Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: I recently spoke with a wife who was struggling with her husband’s recent affair. He claimed that this was the first time he had ever cheated, and it would be his last. He promised that he would do whatever was necessary to restore his wife’s trust one day and vowed to prove to her that he could be a good husband and that they would be happy again.

Deep in her heart, the wife wanted to believe this. She did not want to lose this life that she had loved. But, she had to admit to him and to herself that she was struggling. She and her husband had talked about this issue to death. He was trying to offer patience and reassurance, but it just felt false. Their conversations always ended with her crying or the husband being frustrated at what he had done and how much he had messed up.

The wife really wanted her husband to pour out his heart and thoughts to her in a letter. She wanted this because she felt that if he could gather his thoughts without him looking right at her, he might say more meaningful things and speak from his heart. She also liked the idea that when she had fears or doubts, she could pull out the letter for reassurance when she needed to. She was also interested to see what her husband might say.

However, when she began to broach this with her husband, he was somewhat resistant. He did not understand why he needed to do this when he was standing right in front of her and constantly trying to tell her how he felt. The wife wanted to know how to get him to see that this wasn’t too much to ask and was necessary. Here’s my take:

Making Him Understand Why You Want Him To Write You An Apology Letter After His Affair: It was important that the wife make it clear that when the husband said he was willing to do “anything” to prove his sorrow to and commitment toward her, there was no reason that this “anything” did not include an apology letter.

With that said though, it might also be helpful for the wife to understand where the husband was coming from also. I don’t know many men who are entirely comfortable with writing an emotional letter – even during the best of times. 

Sure, some men will write letters in the very beginning stages when you are getting to know one another, but letter writing is most certainly something that women seem to embrace more than men, who would usually much rather just tell you or show you how they feel.

It was quite possible that the husband’s resistance did not indicate that he didn’t want to share his feelings with his wife or to offer her a sincere apology. It was just likely that writing it out would not be his first choice as to how to convey this.

But, that doesn’t mean that this was an impossible situation. I felt that it could help if the wife could explain why she wanted and needed this on paper. She wasn’t trying to punish her husband. She didn’t expect him to write a Shakespearean play. She wasn’t going to grade it with a red pen. 

She wanted to be able to hear his voice via the written word without interruptions and without both of their emotions pouring out. She wanted to be able to take this out and reread it any time she needed support. She should tell the husband these things of course, and to really stress the reassurance that she was not going to critique the letter harshly. 

And she should convey that his making this effort even when it made him uncomfortable was going to go a long way toward showing her that he was sincere when he promised that he would do whatever was necessary to help her get past this.

There’s nothing wrong will spelling out for him that this letter is part of what is necessary. Explain that you aren’t doing this to punish or embarrass. You are doing this because you feel that you need it as part of your recovery, and you are asking for it because you are confident that he truly does want to help you and give you what you need.

by: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who felt like her marriage and her life was falling apart. A few weeks ago, her husband had come home and confessed that he had been having an affair with a coworker. He insisted that he was sorry and did not want to lose his family. The wife agreed that, although she was devastated, she didn’t want a divorce. After thinking about it for a while, she told her husband that she had decided that she wanted to work with him to save the marriage. Imagine her shock and disappointment when the husband told her that he needed “time and space” to decide where he wanted to go from here.

When the wife pressed him, he finally told her: “I’m just confused as to how I feel. I don’t want to lose my family and I never stopped loving you. But, I have real feelings for her too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me because I just don’t know what or who I want.”

The wife was so frustrated and furious. Here she opened her heart and agreed to work things out with him even though he had cheated on her and had risked their family. But that wasn’t good enough because now the husband didn’t know if he could let the other woman go. The wife asked me what she should do in this impossible situation. I’ve seen situations such as this playing out countless times. I’ll share my opinion with you in the following article.

Allowing Your Husband To Have Relationships With You And Someone Else Will Likely Negatively Affect His Perception Of You: The wife was afraid to tell the husband that he had to choose between her and the other woman. Of course, she was scared to death that the husband would choose the other woman rather than choosing her. But, what she failed to consider was that if she allowed this love triangle to go on, she was pretty much conceding that she wasn’t valuable enough to have a committed husband.

