Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: If a man was caught cheating a hundred years ago, he might tell you that the devil made him cheat.  Today, men still use the same type of excuses, but their excuses take on a new tone that fits with the time in which we live.  They will use terms like “sex addiction” or tell you that regularly using porn contributed to their cheating.  Many people think that this is one way that men don’t take responsibility for their cheating.  But many of these men completely believe that they are telling the truth when they make their claims.  This leaves their wives trying to untangle the knots in order to determine how to handle this excuse.

A wife might say: “I caught my husband watching and interacting with porn long before I caught him physically cheating.  Catching him in porn chat rooms happened years ago.  We would have a huge fight about it.  He would say that all men do it, but he would promise to stop out of respect for me.  I do believe that he would sometimes stop for a while. But after a certain amount of time went by, I would catch him at it again.  And every time, we would get into a huge fight.  He would reassure me that he would stop, but he would also say that it was harmless.  He said he was looking, but not touching. And he said that this would never lead to physical contact with anyone.  Well I suppose that, in a sense, it hasn’t. I found out that he has been having an affair.  But the affair was not with some stranger that he’s been ‘chatting’ with online – (although it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that this has happened before.)  No, he’s been cheating with a woman at work.  Of course, my first inclination was to ask him why on earth he would do this to us.  At first he said that he didn’t know.  But I told him that this answer wasn’t even close to good enough.  A couple of days later, he told me that he had been thinking about this and that he had determined that it was probably the porn that made him have an affair.  He said that he thinks that the porn gave him unrealistic expectations of how sex should be.  And he was probably frustrated that I did not have sex with him like the people on porn had sex.  But that “the other woman” came closer to his expectations in that regard.  Honestly, this makes me stomach roll.  It makes me think that my husband is absolutely disgusting, as is the other woman.  I have no intention of having sex like the people on those videos have it.  I’d really like to save my marriage, but I’m certainly not willing to stoop to this level.  My husband says he doesn’t expect me to.  He says that he will stop watching porn and he will break the hold that it has over him.  Is this even possible?”

Examining His Motivations: I think that porn being a contributing factor is ultimately possible, but I also think that sometimes men will use the “porn” or the “sex addiction” excuse in order to not take accountability for their actions.  I once watched a discussion where the expert speaking pretty much summed up this issue perfectly, at least in my opinion.  The moderator asked him if there were such a thing as “sex addiction” and if it was a valid excuse.  The expert basically shook his head and said, “You don’t see all these men seeking treatment for sex addiction when they haven’t been caught, do you?  It’s only when they are caught that they suddenly go to seek treatment.”

What Statistics Tell Us: With the above said, I DO think that men who seek out porn are more likely to cheat.  I hear about this topic too frequently to think that there isn’t any connection. While statistics show that only 33 percent of men who engage in cybersex go on to have affairs,  statistics also show that pornography increases the rate of infidelity by 300 percent.  The reason for this might be that increased porn contributes to someone being less sexually satisfied with their spouse and also being less emotionally connected.  Neither of these things are great for your marriage and both could certainly be a contributing factor to an affair.

Overcoming This: Yes, people do, with determination and hard work, overcome all sorts of addictions – pornography included.  But it is not easy.  Often, they require both a willingness to overcome this, plus support, and professional help.  The thing about porn is that it’s so easy. It’s readily available and people can easily access it in private on their phones.  So they have to REALLY want to stop.

Your husband likely wasn’t lying to you when he told you that porn played into the affair.  As you’ve seen from the statistics, it may well have been a contributing factor.  But that doesn’t negate the fact that HE needs to take responsibility for his actions and that HE needs to take the initiative to put an end to WHATEVER contributed to the affair – whether that was porn or something else.

It’s good that he clearly sees what needs to be changed.  Not all men do.  Some will pretend that they have no idea why they cheated.  So him being able to identify the problem and show a willingness to eradicate it is a good sign.  But it can’t stop with just these initial steps.  This can be overcome, but it often takes help, determination, and patience.

There were certainly some behaviors (on the part of both my husband and myself) that contributed to the affair.  These were habits that had to be identified and then broken.  I believe that any habit can be broken.  But it takes a high degree of determination and a desire to change. You can read more about my own struggles on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many people start an affair knowing that it is one day going to end.  I know that some people become “serious” about their affair partner and want for the affair to turn into a lasting relationship.  But from my observation, this thinking is in the minority.  Most people don’t intend to end their marriage.  And even those that do sometimes change their minds about this once their spouse discovers the affair.

Interestingly, even though most people know that the affair is going to end, few people give any thought as to HOW it is going to end.  Some have no choice but to end it because their spouse finds out.  Others find that it has just run its course and there is no reason to continue on with it.  Regardless of the reason, there is often a dilemma as to what to say or do in order to break it off.

Someone might say: “my wife isn’t completely sure that I’m having an affair, but she strongly suspects it.  She confronted me last night and although I denied it, I know that she’s going to be snooping and trying to find out.  So I know that I need to break it off in order to give her nothing to find.  I worry about how the other woman is going to take it.  Because there’s not going to be any warning.  I just need to end it quickly and then move on.  I know that this isn’t necessarily fair to her.  And I feel very guilty about that.  I never made her any promises, really.  But I still feel that perhaps she got her hopes up that there eventually might be something more.  So how do people end an affair?  Do they just say that it’s over?  I admit that other than my marriage, I don’t have much experience with relationships, so I’m not sure what is the best way to do this.  I don’t want to make the other woman mad so that she’ll go searching out my wife.”

