Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women on both sides of the affair who want some insight as to what the future might hold. Both feel that their life is sort of on hold while they are waiting for a cheating husband to make up his mind regarding which woman he wants to be with.

Usually, the affair has been found out and neither the wife or the mistress / other woman is willing to share him. Both women understandably pressure him to make a decision and to just choose one. But for whatever reason, the husband can’t or won’t do this immediately and indicates that he just isn’t sure or can’t make up his mind. This can leave both women wondering what his indecision means.

The other woman / mistress might say: “I have given this man six months of my life when I actually had single men who might have committed to pursing me. Now that his wife has found out, he acts as if he is not sure that he wants to to continue on with our relationship. I guess on the positive side, he did not immediately end things once his wife found out. Because that was my biggest fear. He was honest and he told her that he couldn’t make up his mind yet. I feel like the more time that goes by, the better the chance that he will actually choose me, but I don’t know if that’s true.”

The wife in this equation might say: “I’m so disappointed that my husband seems to be waffling over me and the woman that he had an affair with. It sickens me. Once I caught him, the right thing to do would have been to immediately break it off. But that is not what he did. He told me that he needed time to figure out what he wanted to do. And I’m worried that the longer this goes on, the more she is going to pressure him and the more likely it is that he is going to leave this marriage and choose her. Is this correct?”

Statistics That Cover The Post-Affair Period: Unfortunately, most of the statistics that are out there cover only a couple of topics.  You can generally find out how many relationships that start as affairs survive to become a long term marriage. And you can find out how many marriages end due to an affair.  The statistics about affairs that actually become lasting relationships are abysmal. The numbers tell us that less that 2.5% percent of those couples will actually make it. Now, there is also a statistic which indicates that 10% of couples ultimately divorce because of an affair. (Or course, more couples choose to end their marriage, but only 10% attribute the divorce solely to an affair.  There is usually more than one factor which is cited.)

Both of these very low numbers tell us that, when all is said and done, most men end up staying with their wives in the end. But what these statistics don’t tell us is whether or not the husband initially leaves his wife and then comes back. Personally, it’s my observation that often, the wife has history on her side. Yes, the husband may momentarily have his head turned by someone else. Some husbands even come to believe that they are in love with the other woman. But this generally passes as the husband eventually sees reality and comes to his senses.

He Is Not The Only One Who Should Choose: I understand why both women would research this topic. You feel that your life is on hold until he decides. But I’d like to make one important point. Whether you are the mistress or the wife, you should get to make a choice, too.

If you are the mistress, you want to ask yourself if you really want a man who isn’t sure if he wants to honor his lifetime commitment to someone.

If you are the wife, you may want to ask yourself how this marriage is going to work for you? Are you going to require changes in order to want to stay? What changes are most important to you? I think that it is a mistake to just wait for him to come to a decision as though you have no input. You get to decide if you choose to take him back once he makes a decision as to who, or what, he wants. Because he should realize that he put your marriage in jeopardy and he doesn’t just get to come back without an extensive amount of work to do and an extensive amount of trust to be restored.

The Advantage Of Allowing A Genuine Decision To Unfold: I completely understand wanting to save your marriage. I wanted to save mine after the infidelity and I was ultimately successful with that. But before we started that process, I needed to know that my husband’s heart was in it. And if I needed to wait in order to have that knowledge, so be it. I think it’s better to let him come to his own decision so that you will have the confidence that his decision was genuine and unforced. The last thing that you want to do is allow more doubt because of worries that he is still undecided.

So let him make his choice, but there’s no reason for you to put your own healing on hold while he is doing it. Yes, you do have an advantage in that you have a history and commitment that she can’t compete with. But the ultimate decision lies with him. And allowing him to make it on his own helps you to see that he is actually sure. You will be glad for this once recovery begins. Restoring your confidence can be a huge challenge if you even suspect that she is still in the picture – either literally or in his heart or mind.

Once he’s made the decision, be clear on what YOU have decided and on what YOU want.  Your wishes and decisions are every bit as important as his.  You can’t truly recover and heal if you don’t feel heard and valued.  If you choose to stay, give yourself permission to craft the marriage and the life that you deserve.  An affair is painful and difficult.  At the very least, make the cost worth it in the end with a better marriage and with lessons learned.  At least this is how I approached it.  You can read more about my own process at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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