If she didn’t assert that she would not be anyone else’s backup, then it was possible that the husband would see her as “less than” someone else. This was precisely what she did not want to happen, but she was afraid of giving her husband an ultimatum. I suggested a compromise. The wife might say something like: “I can’t force you to make what I think is the right decision for our family. But, what I can tell you is that I can’t maintain an active intimate relationship with you when there is another woman in the picture. That’s not fair to any of the people involved and it is disrespectful to me. If you get to the point where you decide that you are committed enough to our marriage and our family that you are ready to completely end things with her, then you and I can discuss this further. Until then, it seems like what you really need to focus on is your own priorities while I will be focusing on our family.”

This wasn’t overly cruel or mean. The wife was merely going to be stating her position and asking for a little respect. And I have to tell you that if a man has access to both women, then there is really no incentive for him to make a choice or to be in any hurry to do so. As a result, he continues to be confused and unsure as to what to do. But, when it becomes very clear to him that he could well lose his family as the result of his indecision, then he will usually make a decision much more quickly because there is more at stake.

Restoring Your Self-Esteem And Your Self-Worth For Your Sake As Well As For His: I knew from first-hand experience that the wife was likely hurting very much. It was also likely that she was doubting herself and wondering where she went wrong. This is understandable, but it’s so important that you don’t dwell in this place. More than any other time, you need to be able to portray self-respect and confidence. You need to be able to define and then ask for what you want. Your husband isn’t going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself.

So, you must use this time to restore your self-esteem, reassure yourself that someone else’s actions are in no way your fault, and be very kind to yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people who love you rather than judgmental folks who bring you down. Almost overwhelmingly, I see that the wives whose husbands came back did not present themselves as second-class citizens who just could not live without him. They made it very clear that although they didn’t want to lose their family, they knew that they deserved a committed and faithful husband and were not going to accept anything less.

Sure, this situation was going to require work and time. No one is denying that. But, there is no way to put in this time and effort when the husband isn’t sure which woman he wants a relationship with. Until he decides this, you are usually better off conducting yourself with grace and self-respect. This will put you in a much better position when he wakes up and comes to his senses.

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from husbands who are desperately sorry for cheating on their wives and the pain that this has caused. They are also usually desperately afraid that they are going to lose their wives and their families. They are looking for advice on the most effective and meaningful things to do to prove that they are sorry for what they’ve done.

I have to admit that I’m sometimes reluctant to provide this information. I was cheated on also, but eventually, our marriage recovered. Although things are much better today, I remember the pain of that period of my life and I hesitate to give anyone information that they’re going to use to regain their spouse’s trust only to betray them again. But, it becomes evident after time that some of these men truly are sincere, remorseful, and able to be rehabilitated. This article is for those men, in the hopes that they can make the best of a painful situation and use their remorse as the inspiration to help their spouse heal.

Make Sure That You Can And Genuinely Intend To Follow Up On Your Promises: Insincerity and lies have a way of catching up with you eventually. Before you even get started on your quest to prove yourself to your wife, make sure that actually can and will become the trustworthy, loving, and decent husband that you’re promising her that you’re going to be. It’s so unfair to her for you to betray her trust more than once. If your affair was the result of any personal issues, then be sure that you have worked through them and confronted them before you attempt to ask for forgiveness or trust. Not only will this help to show your wife that you’re willing to do what is necessary to rehabilitate yourself, but it also helps to ensure that her trust is not going to be misplaced.

Commit To Taking Responsibility For Your Actions And The Healing Process: Other than betraying your wife more than once, the worst thing that you can do is to make silly excuses for yourself or to insinuate that your wife contributed to your own decisions. Don’t give her the old “but you didn’t pay attention to me or make me feel loved” excuse. Even if these things were absolutely true, you are an adult who is fully able to talk to her about this and ask for what you need rather than betraying your family and getting those things from someone else.

This was your decision and you made it solely on your own. You were not forced or tricked. Ultimately, you went through with this and she was allowed no input in this decision or any ability to stop it. This can not be taken back and now she is forced to deal with something over which she had no control. You must take responsibility for your part in this. You shouldn’t begin muttering excuses as a shield for your wife’s anger. This behavior will only likely appear cowardly and insincere to her. You’re much better off facing your mistakes head-on and also taking responsibility for not only the affair but also for taking the initiative to heal the affair.