Your Spouse Is Your First Priority: I admit that breaking it off can be tricky.  But it absolutely must be done. And although it’s admirable and understandable to not want to hurt anyone in this scenario, I think that your ultimate responsibility and consideration should be to your spouse.  Whether you made promises to the other woman or not, if she knew that she was dating a married man, then she had to know that there was a risk that this whole thing would one day be over with some pain involved.

You Can Be Gentle.  But Also Be Clear, Final, And Decisive: I think that most of all, you want to be clear.  You do not want to give the other person hope that you might change your mind.  If you do that, then you’ll have more than ever to deal with because they will be bothering you, still in your life, and trying to get you to change your mind.  They may even try to blackmail you to stay in the relationship, threatening to tell your spouse.

You know the other woman and I do not.  You know her personality and how she might react.  Still, I think direct and to the point is best.  I think something like: “I made a mistake in starting this relationship and I”m very sorry.  My decision to end the relationship is not about anything that you did or could do now.  This just me realizing that I did something that I should not have.  And the only way to fix this is to stop doing what I know is wrong and to try to make this right.  I know that you got caught in the middle of this and for that, I am deeply sorry. But I have to end this immediately and irrevocably.”

You might be surprised to find that they don’t really argue with you and that they accept it, or tell you that they were expecting this all along.  Some will even say that they were considering ending things themselves because they agree with you that the relationship was wrong.

However, some will debate with you and will try to get you to change your mind.  Some will tell you that they know that you will be back eventually.  In that case, I think it’s best to firmly and gently stand your ground.  The last thing that you want to do is to debate them or to argue into the future.  You might try: “no, I won’t change my mind.  I put a lot of thought into this and no matter how you slice it, I had a very serious lack of judgement and made a mistake.  No matter how I feel or what I think, there’s no denying that the right thing to do (and what I want to do now) is stop making a mistake and to do what what I know is right.  That’s why I won’t be changing my mind or coming back.  I’m very firm on this decision.  I truly am sorry.  But this is what I need to do and will do.”

Don’t Give In Or Give Them A Pay Off: Hopefully, it ends there.  If they refuse to take no for an answer or they keep trying to contact you, make sure that you don’t give them a pay off for doing so.  Don’t engage.  Don’t debate.  Don’t get angry.  Just ignore them.  You’ve made this clear so there is no reason to continue to discuss it.  If you ignore them and they still won’t stop trying to contact you, then you may need to change your phone number and shut them down on social media or however you have been communicating.

People who don’t get a pay off usually eventually stop trying.  And you just have to remember WHY you made the decision.  The affair is wrong.  It must end.  So you have to make this clear.  You can certainly try to be compassionate and apologetic while delivering the message, but the message still must be clear and final.  And after it is delivered all contact should be cut off and the attention should go to your spouse and to saving your marriage.

Try to remember that your spouse is very important in all of this.  They are your motivation to end it and they deserve your attention and concern more than anyone else.  So your goal is to deliver the message quickly and efficiently.  You can try to do it compassionately, but only if that’s not going to give the other person the wrong idea or any hope.  Because the goal is to turn your attention to where it belongs as quickly as possible – and that is on your spouse.  The sooner you do that, the sooner you can start to try to make this right again. I do know how tricky this can be. You can read more about what happened after this process in my own life at this at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who are trying to formulate a plan to make sure that their husband is so remorseful and so desperate to get back into their good graces and save the marriage after an affair, that he will never cheat again.  To that end, many feel like they should prolong a separation in order to allow him to see how it feels to be alone as well as to create some doubt and fear as to when (or if) he can return home.

I recently heard from a wife who asked, in part: ” for how long should we remain separated after my husband’s cheating and affair?  I found out he cheated about three months ago and I immediately kicked him out.  I could not stand to look at him or live with him after I found out that he betrayed me.  About a month ago, he started begging my forgiveness and asking when I was going to let him move back home and end the separation.  I’m not sure if I want to do that just yet.  Honestly, I’m becoming more receptive to him and to saving our marriage.  I do miss him.  But I want to make sure that he’s good and sorry for cheating.  I figure if I make him wait to come home a little while longer, he will appreciate me that much more.  How long do wives normally wait before they take their husband’s back, allow him to move back home, and end the separation?”

There really isn’t one definitive answer to this question.  Some wives use their own feelings and wishes as a guide, some wives are influenced by their husband’s wishes and feelings, and others want to hold out for as long as they can to make a dramatic and definite point.  However, I’ll offer some considerations and tips for making this decision in the following article.

It’s Usually Not The Best Idea To Allow Yourself To Be Pressured Into Something About Which You Have Doubts (Or Are Not Ready For) After A Husband’s Cheating Or Affair: Many wives in this situation are under a great deal of pressure from their husbands.  He will tell you that he misses you and possibly the kids.  He’ll say that he wants to come home and he will often tell you that he has more than learned his lesson.  He might tell you that the separation is killing him and he’s not sure if he can’t stand it for one more day.

And all of these things begin to whittle away at your resolve and make you feel guilty because your decisions are affecting and possibly hurting someone else.  But here’s what you have to remember.  You likely initiated this separation so you could have time to sort out your feelings in your own way.  You likely wanted to set things up so that, should you decide later that you want to save your marriage, you’d put yourself in the best position to do so.

