Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There’s no emotional pain like the pain of being cheated on. You placed your trust and love in someone and they betrayed you in the worst way. They took your heart and they stomped on it. And it is a pain unlike any you’ve experienced.

Of course you never want to feel that again. Of course you never want another painful experience like this one. So you want to know what you can do to avoid a repeat. You want to know how you can develop a cheating radar and protect yourself.

A wife might say, “Ever since my husband cheated on me, I don’t trust a soul. I think that everyone is deceitful and, I’m horrified to say that I went from thinking that people are inherently good to feeling that I know that people are inherently bad. I know this is not a healthy way to look at the world. But I can’t help it. I feel like I need to be hypervigilant to protect myself from awful harm. I feel like there is emotional turmoil around every corner. And I honestly hate feeling this way, but I don’t see any way around it. How can I protect myself without driving myself even crazier than I already feel?”

Acknowledge That this is Fresh and New:  Franky, you are likely very raw right now and that is not in any way your fault. Of course, you want to protect yourself from future harm. That’s a natural human response. And you have every right to expect that your relationship won’t hurt you or do you emotional harm. 

Know That You Need Something Other Than a Guarantee: I have to tell you the truth. I know of no way to guarantee that you’ll never experience infidelity again. You can certainly control your own behaviors, but you can’t control anyone else. However, what you CAN do is to create an environment of reasonable safeguards so that you give yourself some relief, and then you can focus on your own healing so you have confidence in YOURSELF which means you won’t need to worry as much.

Reasonable Safeguards: I think that most people would agree that it would be silly not to keep an eye out for any issues in any relationship. No one wants to be caught blindsided and if a bit of vigilance can prevent that, so be it. After the affair, I required that my husband leave his phone on the counter when not in use and not to use the computer late into the evening. He also doesn’t travel alone anymore. If he’s going to be late, there needs to be a good reason and he needs to let me know.

I don’t think any of these things are unreasonable and if he does, he doesn’t vocalize it. He does these things without much complaint. It’s just the price of his mistake and it gives me peace of mind, so we both consider it worth it.

The Fine Line:  With the above said, I think you have to be careful. You don’t want the sole focus of your relationship to be the affair. You don’t want to spend so much time looking for another infidelity that you damage your current relationship or become obsessive about seeing deceit in others. That’s very easy to do. You don’t want to self-sabotage a healing relationship.

After my husband began making good on his promises for quite some time and I felt sufficiently healed, I felt more comfortable not having to cling so tightly to hypervigilance because, quite frankly, it always felt like I was expecting him to cheat again, and that’s only not healthy, it’s just absolutely exhausting. 

You have to be careful that you’re not watching so much that you’re not also seeing the good things and the healing that is in front of you. Going through life expecting the worst affects your happiness and confidence. You have to be careful that you’re not overdoing it.

Healing Will Solve Part of This:  I don’t want you to take what I am about to say in the wrong way. Because I’m adamant that none of this is your fault. At all. However, if you can do the work and take the time that you need to heal, you can restore some of your confidence. And with confidence, comes a bit of calm. You know that you can handle yourself if need be so you don’t have to freak yourself out every day waiting for the shoe to fall.

You know that you can live your life as healthy and as happy as possible and you will deal with anything undesirable if and when it happens. And frankly, it may not happen at all. So there’s no true need to worry endlessly about something that may never even happen.

I’m certainly not telling you to look the other way or to not keep an eye out for concerning behavior. I’d never advocate that. But I am saying that it makes sense not to allow yourself to always expect the worst and to never enjoy what you have because you dread what might happen. 

To 100% protect yourself, you’d have to swear off relationships altogether. And no one wants or needs to do that. You can try to choose the right person. You can try to keep your relationship strong. You can keep a reasonable eye out with defined safeguards, and you can try to keep yourself strong. 

Beyond that, you just have to know that you can handle whatever comes if and when, but you’re not going to assume the worst because you deserve better. No one wants to live their life in expectation of something that may never happen.

I don’t live in dread anymore.  Life is just too short for that, but I do keep an eye out because I am human.  You can read about how I healed at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives understand why they might have trust issues with their husbands after the affair. He violated her trust. He lied to her face.  

But what many wives don’t anticipate is how the affair might mean that she loses trust in herself. She might begin to doubt her own judgments and her ability to read people or see what is right in front of her. In severe cases, she may begin to doubt her own abilities and intelligence. 