Yes, your wife will have some work to do also and she’ll have to make some concessions, but the bulk of this burden is yours. You will receive her respect and attention much earlier if you realize and act on this immediately rather than only conceding to it when you are backed into a corner. The reason for this is that if she “makes” you finally come to your senses, she’s going to know or suspect that you’re only doing the right thing under duress.

Have Patience, Hang In There, And Give Her What She Needs From You To Heal From The Affair: You must understand that recovering from a betrayal this huge is going to take some time. You can not expect your wife to believe, trust, or forgive you until you have earned these things. This may not follow the time frame that you want or expect. You may have to have great deals of patience and you may have to stay put with loving support when she is angry and lashing out. This isn’t going to be pleasurable for you, but dealing with your affair is not at all pleasurable for her.

If you truly love her and want to make this right, your constant loving and remorseful presence must prove to her that you are sincere, committed, and intend to give her as long as she needs to process this. She needs to understand that you know exactly how devastating this is to her and that you are sorry. Also, she’s going to need your reassurance and your affection. She needs to know that she can believe what you are saying (even about the “little things”) at all times. Be exactly where you tell her that you are. Don’t tell even little white lies. Get her the help that you both need. Encourage her to do the things that make her happy and boost her self-esteem. Reassure her that you’re going to continue giving her what she needs, and, if this process isn’t happening, all she needs to do is to tell you where you’re lacking and you will improve.

If all of this sounds like a lot of work and a potentially long process, that’s because it is. But most men who have been successful at this will tell you that it was worth it and that it was directly related to the hurt that they have caused. This doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage, but you have some work to do to save it and regain her trust.

by: Katie Lersch: I know a wife whose husband’s affair lasted for two months. The wife had found out about it from a mutual friend. It really bothered her that the husband hadn’t come clean on his own. However, once the wife confronted her husband, he immediately expressed his sorrow and remorse. In fact, the husband had repeatedly said how sorry he was every day since this conversation.

His repeated apologies didn’t cut it for the wife. They rang as false and fake. Their logic didn’t make any sense to her. She said, in part: “If he were really sorry for cheating, he would have admitted it to me himself without my having to find out about it from someone else. And if he were really and truly sorry, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. How can you cheat on someone you love and are invested in? I don’t think you can. Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where we could do anything we wanted, say we’re sorry, and then have the slate wiped clean? Well, that’s not the way that it works. I don’t believe he’s really sorry for one second. I just think he’s sorry because he’s been caught and now he looks like a dishonest idiot.”

Obviously, this wife was seething and the strong feelings were very fresh. After a bit of dialogue, it became quite clear to me that, deep down, she wanted to believe that he was genuinely remorseful and wouldn’t cheat again. She wanted to believe that she was important enough to him that he was telling the truth. But, understandably, she had trust issues now and she doubted if she could believe his claims.

In the following article, I’ll go over some ways to tell if a man is really sorry for his cheating or if he’s just sorry that he got caught since everything is now out in the open.

A Man Who Is Truly Sorry For Cheating Will Show That His Priority Is With You: Hopefully, it goes without saying that a truly remorseful man will drop the other person like a hot potato. If he wants to repair your relationship and restore the trust, then he will be completely serious about cutting off all contact and ties with the other person. Not only that, but he’ll remove the vulnerabilities that led up to his cheating.

For example, if he cheated on an overnight business trip, he’d stop traveling alone. Or, if he has a certain friend who’s a bad influence on him, he’ll drop that friend immediately without giving it a second thought. In short, a man who’s genuinely remorseful for his actions doesn’t make excuses or try to shift your attention away from what he did. He takes responsibility for it, distances himself from those things that contributed to it, and then places his focus on fixing his relationship with you.

If He’s Really Remorseful For Cheating On You, He’s Completely Accountable And Welcomes Your Checking Up On Him: Most of the time, a man who is genuine after cheating will understand why you don’t trust him. To that end, he’ll likely want to go out of his way to prove to you that he has nothing to hide. He’ll hand over his cell phone, his Facebook account, his email passwords, and anything else you might want to see.