What, if anything, has changed?  I am not asking you this to discourage you from allowing your husband to come back home.  I’m asking you this to give you perspective.  If you want him to come home and to end the separation every bit as badly as he does and you’re both willing to work very hard to begin the healing process, then I see no need in prolonging things just to prove a point.  But, if you are having to make this decision because you’re feeling relentless pressure despite your doubts, then you may want to give yourself permission to take your time.  If your husband is sincere, he will wait.

Make Sure That You Aren’t Making Decisions That Run Counter To Your Own Wishes Or Feelings Just To Test Your Husband Or Make A Point: With the above said, sometimes it’s relatively clear that the wife in question misses her husband, doesn’t want the separation any longer, and would like for her husband to come home, but she feels that she needs to hold out just a little longer to test her husband or to prove a point.

She figures the longer that she can make him sweat it out and the more desperate she can make him to come home, the better her position and the more he will be invested in saving the marriage.  While this is completely understandable, sometimes it backfires.  The husband can either lose patience or becomes resentful.  And honestly, do you really want to start over in your marriage with game playing and being dishonest?

So When Is The Right Time To End The Separation And Allow Your Husband To Come Back Home After An Affair Or Cheating?: There really is no right or wrong answer to this question.  Most people have a feeling in their gut or in their heart that tells them that the time may have come. I suggest listening to that voice as long as you know that: the other person is out of the picture; the cheating has stopped; you are both committed to repairing and saving the marriage; and not only are you are both willing to do the work necessary to make these things happen, but you have a plan in place to accomplish this.

If all of these things aren’t present, then it’s generally beneficial for you to wait until they are.  But if you believe in your heart that your husband is remorseful and ready to be rehabilitated and you want him home, then there’s probably no reason to play games.  But if any of these things are in question or you are reluctant or unsure, then remember that this decision is yours alone.

My husband didn’t move out of our house, but we were very separated emotionally.  It took a while before I was ready to trust again to move forward to end this separation.  I can’t tell you exactly what it was that told me the time was right, but I noticed that I had begun to feel differently and I decided to act on this.  I can say today that I never have regretted this decision.  Our marriage did recover and we’re pretty happy today.  If it helps, you can read more about this process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: Once the cat is out of the bag and someone is caught cheating, there is often a period of shock and outrage.  In terms of fixing the damage, sometimes not much happens during this period.  Much of the time, very little can get accomplished because emotions run so high that all both people can really do at the time is to be reactive. No one is thinking clearly or acting rationally. So sometimes, the best that you can do is to just hang on, know that this time frame will eventually pass, and wait for the time when progress can actually be made – once things calm down.

However, once you’re no longer reactive, it can be a challenge to come up with a plan about how to fix this. Because although you may be at a place where you can think and act a little more rationally, you’re still angry. And you want your old life and your old marriage back. So you may say or do things that are in alignment with this. You may express vague complaints directed at your husband that aren’t directives. These little phrases or comments don’t tell him exactly what you want or expect – only that you want SOMETHING.

A very common reaction to these vague and sometimes heated exchanges is an exasperated husband who exclaims: “well, what do you want me to do?!” Many wives aren’t quite sure how to answer this. They generally know that they want him to fix it. They want for him to make it so that affair never happened. But since these things aren’t going to happen any time soon, they aren’t sure what, exactly and specifically, they want him to do.

Someone might say: “about two and a half weeks ago, I caught my husband cheating on me. At first, he was incredibly apologetic. He followed me around everywhere – begging me not to kick him out. I was sure tempted to throw his clothes on the lawn and tell him to just go. But I did not want for my kids (or the neighbors) to see that. However, I have not really spoken to him much since that time. I basically give him the cold shoulder and an evil stare. He will try to talk to me and I will just leave the room. I’m not much interested in interacting with him just now. Last night, over dinner, we smiled and laughed because my child brought home a wonderful report card and we were very happy for her. My child left the table and went to her room and I guess my husband assumed that we could continue on with the happy talk. I was not interested in this. I shut my husband right down. Then he blurted out ‘what do you want me to do? I try to talk to you. I try to apologize, but you just brush me off. I am trying here, but you won’t let me do anything.’ I admit this made me pause. I was not sure how to respond and I was stunned. So I just sort of shrugged and I left. How should I have responded? I am not sure how to communicate what I want from him.”

How To Buy A Little Time: Well, I can certainly offer some suggestions. However, it has only been a couple of weeks. You may not have any idea what you want from him right now. And that’s okay. But it may help to have a brief conversation with him to clear the air. This may help to keep him from continuing to bug you until you are ready to talk. You might try: “I know that we will need to communicate eventually. And I know that it will help for me to spell out what I want and need. But right now, I’m just not quite ready to do that. Things are too raw. I haven’t had enough time to collect myself and sort out my needs. When I am able to do that, you will be the first to know. And I will lay out what I want and need from you then. I know that we’re both trying, but I am just not ready to define anything yet.”

Spelling It Out Very Clearly: Give yourself some time to think and to sort things out. Once you’ve gotten to the point where you have have some inkling as to what you want, don’t be shy about telling him. As much as might both like it if he could, he can’t read your mind. And I can tell you from experience that you are much more likely to get what you want and need if you very directly spell it out for him. It will feel weird to say these things, but it makes it more likely that you are going to get them.

I know that it’s asking a lot to ask you to deliver a line like: “I have decided that I want us to go to counseling at least once a week. And I want you to come straight home from work. I’d also like for us to go on date nights like we used to. And I want for you to be patient with me. I’m really trying. But this is a struggle. Finally, I want for you to try not to be so defensive and indignant. Because sometimes it feels as if you think that I am doing something wrong when that’s not true. As we go along, more expectations might come up for both of us. Let’s agree to communicate them as we go along.”