She might say, “You would have thought that I would have had a good cheating radar. My first husband cheated on me, and I was caught blindsided. So I know the signs – at least after the fact. And I had learned a hard lesson – things aren’t always as they appear, and people you love can lie and betray when everything seems fine. And yet, with my second husband, I didn’t see it coming, and I was once again shocked, surprised, and brought to my knees. I wonder if I am just oblivious and an idiot. My second husband sure fooled me. But he fooled everyone else too. Everyone thinks he’s such a good man. So solid and honest. But it was all a lie. I now look at everyone I interact with and I wonder what I am missing. I think that everyone is hiding something. Even good people who are good to me. I look for flaws. I look for little white lies. I think that every human on the planet is trying to pull one over on me. Because I think I’m too stupid to figure things out. I’m too dumb to see the writing on the wall. I know that this is silly. I have a challenging job that I’m good at. I’ve excelled at things where I have to use my mind. But if I am so smart, why have I been fooled like this twice now? Am I just too stupid to know when someone is cheating on me?”

You’re certainly not stupid. Like all of us, you want to think the best of the people you love. And you don’t look for deception when they give you no reason to. I’ve always believed that honest people don’t look for deception in others because deception is a foreign concept to them. You’re likely an honest person who doesn’t expect others to be dishonest. That’s to be commended. 

You Are Not the One Who is Flawed:  Do not blame yourself in any way. While it may be true that you didn’t see this coming either time, you’re not the one who did the betraying. You are not the one who did anything wrong. Your husbands are. 

Do not take any of the blame onto your shoulders. You didn’t see it because you wanted to believe in your spouse. It’s as simple as that. There is no reason to be angry or disappointed in yourself. You aren’t the one who made the mistake.

When You Lose Trust in Those Who Haven’t Betrayed You, Then Your World Gets Smaller:  I understand what you are saying when you say that you began to suspect everyone of wrongdoing. I did that too. I started to think that all men cheat. I started to suspect that all wives were being duped. I was wrong, of course. I let my perceptions get skewed, and I allowed relationships with good men and good friends to become negatively affected because of my perceptions.

All this did was make my support system even smaller. Now, I didn’t tell many people about the affair. But friends and family were still my support system – whether they knew they were supporting me or not. Honestly, they were supporting me by just being there like always.  

But if you allow yourself to become so jaded that you start to suspect your support system of wrongdoing, you’re hurting yourself in more ways than one. You need them and you don’t deserve to go through the world not trusting in the goodness of people. Many people are good. Most people make mistakes. But at the end of the day, the good far outweighs the bad for most people.

When You Doubt Your Intelligence You Undermine Vital Confidence:  I suspect that you know somewhere in your heart that you’re incredibly intelligent. But it’s unfortunately normal for doubt to seep in. When that happens, it can undermine your confidence, which is unfortunate because your confidence is something you’ll need to either maintain or recover to move on. This is true regardless of whether you’re going to stay with your husband or not. 

There can be so many hits to your self-esteem after your husband cheats. Sometimes, you have to fight to keep it intact or you have to actively rebuild it. But don’t willingly give it away by thinking yourself less intelligent than you are. Don’t sell yourself short because you weren’t willing to suspect the man you love.

Don’t allow yourself to willingly label yourself as less than anyone else. You aren’t. You are just as intelligent today as you were before you learned about the affair. Your perception has changed because of what you’ve learned about your husband. If your judgment of anyone should change, it should be him – not you. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t change your behavior. But he did.

Place the lack of judgment where it belongs – with him. Not with you. If anything, it wasn’t intelligent to cheat on a woman whose previous husband cheated on her. That woman is going to already have a vulnerable place. He can now pick up the pieces of that mistake.

But you didn’t make a mistake. You were doing what you were supposed to do – trust your husband and have faith in him. That’s not unintelligent. That’s simply what most spouses do.  That’s what I did.  I didn’t see it coming, either.  But in the end, I’m not sure it matters.  However it comes, you still have to deal with it.  You still have to heal.  And that is a process.  You can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Even if you are normally very confident, it’s not unusual for your self-esteem to take a hit after your husband’s affair. His having any type of relationship with someone else – no matter how superficial – can feel like a rejection of you. And you can wonder how you ceased to keep his attention and whether he’s just no longer interested.

As an example, a wife might comment, “I’m not normally someone who doesn’t give myself enough credit. I know that I am capable and that I have much to offer. I’m very intelligent. I’ve been a good spouse. But now that I’ve found out that my husband has cheated on someone younger, I am fixated on it. She’s honestly not that pretty, but she is young, and that’s something that I just can’t compete with. I take care of myself, of course. I believe that I am decent-looking for my age. But that wasn’t enough to keep my husband faithful.”