He does these things because he knows that you won’t find anything and he wants to show you his willingness to work with you. Now, some men do feel resentful about this and some are reluctant to give up their privacy. But once they realize that this is necessary and important for your peace of mind, most will decide that your well-being is more important than their privacy right now. (Although this obviously can’t go on forever.) Do you see the trend here? On almost every issue, he’s choosing your needs over his. Sure, he may really miss his friends or habits, but he wants to show that you are more important to him than any of these things.

When I tell women this, some of them tell me that although they wish their man were doing all this, he isn’t. He’s claiming to be sorry, but he isn’t showing accountability or placing his focus on the relationship. Before you assume that this means he isn’t truly sorry, at least give him the chance to make things right. Yes, it’s frustrating to have to spell out for him what you want and need. But sometimes, men just don’t pick up on the clues or aren’t intuitive enough to come up with this on their own. Sometimes, they really want to do the right thing but they need you to tell them what that thing really is.

True Sorrow Is Demonstrated By A Person’s Actions, Not By Written Or Spoken Words: I sometimes have people ask me if I’ll read a letter that their husband or boyfriend wrote to see if it’s genuine. The truth is, you can’t always tell from this. People can and will say or write anything to get you to believe they’re sorry. Admittedly, the fact that they’re putting forth all of this time and effort certainly says something. But, only time and watching their actions is going to tell you the truth.

Because when a person is truly sorry that they hurt you, they’re pretty firm in their conviction not to do it again. They strive to become a better husband or boyfriend and then they follow through. They make it up to you in a variety of ways by the way that they treat you and your relationship. This is true remorse. It doesn’t come through written or spoken words. It comes through action and character.

By: Katie Lersch: Unfortunately, many folks are struggling to deal with infidelity, cheating, and affairs. Many go into this process with the belief that infidelity always destroys the marriage. I often hear things like: “Well, I guess this means the end of my marriage. I can’t believe he would do this to us. I hope he’s happy because he’s destroyed our family.”

Another example is: “I never thought that infidelity would happen to me or my marriage. This blindsided me. It’s my fault that I wasn’t more observant. And now I have to just watch as this pretty much destroys my marriage.”

Many people see it as a given that as soon as cheating happens, the marriage that it happens to is going to be irretrievably broken. I understand this because I had these same assumptions. But I can tell you with a great degree of confidence that infidelity doesn’t always have to destroy your marriage. Many marriages survive it and some emerge even stronger and better as the result. Mine is one example. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Cheating, Infidelity, And Affairs Don’t Always Destroy The Marriage. But Often You’ll Have To Fight To Keep The Destruction At Bay: I’m not going to tell you that infidelity won’t negatively affect your marriage, at least at first. This wouldn’t be true and you’d never believe me anyway. Finding out that the person who you should be able to trust the most betrayed you is completely devastating and this affects everything in its wake.

The result is often a great deal of pain, shock, and struggling. This may also mean that your marriage is in real trouble, especially if you don’t do anything to save it. But, beneath the rubble can come rebuilding. I know this first hand because I’ve experienced it but also because I know that many of the folks who have contacted me have eventually experienced it as well. I’m not saying that saving a marriage marred by infidelity is easy. It really is not. It’s a process rather than a quick fix and there are often extremely difficult days. I’m also not saying that all marriages make it. They don’t. Sometimes, the cheating is just too much for the marriage.

But, I don’t want for you to feel as if you don’t have any control over what happens to your marriage because you most certainly do. You don’t have to just blindly make the assumption that infidelity means the end of your marriage. This is not the sum that always comes from the equation. There are plenty of marriages that do make it. With some effort and skill, yours can certainly be one of them.

What’s Typically Necessary To Keep Infidelity From Destroying Your Marriage: Sometimes, people tell me that they’re sure their marriage is over because they just don’t have the faith or belief that their marriage is going to survive. Sometimes I hear comments like: “Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people who is determined to save the marriage, nor do I wholeheartedly believe that we are going to make it no matter what. I know that this is necessary for success, but I just can’t convince myself that it’s true.”