I know that this is a mouthful that might feel awkward when you say it, but from experience, defining expectations is almost half the battle when it comes to getting your expectations met. We would love for our husband to “just know” what we want and need, but he doesn’t. Not only that, but he is walking on eggshells and is afraid of doing the wrong thing. So sometimes, he does nothing instead – which isn’t what you want. So in order to get what you want, you’ll have to spell it out. Which is basically what your husband is trying to tell you.  When he says, ‘What do you want me to do?’, he literally wants for you to tell him what do to do. When you’re ready, that’s exactly what I would do – spell it out very clearly.

There were times when I resented having to spell things out for my husband.  But I learned that it was the quickest and most efficient way to get what I needed.  Much to my surprise, my husband preferred it to guessing.  I’ve come to believe that in this instance, men actually want us to give them a road map.  We feel like we’re being bossy to ask, but they would rather us tell them than to have to guess. You can read more about my own attempt at this at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Although spouses can and do meet the people who they cheat with anywhere and at any time, many of them meet the “other person” at work.  After all, most of us spend at least eight hours every day with co-workers or people who are not our family.  It makes sense then, then many people who have affairs at work do so at least in part due to the proximity of the other person.

However, once the affair is over, this proximity can become a problem.  It’s more difficult to heal your marriage and to restore your spouse’s trust when your spouse knows that you will be in regular (if not daily) contact with the person that you were cheating with.  That is why some people who have affairs actually transfer or change jobs altogether.  They decide that their marriage is the most important thing and they just can’t risk seeing the other person every day.

However, not everyone has this luxury. Sometimes, even after the affair, it just does not make sense to change jobs.  Often, the consideration is merely a financial one.  Many people put years into their job to get the type of security that they now enjoy.  If they changed jobs, they would have to start all over – sometimes at a considerable pay cut.  When you have a family depending on that income, changing jobs is not so easy.

That’s why some couples choose to stick it out with the job, even though they don’t like it and they know that it is going to pose an unfortunate challenge.  To be fair, most spouses who cheated do attempt to go out of their way to avoid the other person – but sometimes the two of them have no choice but to interact.  And this can cause serious problems with your marriage. An example is when the two of them have to work closely together on a presentation or conference.

A faithful spouse might explain: “my husband cheated with a coworker.  I feel awful just typing that because it is such a cliche.  But that is what happened.  Anyway, her husband found out first and he told me.  She was very serious about saving her marriage and she actually asked for a transfer.  I was very relieved about that.  And since that time, my husband and I have worked very hard on our marriage.  Most of the time, we are doing okay.  But I’m still very insecure sometimes. I know she’s out of the picture simply because she lives far away now.  But next month, my husband is required to attend a seminar in another state with his company.  There is no getting out of this. And although the other woman transferred, she is still with this same company. So she will be there.  I’m very upset about this.  I dread it.  I worry that they will reconnect while there and my husband won’t tell me about it.  Or I worry that nothing will happen, but I will think that it did anyway and I will accuse my husband when he didn’t do anything wrong. Then he’ll get angry with me and we’ll regress on our progress.  I know that this is just bringing out all of my insecurities and I should not let it, but I can’t seem to help it.”

I definitely understand. Even though it has been a long time since my husband’s affair and I can say that we’ve recovered, I still would not like it (AT ALL) if I knew that my husband was going to see or interact with the other woman – even if I knew that this wasn’t his choice or that he never initiated anything.  Even with complete recovery, there is always going to be that vulnerability if it is thrown back in your face.

At the same time, I believe that there are things that you can do to minimize the impact of this. If you are in counseling, please discuss this with your counselor.  She will probably have very specific things that she wants you to do.  I’m certainly not a counselor, but my suggestion would be to accompany your husband to this event.  Yes, I realize that this might be inconvenient and you may have to take off of work or make some special arrangements.  But I think that this is one of those things that are so important to your marital recovery that you may need to try to make this happen.

Why?  Because if you attend, then you don’t have to worry nearly as much.  If you go, then you don’t have to wonder.  You will KNOW that nothing happened and that your husband was with you the whole time.  Plus the other woman will see you together – as a united front.  And, frankly, the other woman’s spouse might be there as well.

Now, I know that some might say that by going along, you aren’t showing good faith or trust.  I can see that argument.  But since the marriage is improving and going well, it should not be unreasonable for the couple to want to be together anyway.  Other than a few instances of walking by or seeing the other woman, it actually might be a nice weekend where the couple might enjoy themselves.  Plus, why invite the wife to invent ominous scenarios that can cause problems in her marriage when she can easily attend and see for herself?  I believe that this alternative is better than trusting your spouse but then being a nervous wreck the whole time and possibly assuming the worst.

When you’re in recovery, you have to protect your marriage.  And sometimes that means minimizing the stress that you put on it.  Both people attending the conference will help to minimize the stress.

I can say with certainty that if I were in this situation, I would attend the conference.  I would bring the kids if I had to, but I would not sit at home and worry when I could easily attend.  My thought process would be that I worked too hard on recovery to put that at risk by allowing something like this to be outside of my control.  This situation is easily controlled by simply going along.  At least that is my opinion. You can read more about my own recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sex can be a major conflict between a couple who is dealing with infidelity.  Understandably, having sex after knowing your spouse has cheated on you isn’t always comfortable or appealing.  This is almost to be expected when you are the faithful spouse.  But the spouse who cheated can have some difficulties in being patient and in understanding this because its very existence can bring up feelings of defensiveness.  Getting on the same page sexually can take time, patience, and effort.  And it can be especially complicated when one spouse tries to pressure the other.

