I’d suggest allowing yourself to believe that trusting again one day is possible – because in my experience, it is. 

Make No Apologies for What You Need:  What you’re going to need to offer your trust again really depends on you. Everyone is different, so there is no standard solution. Some people need to see very long-term remorse and change and others are more willing to forgive quickly based upon their spouse’s past behaviors. There’s no right or wrong answer. There’s no need to feel guilty if restoring trust takes some time, or to feel weak when you give it.

Don’t hesitate to ask for what you need. Some wives need full accountability, and the knowledge that their husband does not have the time, inclination, or opportunity to cheat again.  

If that is what you need, tell him because he cannot read your mind. And make no apologies for it. You deserve to get whatever it is that you need. And until you get it, you likely won’t be able to trust or move on. 

Can You Ever Get a Guarantee?:  I am going to be honest with you. I know of no way that you can “guarantee” that a spouse won’t cheat again. But what you can do is watch your husband’s behaviors and rehabilitate your marriage for as long as you need to to feel comfortable that you can put your trust in him.

I also recommend working on yourself because it helps to have confidence in YOURSELF that you can handle whatever comes up in your future. If you have that, you don’t worry as much about the “what ifs” because you know you can handle them.

It did take me a good while – and it took him much effort – for us to restore the trust. But taking as long as was needed was worth it because we no longer have to walk on eggshells around infidelity. And frankly, the peace of mind I got while taking a more gradual approach to trust was the least my husband could endure, and he accepted that because he knew that the affair was his fault, and he was eventually sufficiently remorseful for it.

I understand how challenging rebuilding trust truly is. And I’d never downplay it, but I’d encourage you to prioritize it because it really can feel like a weight is removed once it naturally happens. Conversely, if you decide that you just can’t do it with this man at this time, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. But it’s your choice. Don’t let anyone pressure you into it. 

Ultimately, one day I decided that I was safe to trust my husband unless he gave me a reason not to – and thankfully, he never has.  I have not regretted it because he hasn’t made me regret it.  And I am happy with our stable marriage today. But none of this would have happened if I haven’t given him the chance. You can read the whole story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Once Men Go Back to Their Wives After Cheating, Do They Stay?

By: Katie Lersch: Because of what happened to me, I’ve spoken with wives whose husbands have recently returned to them after cheating or having an affair. While many are relieved that their husbands have returned, they are also often filled with doubt about whether the marriage will survive and whether their husbands will end up staying with them for the long term.

I often hear comments like: “He came back to me after his affair, but is he going to stay? I’m really scared that he’ll eventually go back to her and that I’m just wasting my time. Do men often stay after they come back from cheating? How do I know what he’s going to do in the days to come?”

The truth is, you can’t see into the future and there are never any guarantees that he’s going to stay. But what you can control is how you handle the situation right now and your efforts to improve the marriage and the level of happiness for both of you. These things can improve the chances that you’ll both want him to stay. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Him Coming Back After The Affair Or Cheating Is Only The First Step. There’s Still Work To Do: Sometimes, people assume that his coming back to them is the final victory. They’re so relieved that it doesn’t appear that they’ve lost him for good that they don’t dare question things or want to rock the boat. But, if you haven’t done anything to address why he cheated on you or had an affair in the first place, then you potentially leave yourself vulnerable to his cheating or leaving again.

Not only this, but if you don’t do the work that’s necessary to really rehabilitate the relationship and heal the hurt caused by the cheating, you will likely secretly have your doubts that he really wants to be with you or that he really wants to stay. This type of doubt can sabotage or weaken a marriage or relationship that already has much to overcome. That’s not to say that any of this will be easy, but hard work is often the thing that will give you confidence in the relationship again so that your doubts aren’t sabotaging what you want the most.

Once The Work Is Done, You Have To Make A Decision. Do You Trust Him Or Not? Do You Have Enough Confidence In The Relationship?:  Working on your relationship after infidelity can feel like an uphill climb. I often tell people that if they still have doubts, this usually means that there’s still work to do – either in your relationship, yourself, or your partner. I can’t stress enough how much you should not rush this process even though it’s often very tempting to do so.