This is perfectly OK. It’s normal and natural to have doubts. And, having them doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage. You don’t have to go into the process knowing the outcome. You just have to commit to doing the best that you can and continuing to keep going even as the doubts occur.

None of this means that you won’t struggle or that any of the healing will come easily and quickly. But, what eventually needs to happen is that both people are open to understanding why the infidelity happened so that they can fix the issues that left them vulnerable. It means working very hard to reestablish the trust and commitment. It means having patience with yourself and your spouse even when things aren’t going as planned. And it means taking inventory, reevaluating, and using what works for you and discarding what doesn’t so that you can create a marriage that is worth fighting for.

I often tell people that dealing with infidelity in your marriage is going to teach you a lot about yourself as an individual. That’s because infidelity brings out self doubt, fears, and past issues – some of which really don’t have all that much to do with your marriage. But this truly can be an opportunity to ask yourself what you really want out of your marriage and your life. As painful as this can be, it is an opportunity to start again with a deeper knowledge of your marriage and of yourself. This isn’t always destruction. It can be rebuilding. And sometimes it really does help to try to take a step back and see it for the opportunity that it is, even if it is a painful but necessary one.

By: Katie Lersch: Most of the people who reach out to me are the cheated on. They’re trying to rebuild, heal, and restore their self-esteem. 

Occasionally, though, I hear from the unfaithful spouse who desperately wants to make things right. They’re looking for guidance on how to confess their infidelity, convey their profound regret, and ultimately salvage their marriage. While what you say (and don’t say) is very important, your actions are just as vital. I’ll explain in the following article. 

Before Opening Up About the Affair, Ensure You’ve Made Things As Optimal as Possible: It’s crucial not to confess to infidelity while the affair is ongoing or while you’re still uncertain about your commitment to your spouse and marriage. 

Putting something like this on your spouse is bad enough, but it’s a million times worse when the affair isn’t over or you are unsure if you’re ready to end it. Before you even consider coming clean, make sure the affair is totally over, there is no more contact whatsoever, and you understand why you cheated and have a plan to fix whatever is broken.

If you can’t meet the above-mentioned standards, you are better off waiting until you can. Do not present your spouse with a larger problem than need be.  

Ideally, you want to show that you are ready to take immediate action and promise your very sincere commitment to your spouse, with prompt and complete rehabilitation. 

Taking Full Accountability for the Affair and Choose Your Words Wisely: As the one who cheated, it’s on you to take full responsibility for your actions and not to make excuses for what you did. 

This is the moment to be a responsible adult and accept blame for the situation you’ve created. It’s human nature to feel defensive and tempted to offer justifications when emotions run high, and accusations fly. 

However, making excuses or suggesting that the affair was a result of your spouse’s shortcomings will only exacerbate their anger.

The reality is, that you’re responsible for your choices and behavior. While your marriage might not have been perfect, no marriage is. You made the decisions that led to this point, and now it’s time to make full and complete amends. 

Have ruthless integrity, stand up, and fully admit your mistakes. Doing so will hopefully help your spouse understand that you are serious and sincere. 

Choose your words carefully. Lead with your regret and stress your undying and unwavering commitment. Don’t hold back your honest emotions. Your spouse needs to see that you feel them. 

Acknowledge your spouse’s pain and let them talk as much as they want and react however they want. This may be painful for you, but you owe it to your spouse to let them have their complete and total say – even if the tone is as angry as you’ve ever seen them. 

Make sure you stress that you know it is your responsibility to make this right and never ever insinuate that your spouse was in any way to blame or needs to be responsible for rebuilding. 

Approach Details With Extreme Sensitivity: Your spouse is going to have questions and is going to want details. Use extreme caution here. Your spouse doesn’t need to know the gory details that will only cause pain, but they do have a right to know the basics – who, what, when, where, why, how long, and who knew. 

Make sure your answers place the blame squarely on your own shoulders and no one else’s. Do everything in your power to preserve your spouse’s self-esteem. 

Actions Speak Louder Than Words: Understand that your spouse isn’t going to blindly believe what you say. You’ve betrayed them. You’ve lied to them. So of course they are going to be skeptical of what you have to say. They would be naive not to. 