The cheating spouse might say: “I’m really at the end of my rope here.  I know that I am the one in the wrong because I am the one who cheated.  But one of the reasons that I cheated in the first place was because my wife wasn’t having sex with me enough.  And now that she has caught me in the affair, she wants to have sex with me even less.  I don’t blame her for being mad at me, but this is a real problem.  I am someone who needs regular sex.  It is going to be hard for me to be happily married if this becomes a repetitive problem.  When I try to talk to my wife about this, she gets mad at me for pressuring her and we both end up very frustrated in more ways than one.  Last night, she sarcastically asked me if I just wanted her to just go through the motions with sex. I didn’t know how to respond to that.  Of course, I want her to be comfortable and happy.  At the same time.  It’s sex.  How bad is it?”

Before we go any further, I want to be fair and want you to know what is ahead in this article.  I am a woman who has also been through an affair.  I will try very hard to be unbiased and reasonable.  But I can not help (at least somewhat) seeing this from the perspective of the wife.  If that doesn’t discourage you and you think that perhaps seeing things from a woman’s perspective can help (which I believe that it definitely can,) please keep reading.  I truly do want to help and I want EVERYONE to be happy here, but I also feel a responsibility to state what I think is very important to understand.

I understand wanting to have your needs met.  But right now, you have to understand your wife’s needs also.  I can tell you from experience that she is hurting quite badly.  Finding out that your husband has cheated on you is extremely painful.  It makes you doubt yourself as a woman.  It makes you feel unattractive.  It shakes your sexual confidence and your view of the world.  So it goes without saying that while you are a faithful spouse struggling with all of this, the last thing that you feel are immediate sexual needs.

From the perspective of the faithful spouse – sure, you know and you hope that one day, your sexual life will be back on track and truly enjoyable.  You want and need that as much as everyone else.  But at the same time, you know that that can’t happen until emotional healing takes place and the trust is restored.

For cheating spouses who feel frustrated about the lack of sex, please see this from your spouse’s point of view.  If your spouse had been the one who cheated and you were struggling, would you want your spouse pointing out how little sex they were getting and complaining about it?  Would that make you feel more sexy and and make you want to have sex with them even more?

Probably not. In fact, it might make you feel like they are more interested in getting their sexual needs met than in the feelings of their spouse. This would likely hurt you and make you even more uneasy about sex.  When you did feel pressured to have it, then it would probably be very awkward and uncomfortable, which would harm your marriage even more.  In the meantime, your spouse might continue to remind you about how unhappy he is about the sex situation and then you may start to worry that he is going to cheat again – so the situation continues to deteriorate over and over again.

I respectfully hope that the point is becoming clear.  By being impatient about sex, you are just making the situation worse.  Listen, I suspect that what you want is a willing and enthusiastic sexual partner, right? Well, I am going to tell you what is going to make that more likely. Most people need to be emotionally connected and to have trust and confidence in order to be confident and enthusiastic sexually.  It is hard to do this after an affair.  The trust is shattered and the confidence is gone.

That doesn’t mean that it will NEVER return.  But it can mean that there is work to be done before it can be restored.  If you want more sex, then you need to become the spouse who makes your spouse want to have sex.  You need to become the spouse who, just for a little while, puts your spouse’s own emotional needs before your physical ones and who builds your spouse up so that she feels comfortable and understood.  You need to become the spouse who is willing to work tirelessly to restore the trust.

Because I promise you that when your wife feels that she can trust you again, when she feels confident again, and when she feels safe again – THAT is when she will feel sexual again.  And that is when she will be a willing and enthusiastic participant – which I’ll bet is what you both want.

Between that day and this one, though, she’s going to require patience, love, kindness, and understanding.  Unfortunately, your affair made this all necessary.  So now is the time to step up and to be the spouse that your partner deserves.

I can tell you that my husband is probably very happy that he did the work to make me comfortable, confident and trusting again.  While we had very little sex initially after his affair, we have plenty of it now.  But there was work to be done before this could be possible.  The physical part of our relationship was not going to thrive until the emotional part was fixed.  My enthusiasm for sex came back because our marriage came back.  It’s as simple as that.  You can read more about my own journey at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women on both sides of the affair who want some insight as to what the future might hold. Both feel that their life is sort of on hold while they are waiting for a cheating husband to make up his mind regarding which woman he wants to be with.

Usually, the affair has been found out and neither the wife or the mistress / other woman is willing to share him. Both women understandably pressure him to make a decision and to just choose one. But for whatever reason, the husband can’t or won’t do this immediately and indicates that he just isn’t sure or can’t make up his mind. This can leave both women wondering what his indecision means.

The other woman / mistress might say: “I have given this man six months of my life when I actually had single men who might have committed to pursing me. Now that his wife has found out, he acts as if he is not sure that he wants to to continue on with our relationship. I guess on the positive side, he did not immediately end things once his wife found out. Because that was my biggest fear. He was honest and he told her that he couldn’t make up his mind yet. I feel like the more time that goes by, the better the chance that he will actually choose me, but I don’t know if that’s true.”