“He says it wasn’t about my looks and that it didn’t have anything at all to do with me. He said he was just being old and stupid. He swears that he still finds me beautiful inside and out. I want to believe that. We honestly had a good marriage before all of this happened. So I really want to believe that, but I just can’t get over feeling like I have to compete, and at the end of the day, I can’t. I can’t fight the passing of time. And there are younger women all over the place. My husband has done most of what I have asked. It’s not as if he’s refusing to end the affair, or demanding that I just accept it while he’s indignant about his actions. So I guess that is something. But I don’t know how I will get over how bad I feel about myself now.”

Many faithful wives go through what you are going through now. It’s nearly impossible to maintain the same level of self-esteem you had before when your spouse cheated, at least initially. It’s an immediate reaction, and no matter how much you try to calm down and think it through rationally, emotions can get the better of you. Here are some things that might make you feel better:

He’s Often Right When He Tells You It’s About Him: Your husband may be sincere when he tells you that it wasn’t about her, that it was about him. It’s very common for men who are going through their own issues with aging or other stressors to be tempted to do things that make them feel young, attractive, and vibrant again. An affair is one of those things, and it is more about how it makes them feel than about the other woman.

I can’t tell you how often I hear from people who tell me the other woman isn’t attractive, smart, or doesn’t have much to offer, but it just doesn’t matter to the husband sometimes. That’s because the affair wasn’t about her. It was about how the action made him feel about himself at the time or how it provided relief from the negativity he was feeling. 

And knowing your husband is something that you CAN compete with. If you are still invested in your marriage and are so inclined, you can support him in whatever he is going through, if you like.  

But you are not responsible for his struggles. And they aren’t an excuse for cheating. He still made an unfortunate choice. But it may help to think that the affair could very well have been more about him than about her. The fact that he’s moved on from her so quickly and easily is a good sign. 

Shoring Up Your Self-Esteem:  I definitely had to work on my self-esteem after my husband cheated. But I learned something about the process. It shouldn’t be done from a place of desperation. Because if it is, you almost project that you are less than. And you are not less than. You are the same wonderful, interesting, and vibrant woman you were before you learned about cheating. The only difference now is your perception of yourself.

It helps to remind yourself that nothing has changed about you. If it makes you feel better about yourself to work on your appearance, weight, wardrobe, or sexuality, then, by all means, give yourself permission to do it. But you shouldn’t feel like you HAVE to do any of these things if you know in your heart that you are fine. 

I did get a bit healthier and indulged in a bit of pampering, but that is because I felt like I more than deserved it. I didn’t want my husband to think that I thought there was something wrong with me or that I wasn’t enough. 

From going through this myself and from speaking with other women, what is most attractive is confidence. If you know that you are the best that you can be, then that is enough, and that’s usually super attractive.

But if you suddenly doubt yourself, become insecure, and no longer maintain eye contact, or your enjoyment of life, then you project that something is wrong with you or that something is deficient. You’re not deficient, and you don’t need to feel like you have to compete.

You can ask your husband to do the work so that you’re sure that he will continue to be faithful and you don’t feel as insecure. I found that as we healed, my self-esteem got better and better. And as I worked on myself on my own, it got even better still. Some days were better than others but gradually, my self-esteem was pretty much restored because I realized the affair had very little to do with me, so I wasn’t going to punish myself for it.  You can read the entire story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I wish I could say that every person who cheats or has an affair would own up to it immediately and take full responsibility without offering up any excuses. But this doesn’t always happen. Instead, people want to understand and then explain why they acted the way they did. After all, the faithful spouse usually wants answers. So the cheating spouse feels compelled to offer them. And one common “answer” to explain an affair is drinking or being drunk.

A faithful spouse might explain, ” My husband cheated on me with a coworker, and his excuse was that everyone at this event was drinking so he felt peer-pressured to do so. He rarely drinks. And I know for a fact that he can’t hold his liquor because I’ve seen him on the few occasions that he drinks. It isn’t pretty. He’s really a mess. Of course, knowing this, he is now saying that the drinking was a catalyst for the cheating. He claims that if he wasn’t drunk, this never would have happened. He swears that it was the one time, and it never happened again. “

“And I want to believe that, but he gets very weird when I want to talk about this or ask questions about the other woman. So I’m honestly not sure if I believe him or not. I’ve seen a couple of texts between them since I found out about the affair, but he said they were work-related. I asked that this stop because it makes me very uncomfortable, and since then, I haven’t seen it anymore. I don’t know where this leaves me. I feel a bit short-changed. He made this mistake, and now I have to live with it. But it’s as if he thinks all he needs to do is mention alcohol, and he’s totally in the clear. So, therefore, I don’t get regular healing like many wives who deal with infidelity.”