That is why your actions must be above reproach. You must demonstrate your commitment to and love for your spouse through your behaviors and not your words. 

Show, don’t tell. Your words are empty. Your actions matter. 

Your spouse may well lash out at you. Your spouse could even kick you out or refuse to talk to you.  

That is when you’ll need to be patient, reassuring, and affectionate. Offer to get whatever type of help your spouse is comfortable with. Be prepared to stand by your spouse no matter what they say or do. Always remember how difficult this is for them and strive to be as loving and supportive as possible.

By: Katie Lersch: Having a husband who cheats is one of the things that almost all women fear. We all know couples who have had their marriages ruined by cheating. We all know wives who were never really the same after they were cheated on. This is many of our “worst case scenarios” — the thing that we’ve seen happen to many of our friends, but have silently prayed never happens to us. So, when it does happen to us, we immediately go into grief mode, afraid that the big bad wolf we’ve been hiding from for so long has finally found us and is breaking down the door.

And once we’re in the crosshairs of this process, we often really struggle with digging ourselves out. We sort of hole up, and focus solely on what was done to us rather than how we can take care of ourselves right now. In fact, most of the time, we take the absolute last seat on the bus. Because it’s so much easier to focus on where we failed and how we’re vulnerable and how much we are hurting. And, everyone is going to do this at first. It’s just human nature. But eventually, if we are to get ourselves back, we must learn how to best cope with an eye toward ourselves – not on others. This article will offer some tips and advice to help you do just that.

Moving From Grief To Coping After Your Husband Has Cheated: It’s only natural to be reeling for a while after you learn of his cheating or of an affair. It just takes time to process this. It can be really hard to wrap your brain around this at first and your mind is going to be swimming with questions that only he can answer, but probably won’t. Often, he’s trying to spare you pain, although you may not realize it at the time.

Still, you will want to know everything about her. What does she look like? Why he was attracted to her? What did they do and when? Is she still in the picture? How can you compete with her? And the list goes on and on. Once you get over your obsession with her, you’ll often want to know about all of the ways that you were betrayed. Who else knew about or participated in this? Where did this take place? How did this end? Or, did it?

The point is, you will have so many questions. And these things will just keep going through your mind as a continuous and nonending loop. Sometimes, your husband will do his very best to provide you with answers, but often, this just isn’t good enough because the trust is gone and you’re not sure if he’s just lying some more.

But, here’s the thing that you must eventually come to understand. You might never get the answers that are going to satisfy you. Yes, you absolutely have the right to ask them. But, it’s important that you don’t get stuck just repeating the same old thing and holding onto it like a crutch. Here’s the thing. Knowing these answers is not always going to make you feel any better. And, I firmly believe that you keep going back to these places because you are looking for some relief. You want to feel better. But, you don’t realize at the time that this is a dead end to nowhere which is only going to make you feel worse and worse.

To really cope and move forward after a husband’s cheating, the real key is to interrupt, and then to stop, the continuous loop of these hurtful thoughts and questions. Now, I know that this is a tall order. This is a difficult thing to accomplish. But, you must never stop trying and you must understand that this takes some practice and that it gets much easier over time.

Taking Care Of Yourself As A Means Of Coping With His Affair: Many women will immediately place the focus on their husbands. They are trying to understand his motivations and his thought process. And yes, it’s vital to understand why this has happened. But, never forget to also focus on yourself. You are wounded. And, unfortunately, often the only one who is going to tend to you and give you what you need is yourself. Men often aren’t socialized to offer this kind of care and, even if they were, you would be unlikely to accept this without your questioning his sincerity. You must take responsibility for being conscious of, accepting of, and then capable of, giving yourself what you need.

This may mean taking some time away from the situation. This might mean giving yourself permission to be “selfish” and to focus on only your needs and yourself for a little while. This may mean being honest about where your own insecurities and perceived shortcomings hold you back and giving yourself permission to fix these things. It may mean being brutally honest with your husband about what you need from him to begin to find your way back. 

Whatever you end up needing, please be honest. Don’t try to pretend that you’re something that you are not or that you’re OK when you are really struggling. There is no shame in this. You are not at fault. You did not cause this to happen. But, you do have to take responsibility for getting what you need to help you get through this and to emerge better and stronger as a result. Because if you are not brave and ask for and demand what you need, then no one is going to do this for you.