If you still have concerns and doubts, this is sometimes an indication that there’s still some area that doesn’t have a resolution or enough closure or safeguards. Sometimes, I will have people tell me that they’ve uncovered every stone and done everything that can be done and they very much want the relationship to work. But despite all of this, they continue to worry that he’ll leave or cheat again.

If you’re absolutely sure that you’ve been given what you need to heal and you also know that he’s been sincere, remorseful, and rehabilitated, then sometimes you just have to make a very conscious choice to trust him until he gives you a reason not to. This can feel scary, uncomfortable, and vulnerable. It can be hard to have confidence in a relationship that has already let you down. 

But if you continue on always worrying that he’s going to leave again when he has not done anything to indicate this isn’t the case, you run the real risk of your fears becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

However, if deep down you worry that your fears have merit, there’s nothing wrong with continuing to work on the relationship to keep your fears from actually occurring. This is better than constantly fearing and expecting the worst-case scenario.

I eventually decided that my husband deserved a chance.  Now, if he betrayed that trust, that would likely have been the last straw.  But he did not. He made good on his promises.

Early on, I had my doubts that my husband would stay after his cheating. Thankfully, he eventually learned how to show his true remorse and how to move us both forward. And, I learned that I had some work to do on myself. Ultimately the work I did on myself was key because it restored my self-esteem and ensured that I was no longer obsessed with worry my husband will cheat again. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Will Shaming My Husband Make Him Feel Guilty About Cheating or Having an Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: One of the biggest concerns that many faithful wives dealing with an affair have is that of remorse and guilt. They WANT their husband to feel shame, guilt, and remorse. Because they figure if he experiences these painful emotions, he will think twice about cheating again.

Unfortunately, many of these wives don’t get the desired remorse. And many aren’t sure how to inspire it. 

The thought process goes something like this: “My husband’s response to being caught cheating is maddening. If I were in his shoes, I would fall at his feet, admit that I am a weak human being who doesn’t deserve this marriage, and apologize profusely. But my husband hasn’t done any of these things. He told me he would end the affair, and then acted like I should just keep on keeping on. When I ask questions, he says that he will answer whatever I want to know once I calm down some. Fair enough, I guess. But I see no signs whatsoever of guilt. If it were me, I would feel so guilty I couldn’t make eye contact with him. I would feel awful if I betrayed his trust in that way. I’d feel terrible for bringing someone else in our bedroom. And yet, he seems to have no such reaction. I find myself trying to make him ashamed and embarrassed. I am not proud of this. But I don’t know what else to do because I’m absolutely going to need to see that guilt. Will shaming my husband get me some remorse?”

Actually, in my experience, it might get you a short-term reaction, but it’s more likely to do some long-term harm. I’ll explain. 

The 411 on Shaming: When you try to shame your husband to feel guilty about his affair, you might try to humiliate him or make derogatory comments at his expense. And frankly, many people would feel that you are justified in this. I mean, you may think that you need to do whatever is necessary to get the desired result if he gives you no other choice.

But here’s the problem with that. If you go a bit overboard with the shaming, he will feel degraded and will eventually get defensive and less motivated to want to please you because now he is retreating. 

He may also feel very resentful at the shaming – which will deteriorate your relationship even more.  

Understanding Genuine Guilt: What you want is for your husband to feel genuine guilt that wasn’t coerced. And this is only going to come when he realizes that he has violated his own moral code. He’ll need to understand that he knew his behavior was wrong but chose to do it anyway – disappointing himself and you. He needs to understand the deep consequences of his actions, and the fact that he cannot undo what he has done. 

Genuine guilt comes from self-reflection, which is vitally important because when a person feels genuine guilt, this can actually be a spark for growth and repair. This is very different from shaming guilt – which is reluctant and resentful.