The wife in this equation might say: “I’m so disappointed that my husband seems to be waffling over me and the woman that he had an affair with. It sickens me. Once I caught him, the right thing to do would have been to immediately break it off. But that is not what he did. He told me that he needed time to figure out what he wanted to do. And I’m worried that the longer this goes on, the more she is going to pressure him and the more likely it is that he is going to leave this marriage and choose her. Is this correct?”

Statistics That Cover The Post-Affair Period: Unfortunately, most of the statistics that are out there cover only a couple of topics.  You can generally find out how many relationships that start as affairs survive to become a long term marriage. And you can find out how many marriages end due to an affair.  The statistics about affairs that actually become lasting relationships are abysmal. The numbers tell us that less that 2.5% percent of those couples will actually make it. Now, there is also a statistic which indicates that 10% of couples ultimately divorce because of an affair. (Or course, more couples choose to end their marriage, but only 10% attribute the divorce solely to an affair.  There is usually more than one factor which is cited.)

Both of these very low numbers tell us that, when all is said and done, most men end up staying with their wives in the end. But what these statistics don’t tell us is whether or not the husband initially leaves his wife and then comes back. Personally, it’s my observation that often, the wife has history on her side. Yes, the husband may momentarily have his head turned by someone else. Some husbands even come to believe that they are in love with the other woman. But this generally passes as the husband eventually sees reality and comes to his senses.

He Is Not The Only One Who Should Choose: I understand why both women would research this topic. You feel that your life is on hold until he decides. But I’d like to make one important point. Whether you are the mistress or the wife, you should get to make a choice, too.

If you are the mistress, you want to ask yourself if you really want a man who isn’t sure if he wants to honor his lifetime commitment to someone.

If you are the wife, you may want to ask yourself how this marriage is going to work for you? Are you going to require changes in order to want to stay? What changes are most important to you? I think that it is a mistake to just wait for him to come to a decision as though you have no input. You get to decide if you choose to take him back once he makes a decision as to who, or what, he wants. Because he should realize that he put your marriage in jeopardy and he doesn’t just get to come back without an extensive amount of work to do and an extensive amount of trust to be restored.

The Advantage Of Allowing A Genuine Decision To Unfold: I completely understand wanting to save your marriage. I wanted to save mine after the infidelity and I was ultimately successful with that. But before we started that process, I needed to know that my husband’s heart was in it. And if I needed to wait in order to have that knowledge, so be it. I think it’s better to let him come to his own decision so that you will have the confidence that his decision was genuine and unforced. The last thing that you want to do is allow more doubt because of worries that he is still undecided.

So let him make his choice, but there’s no reason for you to put your own healing on hold while he is doing it. Yes, you do have an advantage in that you have a history and commitment that she can’t compete with. But the ultimate decision lies with him. And allowing him to make it on his own helps you to see that he is actually sure. You will be glad for this once recovery begins. Restoring your confidence can be a huge challenge if you even suspect that she is still in the picture – either literally or in his heart or mind.

Once he’s made the decision, be clear on what YOU have decided and on what YOU want.  Your wishes and decisions are every bit as important as his.  You can’t truly recover and heal if you don’t feel heard and valued.  If you choose to stay, give yourself permission to craft the marriage and the life that you deserve.  An affair is painful and difficult.  At the very least, make the cost worth it in the end with a better marriage and with lessons learned.  At least this is how I approached it.  You can read more about my own process at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  There is a stereotype today about men who have affairs.  Most of us picture a middle-aged man in a midlife crisis who is bored at home and simply wants to have sex with someone else – at least for a little while.  But the idea is that once he gets that out of his system, he will come home, full of apologies and with the knowledge that he did something really stupid that he hopes doesn’t ruin his marriage.

Of course, this is a stereotype.  It is certainly not true of all men or of all marriages.  But it is often the picture that society has.  Society is less clear about women who cheat.  It’s true that women are somewhat less likely to cheat than men, although the amount of wives who cheat is on the rise.  But for women who do cheat, the reaction tends to be more harsh.  There’s a lot of shaming that happens when a wife cheats as opposed to when the husband does.  I’m not defending ANY cheating, but the reactions, and the level of understanding can be quite different.

People don’t often understand why a woman would cheat and therefore it’s very hard to gauge if her cheating will lead to the end of the marriage. I sometimes hear from husbands who are dealing with infidelity and are looking for some insights on their wife’s thought process and intentions.  The concerns might be something like: “I never said or thought my marriage was perfect but I never, and I mean ever, thought that my wife would cheat on me.  She’s very ethical and faithful.  She has always been a good wife and mother.  Not only did she cheat, but she has left our home.  She says that she is not with the other man, but since she won’t tell me where she is, I honestly don’t know that for sure.  Our child is with her mother for the time being.  She says she doesn’t know if she’s coming back.  When I ask her what I did wrong, she says that I didn’t do anything overtly wrong, but that I didn’t make her feel special and the other man did.  She said she felt that she desperately needed that in her life.  Are the odds good that she will come home?  I don’t want to lose her.”

Statistics Of Marriages Surviving Affairs May Provide A Clue: I can’t predict what your wife will do.  I can tell you that statistics show us that 50 percent or more of marriages survive infidelity.  Those statistics don’t break down by the unfaithful party.  So we don’t know how many of those 50 percent included wives who cheat.

Men And Women May Cheat For Different Reasons: My observations are COMPLETELY non scientific and are based only on what I observe.  So take this for what it is worth as it’s just an opinion.  But men tend to be able to end the affair more easily.  Men are more likely to see the affair as a temporary thing that they do not want to affect their marriage.  They are less likely to be deeply emotionally involved.