And, unfortunately, as a result, you will get less than what you need and deserve. And you don’t deserve this. You have every bit as much right and need to be happy as he does. That’s not to say that you can’t be happy with him. Maybe you will. But you won’t know this until you are able to break the loop of those hurtful and destructive thoughts we talked about. It’s not fair to you to allow these things to follow you around and hurt you over and over again. Do whatever you need to do to break and then stop this process. When you feel yourself sinking into this abyss, distract yourself with something that you enjoy or something that might take your mind off of this – even for a little while.

This may feel false or forced at first, but you do it more and more, I promise that it becomes easier

by: Katie Lersch: I was recently asked about the plausibility of an excuse by a wife whose husband had told her that he’d had an affair as an “escape mechanism” for the stress that was in his life at the time. 

He had recently lost his father, was worried about his job, had a health scare, and was generally just struggling with his life at the time. The wife didn’t buy any of this. Lots of people wanted an “escape” from everyday life, but not everyone chooses to cheat. And, if the husband was in fact struggling, he had a wife who would’ve been more than willing to help him through this.

This is a very valid point that few people would disagree with. Unfortunately, the husband approaching an affair can’t always see these same points, especially at the time. In the following article, I’ll attempt to take you through the thought process of a husband using an affair as an escape. 

Believe me when I say that I’m not defending these husbands. As a wife who has been cheated on, I would never do that. But, from first-hand experience, I believe that understanding the thought process can sometimes help with healing.

With that said, it can be very hard for those of us who would never, ever, be unfaithful to identify with this thinking. Infidelity is just a path that we would like to believe that we would never take. So it can be hard for us to wrap our brains around this. But I believe that having as much insight as possible is generally an advantage that we shouldn’t pass up.

Affairs As An Escape Mechanism: First of all, it’s slightly easier to buy this “escape” theory when the affair or cheating has only happened once. But, if you’re being given this excuse by a repeat offender, it becomes more difficult to buy into this. Maybe he was blindsided once, but if it keeps happening, then rehabilitation and healing are probably not taking place, and, in retrospect, one would like to think that he would learn to know better.

 Nevertheless, sometimes I do have men who tell me that they didn’t see this coming but that they learned their lesson and they never want to feel that vulnerable and helpless again. I can tell you that the vast majority of men tell me that they never set out to cheat or have an affair. It was not part of their plan. They never intended it. But usually, they will tell me that this occurred at a very bad time in their life. It’s much less common to hear of a man who had an affair when things were going absolutely wonderfully in his own life.

Many in bad situations are facing their own mortality after an illness or the loss of someone close to them. They know that they are aging. They might be worried about their job or being able to provide for their family. They may feel insignificant, incompetent, unworthy, or weak. In short, for some reason, they feel quite vulnerable and they do not like this.

Wives will very often ask me why in the world their husbands would not reach out to them during this vulnerable period. This is truly perplexing and maddening, but my theory on this has always been (and a few men have confirmed this for me) that they don’t want to admit this vulnerability to themselves

.Usually, what men tell me is that the opportunity for the affair presented itself to them. Most deny vigorously that they went looking for it and will maintain that they never had any intention of cheating on their wife. Most will tell you that this took them completely by surprise. And, many will continue in this same way to insist that they never intended for this to be a long-term thing. They counted on the fact that no one would find out, they hoped that they could feel some relief, regain their confidence and their strength, and then move on quickly and be able to cope again without anyone needing to know.

What they often don’t count on is the guilt or confusion that only adds to their problems and will begin to make their wife suspicious or at least more attentive to their struggles. And this is typically when they realize that they’ve created more problems than they have solved. Of course, unfortunately, it is now too late.

These things don’t excuse their cheating, and I don’t mean to imply an excuse. But, I do think that it can help to understand their “escapism” thought process because it is often quite real in their own mind, although it typically doesn’t make as much sense to wives.