The Harm You Can Bring About With Shaming: The danger of shaming your husband is that you will get the exact opposite consequences than you were seeking. 

 Instead of a remorseful husband, you may get one who is resentful of your shaming and who, as a result, now feels justified in his actions and is, therefore, more – not less – likely to cheat again. 

He may be indignant and avoidant in trying to diffuse your attempt at negative emotions. Of course, this would further deteriorate your marriage and make him feel less motivated to make this up to you. 

Finally, if you make your husband feel worthless (and as if he can do nothing right,) he may retreat. And when he retreats, you’ll just have a shadow of a real marriage. Instead of him being invested like you want, he’ll only be there in body but not in mind or heart. 

And now he’s doing nothing to examine what might have led to the affair and which of his behaviors left him vulnerable.

What to Try Instead: I know that this is asking a lot, but the better play is to try to have somewhat positive interactions and open communication. Yes, you want him to feel remorse, but you don’t want him to feel like he’s the worst person in the world who will never get your forgiveness.  

Instead, you need him to WANT to make it up to you and to make you proud to be his wife again. You want to motivate him to be the husband that you deserve. And he’s not going to do that if he feels like he can never win.

Ask him to be honest about what happened, and try very hard not to create an atmosphere where he can’t speak freely. (If this is impossible on your own, counseling or self-help can be useful.) 

At the end of the day, he needs to feel empathy and closeness with you to feel guilt and remorse. He isn’t likely to do that if you are disparaging him at every turn – even if you have a good reason to do so.  

I hope this has helped. I completely understand your inclination to shame him. I felt it too. But when I tried it, the result was a huge backfire for the reasons I just laid out. I regretted it and then had to backtrack. 

Keep the end goal in mind. You want him to genuinely feel that you deserved better – and then for him to strive to give you what you need. He’s only going to get there with genuine remorse. And genuine remorse doesn’t happen with shaming. 

I eventually got the remorse I wanted to see from my husband, but it took much groundwork first.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Truly Moving on After Your Spouse Cheats or Has an Affair – Tips on How to Do It

By: Katie Lersch: Most people hope that they’ll never have to deal with marital infidelity. But when they do, it can be an unexpected pain that is unparalleled. The thought of moving on can seem impossible and very far away. Even when you want to start moving on, contemplating the steps to do so can make you feel frustrated, stuck, and as though you might never get your life back.

A wife might say, “My husband knows better than to ask me to forgive him right now. I can’t even think of it. I have always thought that people who cheat on their spouses are low-quality people that don’t deserve understanding or empathy. And honestly, parts of me still believe this. At the same time, I hate living this way. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my husband. But it almost seems like moving on can be separate from him. Because no matter what happens, I don’t want to keep living in sorrow and focusing on lack. But how do I even begin to move on, when I’m still so angry, hurt, and shocked?”

I believe it is possible to move on – no matter the circumstances – because you can do it independently of anyone – or anything – else. I was eventually able to move on myself after my husband’s affair, following some starts and starts. I eventually did save my marriage later, but I believe the process is the same regardless of what happens with your marriage. Here are some tips.   

Vow That You’re Going to Move on Whether Everything Falls Into Place or Not: I can’t tell you how many people hesitate to move on because they feel that their partner hasn’t been punished enough or they feel like not enough time has passed. They may also worry that moving on means that they are accepting their husband’s behavior, which certainly doesn’t seem fair.

Another possibility is that the faithful spouse feels that everything they want or need hasn’t yet happened. And until it does, they just can’t – or won’t – move on. This is a shame because I believe you don’t always need to check off every box to move forward. 

It’s important to understand that moving on is for YOU. It doesn’t mean that you erase your memory or deny reality. Instead, it means that you have made the conscious and healthy decision that you no longer want to live your life stuck in the mire of your partner’s betrayal. (Of which you are in no way at fault, by the way.)

When you prioritize your own healing, you decide not to hold onto your anger and grief – and all the negativity that comes from that. Letting it go is necessary for YOUR own well-being, not for his. 