Why You Get What You Demand: I think that you are entitled to every bit of healing that you think you need or even want. Regardless of whether you agree that drinking is a valid excuse, this was still infidelity. You will still likely deal with the same anger, betrayal, self-doubt, lack of trust, and confusion that comes with any bout of cheating. Regardless of the catalyst, the consequences are the same. They should be dealt with appropriately. The reason for cheating doesn’t negate that. Nor does it mean that you need to settle for less.

What Drinking Does or Doesn’t Do:  Drinking can most definitely lower someone’s inhibitions and cloud their judgment. People can act more aggressively or freely when they are drunk. They can certainly do things that they wouldn’t normally do. That said, most people are at least aware of what they are doing on some level when they are drunk.  

Some people think that drinking only allows someone to do what was in their mind or their heart before the drinking. I don’t know if that is true, but it is hard in many cases to blame only the drinking – and not at least partially the person – for the infidelity. 

Some Things to Think About Regarding Valid Excuses for Cheating:  Determining whether drinking is an excuse you want to honor is something that only you can decide. If YOU think it is a valid excuse, then it is officially valid. You know your husband better than anyone else, and you’ve seen him when he was drinking. For myself, I chose to consider it, but I ultimately didn’t think that it alone answered for the affair. Why? Because I had a very wise therapist tell me that there is not any valid excuse for cheating because people always have choices. Of course, this is just one person’s opinion. That line of thinking may not work for you. 

At the end of the day, though, a person’s bad choices are theirs alone. Drinking doesn’t negate consequences in a court of law because the outcome is still just as damaging, even if the person in question wishes they could undo their mistake. The damage is already done. That said, your home is not a court of law. The choice really is yours, and you have to decide what feels right for you.

The Distinction Between the First Time and Multiple Times:  An important consideration might be whether this is the first time your spouse has cheated or if there has been more than one time. It is more understandable to forgive the first mistake and then hope the cheating spouse is so repentant that they will do whatever is necessary to learn their lesson, rehabilitate and become the faithful spouse that you deserve going forward.

That is a very different situation from the spouse who has now gotten drunk and cheated more than once. Obviously, the first time this happens, that is a cue that your husband can no longer drink alone and without you being present. If he chooses to do that, then he’s not making you and your marriage as high a priority as his bad decisions, and he’s showing a high likelihood that he will re-offend. 

This is different than the husband who has made a mistake once and never ever does it again or never repeats the behavior that made him vulnerable in the first place.

Regardless of my husband’s excuses for cheating, I had my own requirements for healing that I really wasn’t willing to compromise about.  I knew that if I didn’t truly heal, I could not fully participate in the marriage again, and that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s no fun to feel as if you are at the mercy of your cheating spouse for information about the affair. In the early stages, he can and does tell you what he wants you to know. However, typically, as time goes on, information begins to leak out and you begin to learn more specific information about what really took place. And, while you often want to know the truth, this additional information can be painful. An example is when you thought you were dealing with a one-night stand and then learn that perhaps you were dealing with an affair all along. 

Someone might explain, “When I originally found out about my husband’s coworker, he confessed it to me. He came to me after he had been drinking, and he had been crying. He said he had to tell me something, and then proceeded to say that he’d had a one-night stand with a coworker. He swore it didn’t mean anything. He said he didn’t even like this woman in a day-to-day setting. And he said he is avoiding her like the plague at work. He also told me that she wasn’t even remotely interested in him because she has young children and doesn’t want to jeopardize her marriage in any way. He made it sound like this is his life’s biggest regret, and that it was over and he would never do it again.”  

“Initially, I was devastated, and I didn’t know how I was going to cope with this, but I did a lot of work, and I finally figured if he had enough integrity to come clean, then I could at least try to meet him halfway and just see what happened. After I did that, I honestly thought that we made some progress, but then I got an email from this other woman apologizing to me about the affair and assuring me that it was over. When I responded back that my understanding was that it was just a one-night stand, her response was…. ‘umm, no, it was more than that.’ When I confronted my husband, he said she was just trying to cause trouble. Now I don’t know what to think. I thought she had small kids and didn’t want any trouble. But now it seems like she’s not above making trouble. And now I find myself doubting my husband, and I worry that all the progress we made was false because it was made on a lie.”