My husband had various excuses for his cheating. And it took quite a while to sort out what the most prevailing contributing factors were, but doing so was quite important in order for me to have confidence that I could trust again. It also helps for both people to address their own personal struggles as much as possible, since vulnerable people are more likely to cheat.  Thankfully, he was willing to do the work and we are pretty solid today.  You can read the whole story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

By: Katie Lersch: It’s not unusual for wives to feel pressured to offer forgiveness after their husband cheats or has an affair. And many of the wives struggle with this. Some really want to save their marriages. They want to move on. But, they are still very angry about the whole situation. Some feel rage every time they think about their husbands being with someone else while they was caring for the family or doing chores alone. 

So, every time some of them consider the thought of forgiveness, they get a mental picture of their husband’s deceit and decide that they just can not forgive right now. 

A wife might explain it this way: “My husband is pressuring me to forgive him after his affair. Granted, I know that he has really been trying to work with me in good faith. He is really trying to heal this marriage. I will give him that. But, I’m just not ready to forgive just yet. I feel that it is too soon. But when I tell him this, he gets annoyed and pressures me to give him a time frame. I can’t. I don’t know. The weird thing is, I know that I still love him. Is it possible to still love a cheating husband and not be able to forgive?”

I think that it is. Below I’ll tell you why.

I Believe It’s Possible To Love A Person While Despising Their Actions: Sometimes, people confess to me that they feel like the second they find out their spouse has cheated on them, they assume that the love immediately leaves. Many people see infidelity as the deal breaker that negates all love. 

But, when this thing happens to you, it sometimes doesn’t work this way. I was one of those people that made these types of assumptions. But, despite my beliefs, when infidelity happened to me, I didn’t just stop loving my husband and I wasn’t able to turn off my feelings like a faucet.

I believe that some people very much continue to love their cheating spouse even if they loathe and despise the act of cheating and what that same cheating has done to their marriage. This is what happened in my situation and in others that I know of. 

However, I know some people who have had the opposite occur and swore that the second they learned about cheating, every ounce of love also left. I’m sure the response is as individual as the people involved. All responses are valid.

I Believe That Love And Forgiveness Are Two Different Things: The husband in the above situation was obviously equating forgiveness with love. He asserted that if the wife loved him, then she must forgive. I don’t necessarily agree. Forgiveness is an individual choice that often requires a few things to be able to offer it with an open heart and without any doubts.

In order to forgive, most people will need to understand why the cheating happened. They will need to know that their spouse is sorry and remorseful. They often want to know that their spouse still loves them and isn’t putting on a show. And they want to see some changed behaviors and some safeguards that have been put into place. 

These things will often eventually bring about the confidence and peace of mind to go ahead and forgive.

The wife in the above situation had not yet gotten all of these things. Yet, the husband was demanding that she just gloss over what she needed and forgive anyway. Not only do I think this is unfair, but I think it could potentially be setting things up to backfire. 

If the wife gave in and forgave before she was really ready, issues may go unresolved and this conflict could continue to show itself in negative ways.

Forgiveness Truly Is More About You Than About Your Cheating Spouse: In the above situation, the husband was presenting forgiveness as something the wife should give him. But honestly, I don’t believe that this is really the way that it works. It’s my experience that the cheated on choose to forgive because they know that doing so will release them from all the negativity that they’ve been carrying around. 

For me, it felt so good to decide to let this go. Sure, it made my husband happy. But this was secondary for me. It was about me, not about him.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Delaying Forgiveness While Continuing To Love: In the above situation, I didn’t see anything at all wrong with the wife stressing that while she DID love her husband, she just wasn’t ready to forgive at this time. That didn’t mean that she wouldn’t be ready to forgive in the future. It just meant that right now, she didn’t have what she needed to freely offer this.

She may consider telling her husband what he could do to provide her with more of what she needed. Or, she may choose not to do that for now. But there is nothing wrong with being honest and not allowing yourself to be pressured. 

I do believe that it’s possible to love someone very much and not be able to forgive them for cheating initially. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you will never forgive them. It just means that you are being honest about how you feel during the present time.

I believe it is more important to focus on getting the healing you need rather than putting a deadline or time frame on forgiveness. It will happen when you are comfortable that the time is right.

You can always just be honest and explain that your not be ready now doesn’t mean that you won’t be ready in the future and the best way for him to speed the process is to show you patience and understanding.