So vow that you’ll move on even when everything isn’t perfect or wrapped up in a beautiful bow. 

Figure Out Where You’re Stuck And Move Forward From A Place Of Healing Rather Than Blame: Most people know that they are going to need to explore what went wrong, and then try to fix it to move forward – even if they are still stuck. However, many feel a lot of resentment about this, especially when they are not the ones who cheated. This is understandable.  

But remember that whether you walk away from your marriage or stick it out with your spouse, you’re going to carry whatever issues remain with you. So it makes sense to look at this and evaluate how you can escape healthier because of it. 

Ask yourself where you’re still unhealthy and where you’re still holding on and how you can now let go. The past is exactly that. The self-evaluation and healing process may not always be fun but know that you’re ultimately making your life easier moving forward. Because whatever issues you don’t heal, you’ll have to drag with you.  

Focus on Yourself and Get Needed Support: Make no apologies for making yourself your primary focus right now. Take care of yourself like you would a best friend or favorite sister. Be ruthless about that. Prioritize your physical and emotional needs because you come first. I really lost myself in exercise during the time period after the affair because it gave me a much-needed outlet. And a more toned body helped my self-esteem.

Surround yourself with those who love and support you. But be careful about who you “let in.” The last thing you want is to hear family members lecture you about how they never liked your husband, etc. That is why I honestly didn’t tell many people in my family. I enjoyed interacting with other faithful wives online. They “got it” because they were going through the same thing, and there were no judgments. 

If You Feel Stuck: If you have made the commitment to yourself to move on, but you just can’t seem to do it, it’s important not to beat yourself up. Sometimes, it’s too soon, and you need a little time to grieve and process this. Sometimes, we look at the future with worry rather than hope. And sometimes, whether we know it or not, we harbor some anger at ourselves, worrying that we’ll never be good enough. It’s easy to get caught up in a “what if” cycle that never ends.

Another reason for getting stuck is believing that we just haven’t gotten closure. If something needs to be said, please gently say it. It’s so much better to get it off your chest and move on than to sit there and harbor anger and remain stuck. 

If you need to rebuild your self-esteem so that you don’t go forward lacking confidence, by all means, give yourself permission to do so. You deserve whatever you need. Don’t suffer when it’s not necessary. Please do what you need to do to free yourself from this burden.

The Bottom Line: Remember that moving on doesn’t necessarily mean forgiveness or reconciliation, although it can if that is what you choose. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and moving on can give you that. 

I don’t dwell over my husband’s affair anymore.  Instead, I try to live my best life for myself. Yes, he is part of my life and I’m happy about that, but I have learned to prioritize myself and my own well-being because it’s healthy for both me and my marriage.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Why Do I Feel More Anger at Myself Than At My Spouse After His Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: Most people realize that it’s very normal to feel outright rage after you find out that your spouse has cheated and had an affair. But what some do not realize is that you can feel anger not only toward your spouse but also toward yourself. Even the wives who are feeling this may not fully understand why it happens.

A wife experiencing this phenomenon might say: “I must hate myself deep down or something. My husband cheated on me. We’d been doing just fine marriage-wise. Or so I thought. I was just cruising along in my life thinking that everything was perfectly fine. What a fool I was. While he was presenting to me that we had a nice life, he was deceiving me. He was betraying me. And I hate myself for my idiocy. I am a complete fool. And I was complacent. My anger is directed more at myself than it is at him. And when I tell this to my friends, they say that I am crazy. How do I explain this, even to myself?”

I know that how you feel may not make sense to others, but I completely understand it – although I believe you are NEVER at fault for someone else’s cheating in any way whatsoever. You are in no way at fault. 

However, I do understand the thought process, as anger at myself was one of the wide range of emotions that I too felt. Here is why I believe that we might be angry at ourselves – no matter how misplaced this may be. 

It’s Easier to Aim That Anger at the Easiest Target – You: Many of us aren’t quite ready to have a true heart-to-heart with our husbands until some time has passed. We need time to process. And we need time to see how he’s going to behave going forward. If it’s not to our satisfaction, then we can just wait and watch. 