Ask Yourself Why She’s Doing This: This new information does put you in a rough spot, but I’d suggest asking yourself why this other woman would want to reach out to you. It’s always my tendency to take any declarations the other woman makes with a grain of salt. I always wonder what is in it for her. Sometimes, I feel like she has an agenda or she is just looking to boost her own ego or keep the drama going. In the end, if she is really sorry for cheating with your husband, wouldn’t she just go away and allow you to heal with that same husband? The fact that she seems to want to insert herself into your life suggests that she may have an agenda. It was always my strategy not to engage or assume she is a reliable source of information. If you do, she may continue to reach out, and it will be even harder for you to move on. You need her out of your life, not in it.

Keep Looking For Clues That It’s Really Over:  Despite what she has said, you’ve indicated that you’ve made progress. I assume part of that is that you believed it was truly over and that your husband’s behavior confirmed this. Continue looking for behavior that indicates he’s serious about moving on with fidelity – no going out without you, no traveling, no phantom phone calls or texts, no computer or phone late at night, etc.

If you continue to see this type of forthcoming behavior and he continues to act in a way that you find truthful and rehabilitative, then some wives will choose to continue to trust him until he gives them a reason not to.

I admit that of course there is a chance that this was an affair rather than a one-night stand, and he minimized it because he was afraid that you could never move on if you knew the truth. In other words, he lied partially because he was afraid of losing you. That doesn’t make it right, but this is admittedly possible.

To me, the bottom line always comes back to if it is truly over right now. Because in the end, a one-night stand and an affair have the same type of recovery. The relationship must end, and there must be regret, rehabilitation, and rebuilding. He should prioritize your healing and embrace the behaviors that mean you won’t have to deal with a repeat performance of this ever again. These things should happen even if you are dealing with a one-night stand.

Both types of relationships have their own sets of things to overcome and their own reasons for happening. Many people think that an affair is worse, but a man who has a one-night stand has the same impulse control issues as the man who has an affair. Some men just have a one-night stand because there is no opportunity for an affair.

It is up to you to decide if you can or want to move on in the rehabilitation process, but I would not let this woman’s claims undo the hard work that you have done. Worry about your own well-being and your own healing, watch your husband closely, and see what the coming days bring. You do not need to decide what to do right this second. As long as the relationship is over, you have options.

I didn’t decide to stay with my husband right away. I took my time to watch his behaviors and to see how much I was able to heal.  I do not regret staying, but I understand that this may not be the right decision for everyone.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Few faithful spouses are fully satisfied with their spouse’s behavior after an affair. Sometimes, he’s not sorry enough. Other times, he is indignant, clueless, or uncaring. Some husbands refuse to show much of anything. Others have very strong reactions and behaviors. Regardless of how they behave, wives usually dislike at least some of it.

One less common example that a wife can take exception to is passivity. And because this issue is less common, wives can worry that they’re wrong to be put off by it.

A wife might say, “I’ve always liked my husband’s assertiveness. He goes after what he wants – which is the exact opposite of me. He’s a go-getter and I am much more subdued. I’ve always kind of lived vicariously through him in this way. I see his assertiveness as a very masculine feature to which I am drawn. But this masculine go-getter of mine had an affair and showed this feature to someone else. Ever since I caught him, his personality has changed. Now he’s suddenly shut down and borderline passive. He defers to me now and I, too, am a very passive person. So now we have two people who can’t make up their minds and who are quiet little mice. I know that this is a very petty complaint. I know I should be complaining about his accountability, level of sorrow, and transparency. We’ve had issues with some of these things, but I have to be honest and say that he does appear to be really trying. I can’t pretend he hasn’t been trying to do what I ask. But I’m not sure how to ask him to go back to his regular self. I don’t know how to articulate it without sounding so petty.”

I don’t think it’s petty. But I do think there may be a reason that he’s suddenly passive. And I also think there’s a way that you can bring it up in a positive manner. I’ll discuss all of these things below.

Why a Man May Change Parts of his Personality After the Affair: Although passivity is a less common change, it’s not uncommon to see personality changes after an affair. Often, the man perceives that this part of his personality is problematic or perhaps suspicious so he wants to tone that part of himself down. In this case, the wife sees his aggressiveness as a masculine trait. And chasing women can also be seen as masculine. So perhaps this husband doesn’t want his wife to see him as the aggressive go-getter who pursues what he wants when it comes to women. 