Women are just the opposite.  They can and do get sex at home.  But what they don’t always get at home is the feeling of being cherished and deeply understood.  Both of these things are VERY important to women.  I’ve had a friend who cheated on her husband tell me that she literally felt like she was going to suffocate without feeling appreciated. Frankly, I thought that this was silly, at least at the time, but I hear variations on this over and over again.

If the other man makes a woman feel deeply connected, she sometimes has a hard time walking away from this – even if she feels deeply guilty and conflicted about cheating.  But like men who cheat, women who are unfaithful often eventually come to their senses.  One thing that can be very tricky about this is that she’s looking for that intimacy, connection, and appreciation at home.  But it can be hard for her husband to give that to her because he is so angry about the affair (and understandably so.)  Sometimes, both people agree to just buckle down and rebuild the marriage.  Sometimes, the other man slips up and the wife sees that he’s not so perfect after all. Other times, the novelty wears off.

Understanding The Very Discouraging Statistics About An Affair Relationship Ever Succeeding: The statistics of an affair relationship actually working out over the long term are absolutely awful.  It’s extremely rare for an affair relationship to be successful for any reasonable length of time.  The problem can be that before the affair can inevitably end, the marriage is destroyed and the couple can get divorced or separated.  People often end up regretting this once the affair ends.

Moving Forward In A Constructive Way While Waiting For Her To Make A Decision: It can help to push for counseling in order to buy time for your marriage.  If your wife agrees to counseling (if only for the sake of your child) this can be very encouraging and can greatly increase the odds that you will be able to save your marriage.

If she refuses or resists, revisit it again in a little while.  Her saying no today does not mean that she is always going to say no.  And there are some good self help resources available until then.  She may soon realize that she’s made a mistake.  The other man can say all kinds of wonderful and sweet things and make her feel valued.  But at the end of the day, she is married and this is infidelity.  That tends to put a damper on things.  An affair will often eventually crumble under the weight of this.

If you’re clear that this marriage is still important to you, it often pays to wait a while and to place the attention onto yourself and your own healing.  You have likely been through a lot and need to heal as well.

I know how you feel because I was once where you are today.  I was unsure that my husband would want our marriage after his affair.  It took work and patience, but our marriage survived. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I don’t want to insinuate that men do not cheat on young wives. They absolutely do. It’s just that young wives do not have all of the insecurities that women who are in a different age bracket may have. Young women do not yet worry if their best years have passed them by. And they don’t necessarily worry that they’ll never attract another spouse should their marriage end.

Yes, every wife whose husband has an affair struggles. No woman is immune to this, regardless of her beauty, her youth, and her confidence. But women who have had more life experience can struggle a little more. I can’t tell you how often I hear more mature women describe themselves as “old and ugly” after the cheating is discovered.

Now, in reality, we may have been a little worried about aging somewhere in the back of our minds. But we were able to set it aside because we told ourselves that we were settled, married, and had a man who loved us and was satisfied with us. So what good would it do to dwell on what we could not change? However, once the affair happened, all bets were off. Suddenly, we almost had no choice but to listen.  And to dwell.

Here’s an example. A wife might say: “Listen, I know that there is some value in life experience. I’m not stupid enough to want to be younger or to actually yearn to turn back the clock. I’ve earned all of my wrinkles and I’m proud of my laugh lines. I know that there is no going back, nor would I really want to. I love that I am wiser and I know that the price for that wisdom is age. However, since learning of my husband’s affair, I feel old and ugly. The other woman was only slightly younger than me, but she’s had a pretty carefree life and so she probably looks more young than she actually is. This makes me worry that one contributing factor to my husband’s affair was my aging appearance. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes, I am so angry at him that I don’t really care what he thinks about me. Still, when I get really quiet and really honest, I have to admit that this had made me think much more about my looks than I have ever wanted to. And I feel very insecure now. Last night I looked in the mirror for a long time. I do look different. I do have signs of looking old. And because of what has happened to me, I worry that I am ugly. I worry whether my husband will ever look at me with lust again – assuming that I will want that one day. And if not, I wonder if ANY man will. How do I stop feeling old and ugly?”

Understand That Reality Is Distorted Right Now: Let’s be clear. To a certain extent, all women feel this way. But your feelings are now magnified by the affair. Everyone that I know of in this situation has gone through this, myself included. I had to work very hard on my self esteem. I even saw a therapist to help me through. And she helped me to understand something very important. Nothing about my appearance had been changed by the affair. And everything that I was seeing in the mirror was what I was allowing because of my own perceptions and biases. For example, my teeth had always kind of bothered me, but for the most part, I ignored them. After the affair, however, I became convinced that they were so awful that everyone was staring at them all of the time. This wasn’t at all true. And my teeth didn’t change from one day to the next. But an affair has a way of making you feel so paranoid and unsure.

You have to work very hard to keep this distortion of reality from happening. You have to constantly remind yourself that you are the exact same person today as you were yesterday. And you have to be tireless and relentless when it comes to building yourself up. Some things may be valid. Many things are not. I ultimately did fix me teeth – FOR ME. But many other things I realized were just paranoia-induced and were silly. I continued to work out as I always have. But I decided that a healthy body is always going to be more important to me than dieting for someone else.  And I can’t erase my laugh lines without medical intervention.  Frankly, I don’t want to erase them because I earned them.