Since we may not be engaging with him honestly from the jump – we also aren’t healing immediately. And so our anger festers. It percolates. Eventually, it has to go somewhere. And he’s not immediately available.

So where does it go? Ourselves. After all, we’re right there. We’re the person we know best. And frankly, we had higher standards and expectations for ourselves. How could we miss it? How could we be so dense? Are we so unlovable that we invited him to do this?

All these thoughts are absolutely ridiculous, by the way. You’re not at fault. You’re not to blame. But it’s so easy to play mind games on ourselves and to be our own worst enemies. 

Why You Didn’t See It: For me, a big part of my anger was that I was caught unaware. It made me feel very stupid and out of touch. I should have been more observant. I should have felt a shift. Did I not pay enough attention?

Here’s the thing. We don’t see it because we assume that our spouses will treat us like we treat them. We aren’t cheating. We wouldn’t even think of it – and so we assume the same of them. 

Dishonest people see dishonesty. People who betray see betrayal. Since we aren’t doling out that type of behavior, we don’t see it in others. Most loving, trusting people just aren’t looking for this type of behavior because living your life that way just wouldn’t be much fun. 

Don’t beat yourself up for this. It honestly means that you’re a good, trusting person, which sort of leads me to my next point. 

Try to Place Your Anger at the Action and the Situation, Not at the People: I remember once when my husband and I were going around in circles after his affair. We were raising our voices because we were both very frustrated. My husband asked me if I hated him as much as I appeared to. I surprised myself by blurting out that I didn’t hate my husband – I just hated what he did.

After I paused and thought about that for a second, I realized that it was true. I couldn’t hate my husband. Until that time, he had been a wonderful partner to me. He’d been there for me during my darkest times. He’d been my rock for most of my adult life. So no, I most certainly couldn’t hate him.  

But I most certainly hated the mess that were in. And I hated that he had put us there. I loathed what he did.

However, realizing that I didn’t hate him allowed a shift. It returned respect to our interactions, and it helped soothe some of the drama. I’d love to say that everything was rosy from that point, but it wasn’t. Still, it was the start of a long trajectory toward improvement – and eventual healing. After some time had passed, we learned to work together instead of tearing one another down. 

It’s easy to understand why you are angry. You have every right to be angry and to express that anger, but please don’t turn that on yourself. You don’t deserve any more pain. You deserve self-love and self-care right now, not self-hate.  

You did absolutely nothing wrong, and you likely couldn’t have prevented it and would have only seen it coming if you’d lived your life being suspicious and distrustful. 

I know that you are in pain, but don’t turn that inward. Instead, give yourself what you need to heal – and don’t be shy about asking the same from your spouse. Even if you don’t want to remain married, you can still get what you need to heal. I chose to remain married, but I would have prioritized healing regardless. It would not have been fair for my life to be compromised when I did nothing to deserve it.

You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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What If I Can’t Forgive My Cheating Husband? What Happens Then?

By: Katie Lersch: Despite their best efforts, many faithful wives have come to point where they’ve decided (usually with a heavy heart) that they aren’t going to be able to forgive their husband for cheating on them or having an affair. These same wives often say that they’ve tried everything that they know to do, but ultimately they think that forgiveness is just not going to be possible. And, they worry that this is going to mean the end of their marriage or of their life as they know it.

I understand their frustration because I felt it myself. But I sometimes believe that there’s a couple of things to consider and try before someone throws in the towel or blames themselves. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Have You Received Everything That You Need In Order To Forgive?: Sometimes, wives will believe that their lack of forgiveness is their own fault or is because of some weakness that they have. But, honestly, these wives are typically in an impossible situation. Sometimes, the husband is still contacting or carrying on with the other woman. Other times, the husband isn’t truly remorseful, isn’t accountable, or hasn’t done anything to improve the situation.