He may also think that his passivity is just being agreeable, and he may assume that, since he’s already on thin ice, it is to his benefit to be agreeable to a fault. He may want to give you as much of what you want as possible – not realizing that this is not what you want.

How to Tell Him the Passivity is a Pass: You probably don’t want to come right out and tell him that he’s become a spineless mouse. That would only make him defensive. Wait for a time when he once again defers to you and says something like, “I miss how you used to make quick decisions and pursued what you wanted. You don’t have to think that you need to defer to me all of the time. I know that’s not who you are. You don’t have to pretend otherwise. I’m asking that you are honest, trustworthy, and rehabilitating. But I’m not asking you to completely change who you are.”

He may be relieved at this, or he may try to tell you that he wasn’t consciously trying to change everything. The truth is that he may not realize that he is doing this because he’s just trying to tread lightly. 

Understand That Both of You Might Have Careful Behavior:  It’s normal for both people to be on measured behavior after the affair. No one wants to make things worse or make another mistake. Many faithful wives describe this period as “fake” or “inauthentic.” The faithful spouse can become harsher than is normal for their personality, while the cheating spouse can become softer to try to be accommodating. These changes aren’t always permanent. As healing begins and things calm down, personalities can eventually return to normal.

Important Perspective:  I know that you are annoyed by his behavior in more ways than one, but try to remember that he may have changed because he thinks it will make you more comfortable or happier. Once you make clear that it hasn’t, hopefully, it will be a smooth change back. It’s very important to ask for what you need because no one is a mindreader, and husbands generally aren’t that great at guessing or at knowing exactly how we feel. My husband definitely changed parts of his personality after his affair.  And it went on for longer than I wanted.  But part of that was because I didn’t speak up and some of that was because it took some time to heal.  Today, we are both much closer to the true version of ourselves. You can read more about our rehabilitation at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: After your spouse cheats or has an affair, things can feel tainted. You can feel as if the life you thought was yours wasn’t really yours to keep. It can start to feel that it was all a lie or that you were the only one who was truly in the right kind of love and actually committed. The marriage you thought you had is now in question in multiple ways. And it can be hard to look at that same marriage with anything but scrutiny.

What used to be fond memories now make you unsure. It may actually be painful to think back on memories that used to bring you joy. A wife might say, “Everything I see in my house causes me pain right now. I love photographs, and I have them in every room. So I regularly see pictures of my husband and me from when we were dating until now. The pictures always show us smiling, having fun, and looking in love. They used to bring me comfort, and I rarely walked into a room without looking at them and smiling. Now, they make me want to cry. Because I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me. So now I look at those photos, and I think that at least one person in them was living a lie. I wonder if those loving looks were all fake and if he didn’t love me in the way I thought. He says that I am being ridiculous about this and that of course he loved me then – and he still loves me now. But if that is true, why did he cheat? I used to always like to remember back to memories my husband and I have shared over the years, but now I feel like all of that is completely ruined. My husband is begging me to try to look at this in another way, but I don’t think I can.”

The uncertainty you are feeling is very common. I felt it very deeply. I don’t think the question is how to stop feeling it because, in my experience – at least initially – those feelings are going to come. I think the real question is, can you eventually stop feeling it if you are open to saving your marriage despite the affair? For me, the answer was yes, but I have to be honest. The process took a while. And I’m not here to knock anyone who doesn’t want to wait or put in the work. This decision is very individual, and there is no right or wrong answer. Nonetheless, I’ll share some ways of thinking that eventually helped me overcome this below.

One Mistake Doesn’t Necessarily Negate Everything Else: I wasn’t able to have this thought until I’d done a good deal of healing. I could have never thought like this initially. But today, I look back at everything we went through, and I realize that although my husband made a horrible mistake, he is still the man who never waivers when I need his support, and he is still the man who has been there for me through some very hard times – despite what it has cost him personally to do so.  

He’s still the man who makes me breakfast on Sundays and who dresses like Santa Claus for neighborhood children. I can’t pretend that none of the good times happened, just like I can’t pretend that the bad times didn’t happen. Doing so is actually disrespectful to me because it assumes that I spent my entire adult life being duped. I don’t believe that is true because my husband spent years after the affair making sure that I knew that everything before the affair was real. I honestly don’t think someone would do this if they weren’t still very invested in their spouse and marriage.

The Memories are as Much for You as They are For Him:  I used to think that I was punishing my husband when I refused to look back on our lives. But I now realize that I was only hurting myself. The life experiences that formed the memories have not changed. All of those things still happened – just as I remembered them. What had changed was my perception. My perception changed for only one reason while the memories were formed from so many good things. In other words, the memories had longevity and numbers on their side. There was more good than bad.