Make Your Definition Of Beauty And Worth Your OWN Definition: At the end of the day, it makes sense to make our appearance pleasing to OURSELVES. That is all that we can do. If our husband is pleased or not pleased, well, we can’t control that. And trying to is a losing game that just hurts us and puts on a road to nowhere.

The truth is, our husband might think that we are as beautiful as Angelina Jolie or Eva Longoria. But if we don’t see it in ourselves, we will always doubt our husbands anyway. Once we can look in the mirror and see our true beauty and value (and yes, women of our age CAN BE AND ARE beautiful,) then we are more apt to believe that our husband sees it and, frankly, it doesn’t shake us all that much if he doesn’t. Because it is his loss and his mistake, not ours.

I completely understand where you are coming from because I went through this also.  And yes, I fixed my teeth and got a mini makeover to make myself feel better.  But I ultimately decided that while I was going to look and feel the best that I could, I also was not going to let someone else’s definition or opinions define me.  Yes, I want to look my best.  I want my husband to be attracted to me and I pay attention to those things.  I learned new skills in that regard to boost my confidence. But I also know that someone else’s opinion will never be as important as my own.  You can read more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When you are hoping that your husband ends his affair and comes home, it can initially feel like a victory when both of things happen. After all, this is what you have been waiting for. Many wives figure that if they can just get their husband to come to his senses, end the affair, and come back to where he belongs, then everything else should eventually fall into place.

Unfortunately, this is not always the way that it happens. Sometimes, he DOES end the affair. He DOES come home. But the reunion is not necessarily a happy one. He comes home and he seems reluctant to fully participate in the family or with the marriage. He comes home and not only is he not enthusiastic, but he does not seem to want to be there. Some husbands go so far as to reluctantly unpack just a few things or to not unpack at all.

A wife might explain: “It’s been about four months since I first learned about my husband’s affair. I am actually the one who kicked him out. But when I did, I did not assume that he would go and be with the other woman. I guess I should have. Because frankly, he does not have anywhere else to go. But I was shocked and very upset when he did just that. In fact, knowing that he was living with her and that the affair was still going on drove me a little crazy. I was furious with my husband and questioned whether I even wanted to be married to him anymore. But I was insanely jealous. And I guess that is when I realized that I didn’t want to just give him up. So when he approached me about one day seeing where our marriage might lead, I was open to him. I told him that I couldn’t and wouldn’t make him any promises, but he could eventually come home and we could see where it would lead. We saw each other several times before he ultimately came home. Things seemed to be going well between us, so I was pretty hopeful. But things were dramatically different than I expected. My husband has not even unpacked his clothing and he has been here for a week. It’s as if he isn’t confident enough to know that he is going to stay. And while we have talked and had some awkward conversations, he hasn’t even tried to touch me. This doesn’t make me feel very wanted. Sometimes I wonder if it was the other woman’s choice, and not his, to end things and I am just getting a man who is disappointed, unhappy, and without other options. And I’m starting to feel like our marriage is over – if he won’t even unpack or even touch me. Why else would be doing this?”

I’ll give you some suggestions as to why you might be seeing this behavior which, believe it or not, isn’t all that uncommon.

He Doesn’t Feel Quite Worthy Of Being Home: This is a very common reason that husbands who return home will tread lightly and will not fully participate in the household or with family life. He doesn’t feel worthy. And he may be afraid that you don’t actually want him there. So he’s sort of tiptoeing around and walking on eggshells. This will typically get better with time as you both become more comfortable with the idea that no one is leaving and that you are both committed to making it work.

He Is Worried That It’s Not Going To Work: This is similar to the above reason, but it’s a little different. Because he may actually believe that you both want it to work. But he has doubts that it can. He may be fully aware that his betrayal was huge and that the hurt was deep. So while he may really want for this to all go away, he may well know that this just isn’t realistic. And the pessimistic voice in his head is saying something like: “you don’t even deserve to unpack your bags. You’re lucky she’s letting you move back in, but it won’t last. She’s going to kick you out as soon as she comes to her senses. Save yourself some time and some aggravation and don’t even get comfortable.”

He May Be Hoping That You Try To Accommodate Him So That He Feels More Comfortable: The last thing that I am going to mention is that a guilty husband will often hang back in the hopes that you notice his behavior and try to be accommodating or loving to him in order to bring him around. He may hope that you go out of your way to reassure him that you really want him back home, are glad that he’s home, etc. This is really just human nature. Every one wants reassurance. Every one wants to feel as if they are not the only one who cares. And there’s nothing wrong with offering him reassurance if you are comfortable with this. But sometimes you have to be careful that you aren’t letting him turn the tables so that you are the one in the position that he should be in.

Honestly, this can all be very temporary. It’s understandable for both parties to have some trepidation. Every one can be afraid of rejection or failure. It’s normal. Counseling can help, as can just being honest and putting your feelings and concerns out there. You might try: “I understand why you might be unsure of whether to unpack or to show me physical affection. I understand being afraid of rejection in this situation. But I wouldn’t have asked you to come home if I didn’t really want you to be here. I can’t make you any promises, but I am certainly open.”

This might be enough to allow him to drop his guard a little, but most people will want to watch and wait in order to fully drop their guard and open their heart. It’s not necessarily a lack of trust. It is more a matter of self preservation.

It took a while before my husband and I were comfortable initiating physical contact or affection with each other.  We didn’t push it.  We didn’t force it.  We agreed to allow things to happen naturally and not to second guess or doubt when it didn’t happen.  In a sense, you are hoping and having faith while you are waiting.  You can read more about my journey toward recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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