In other words, the wife is in a situation where she’s being asked to forgive blindly, when nothing has really changed or improved and where the husband hasn’t held up his end of the bargain. Frankly, I can certainly understand the wife’s inability to forgive because the husband hasn’t given her anything at all to work with.

Most wives need several things in order to be able to truly forgive. They need to know (without any doubt) that there is no one else in the picture. (It never ceases to astound me when I hear from people who expect to save their marriages when the cheating spouse is still wavering as to whether he wants to be with his or her spouse or the other person. It’s nearly impossible to save a marriage (much less to forgive) when there are three people involved. This is the first thing that must be resolved.)

Next, the wife will need to be confident that the husband understands just how costly his actions were, that he’s completely sorry and accepts responsibility, and that he understands that he must make things right. Husbands who insinuate that the wife is somehow to blame and do nothing to rehabilitate the situation aren’t in a position to ask for forgiveness. Plus, the more a husband cheats, the more unrealistic forgiveness becomes with each incident.

Finally, there often needs to be some real work done on trust and self esteem issues. Wanting to forgive is great and admirable. But, if you don’t have all of your doubts addressed and all of your needs met, then it’s very difficult in reality.

Understanding What Forgiveness Really Means: Sometimes, wives have decided they won’t forgive because they feel as if doing so is condoning their husband’s cheating or letting him off the hook for the same. I don’t see this in the same way. When I ultimately decided to offer this, I never let my husband off the hook and I most certainly didn’t condone his cheating.

But, I decided that for my own self health and well being, it was something that I needed to do for myself (rather than for him) because I was so tired of dragging around my anger and doubts. I truly needed to put this behind me and this was a way to do it while ensuring that I wasn’t going to continuously keep reliving it. In that sense, the act of forgiveness is really something that you give yourself rather than something that you give him. In a sense, it’s almost a selfish thing that’s focused on you rather than on him and this is entirely fine in my view.

At the end of the day, healing after cheating often requires for you to ask yourself what you need and then giving yourself permission to demand it and accept nothing less. Forgiveness works on the same principal. It’s sometimes hard to admit that you need it, but when you accept that this is something that you really are doing for yourself, it becomes easier.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean That Everything Will Be Fine Or That The Slate Is Wiped Clean. It Truly Is Just A Starting Point: I often find that couples feel that “forgiveness” is some magical goal that will mean that the marriage is now fine and that they are starting over as though nothing happened. I certainly don’t see it this way. You can most certainly decide that you want to let all of the anger go but still not be sure whether the marriage is going to survive (or even that you want for it to.)

There’s often still a lot of rebuilding to be done. There’s nothing wrong with offering forgiveness without knowing how things will turn out. It’s not the same thing as committing to save the marriage. It’s only one aspect of healing. It can be a starting point if you want for it to. I’ve also seen it be an ending point. I’ve seen wives who are able to forgive but who’ve also decided that forgiveness doesn’t mean that the marriage can be saved.

This is only one aspect of healing and moving on. People get so focused on this that they ignore other important issues. To that end, people often rush the process. You can still attempt to save your marriage before you’ve forgiven. You can certainly wait to see how things evolve (and how your husband acts in the future) so that you have more information from which to decide how you want to proceed. There is nothing wrong with taking a wait and see approach and just committing to being open to seeing how things evolve and develop.

And, there’s nothing wrong with asking for what you need if you don’t yet have it. Do not blame or put pressure on yourself if you’re not ready to proceed. Sometimes, it’s better to just take inventory and see what you still need than to pressure yourself to do something which you know in your heart you’re not ready to do.

If you forgive before you’re ready or before you really mean it, it’s not likely to “stick.” That’s why there’s no sense in rushing yourself or allowing yourself to be pressured. You’re often much better off making sure you have what you need and committing to just attempting to move forward until you know that you’re ready.

I know that considering forgiving a cheating husband can be difficult, but it can be important for you rather than for him. (Although it’s not something that should be rushed.) I never would’ve believed this years ago, I was eventually able to forgive and I did truly get over the affair. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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