My grandfather is deceased, and after he passed, thinking of him was painful because his passing was fresh. However, today, I love thinking of him. We had wonderful memories. It still hurts to know that we won’t be making any new memories. But that doesn’t negate the wonderful memories that we had, and I don’t want to cheat myself by not allowing myself to remember and feel them.

Your memories with your husband may become like this again – if you want them to and if you can heal.

Your Feelings Can Evolve:  As I’ve alluded to, how you feel today may not be the way you feel six months from now or in some years. I certainly don’t feel as raw, angry, or damaged as I did right after the affair, but I worked very hard to heal. I’d never pretend that I’m fine about the affair happening. That will never be true. It was a very painful part of my life. But I’ve had painful parts of my life that have come and gone. The affair is one of them. I realized a while back that I didn’t want to continue to drag that kind of pain along with me, like a heavy burden that is never going to go away. This would have been true no matter what happened with my marriage. It’s just too big a burden to bear.  (You can read about how I moved on at https://surviving-the-affair.com

None of this means that you can happily look at your wedding pictures tomorrow, but it might mean that you will be able to in the future. Your reaction now is normal, and it isn’t indicative of how things are going to turn out. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to heal, and you may feel differently in the future. If not, these are your feelings, and you have every right to them. But it may be too soon to know how you’re going to feel in the long term. 

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By: Katie Lersch: Husbands and wives rarely agree about consequences after an affair. The faithful spouse generally wants appropriate, swift, and lasting consequences, while the cheating spouse wants to express their regret, make things right, and then move on with picking up the pieces of their life.

But here’s the problem. Recovery isn’t always linear. And it doesn’t happen on anyone’s timeline. It doesn’t happen because it’s convenient, either. Sometimes you feel like you’re making progress, and the next day, you move several steps back. And this is actually normal and not your fault.

Many faithful wives are frustrated when it seems as if their cheating husband is rushing them to completely put the affair behind them when they aren’t anywhere near ready to do that.

One might explain, “There’s no denying it. My husband cheated egregiously. He showed himself to be a liar and a manipulator. He showed no real regard for my well-being or for our family. And now he thinks that he can just go to a few counseling sessions and move on. I’m not ready to do that. I still don’t feel that things are normal, and I don’t know when I’m going to feel that way. I still require his regret and his rehabilitation, but he seems to think he’s already done that, and he doesn’t have to keep doing it. I’ll ask him questions about the affair, and he’ll tell me he’s already answered them. Maybe he has in some cases, but I ask again because I’m still unsatisfied with the answer. He needn’t think he can just wrong me this way and I’m going to have to drop it. But that is what he’s posturing about. He says he doesn’t know how long he can go on living in a world where he’s always the bad guy, and everything he does is wrong. The thing is, he is the bad guy in this story. I am certainly not, but he’s trying to make it seem like I am unreasonable in some way. I don’t know many wives who would be willing to just let it go like this. I do believe the affair is over, but I don’t believe recovery is.”

I am a wife who dealt with this, and I did eventually let it go – mostly. But not before I healed properly. And I am sure that healing took longer than my husband anticipated or wanted. But I made it clear to him early on what I would need, and I didn’t want to compromise – although I ultimately did, at least a little. I’ll share some things that helped me below.

The Difference Between Rehabilitation and Revenge:  If I’m being honest, there were times when I was absolutely hateful to my husband after his affair. I had no interest in trying to be cordial to him. And even as we were in recovery and he was doing basically everything I asked, I still punished him with my words and my coldness. In every way I could, I let him know that he was on thin ice with me. I let him know that I didn’t truly consider him my equal partner.

Yes, he deserved it. But no one is going to live like that indefinitely. Once you’ve had the time to truly heal and rehabilitate, you likely want to approach the situation with the spirit of cooperation and respect. If you can’t do that, then you probably still have some healing to do, and that is perfectly okay. In my experience, healing is something that you cannot rush.

Making Sure You Have the Most Effective Methods of Healing:  I’m not going to tell you that there’s a right and a wrong way to heal. Or that there is a deadline for it. There isn’t. But over time, you should feel like you’re at least making a little progress. If you keep churning the same old problems the same old way over and over again with no dent in the resentment or anger, then it may be time to try something new or to ask yourself if some of your needs aren’t yet being met. Often, the cheating spouse will give pat responses thinking this is what we want to hear, but we really want his attention, sincerity, and honesty. When we don’t get that, we’re frustrated and we lash out. And then he pushes back. It’s a vicious cycle because we don’t identify what we still need.

Asking for What You Still Haven’t Gotten: Sometimes it helps to ask yourself what you still haven’t gotten. There are common things that slow this process down – not feeling he’s sincerely sorry or honest, not feeling that he understands how this affects you, not feeling that he’s making an effort to be trustworthy, and doubting his sincerity are landmines that many people get stuck in.  

But if you can identify them, then you can be honest with your husband and tell him where he’s still falling short. Sure, you may have to be careful how you say it, but sometimes, if you don’t say it, then you’re still going to come up against that issue, again and again, frustrating you both.

So if his answers still frustrate you as was described above, you might try something like, “I don’t mean to harp on it. I know that we’re both tired of going around and around, and I want to move on as much as you do. But if I don’t provide the answers that I need, I can’t. Please don’t answer me, in the same way this time. Let’s start to turn the corner. I know that we both have to give some, and I want to, but I also need answers.”

Sometimes if you explain it to him this way, he will have a little more patience. He’s dealing with fear too – fear that this is his lot in life, and it’s never going to change. Fear that you aren’t ever going to see him in the same way again and are always going to punish him so that the two of you can’t be happy or live in peace. As I alluded to, I did let go of the fallout eventually.  But I made sure I had what I needed first.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I’ve heard a lot of questions from wives dealing with cheating husbands. But one of the more common ones is some variation of “Why am I still married to a man who cheated?” The wife usually says this as if she has something to explain or apologize for. It generally sounds something like this:

“My husband cheated on me, and it was bad. She was very young, and I was almost blindsided because he lied to me so much and then gaslit me when I suspected him. He practically told me I was crazy until I virtually caught him red-handed. Now he still acts as if I’ve done something wrong when he’s the one who cheated. Sure, he is now trying to make it up to me, but I feel like it may well be too little too late. I always saw friends going through this in their marriages, and I’d wonder why the wife stayed. Now I’m starting to wonder this about myself. Yes, there is still counseling to do, and I know I have to heal. But sometimes I wonder if this is all a waste of time. Sometimes I look around, and I wonder why I’m still married to him when he cheated on me.”

These are valid concerns, and I don’t know many wives who don’t have them. I have theories as to why some of us don’t leave. I’ll share them below:

It’s Too Early:  Deciding to blow up life as you know it is a huge decision, and a decision such as this one doesn’t affect just you. It’s not something that most of us take lightly. So it takes time to get to the place where you can think about this as calmly and objectively as possible to make a sound decision. Also, some will try various healing methods and counseling, so it doesn’t always make sense to get a quick divorce before you give these interventions time to work.

Deep Down, You Aren’t Sure: If you were to ask me what my prevailing emotion was after my husband’s affair, I would tell you that it was unequivocally anger. Oh sure, I felt a slew of emotions – shock, sorrow, loss, etc. But my overwhelming driving factor was anger. And when I allowed that anger to take hold, my path seemed very clear. But on the rare moments where I was tired or quiet, and I allowed that anger to drop away – something very apparent began to happen. If my anger abated, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do about my marriage. When I thought of leaving or ending my marriage, I honestly felt no sense of relief. That option felt no better. So in my heart, I knew deep down that I just wasn’t sure.

You Suspect that, Whatever You Decide, Better Times May be Ahead: I would never tell you that I looked on the bright side after my husband’s affair. I most definitely didn’t. For a long time, my world became much darker. Still, somewhere in my heart, I knew my husband. I knew that overall, he was a good person. So I suspected that no matter which path I took, six months in the future had to be better than where we were. If we were divorced, I knew that my husband would try to be a good father. And if we tried to make a go of salvaging our marriage, I suspected that he would do his best – although I wasn’t sure if his best would be good enough. Still, suspecting that things might improve is a valid reason not to make rush decisions. Why potentially make things worse if you don’t need to decide immediately? I always wanted to give myself the luxury of time, if possible. But everyone is different. What worked for me may not work for you.

You’re Waiting to See What Will Happen:  I know how much you’d like to see into the future right now. I know you’d like a guarantee that everything will be resolved in a year or so – or even sooner. Unfortunately, things don’t usually work that way so that you know exactly what will happen. Often, we have to just dig in and wait and see what tomorrow brings. Because even if things look uncertain today, there’s a chance that they will look better tomorrow. If you cut ties right now, then you’d no longer give yourself a chance for a better outcome.

The Work Hasn’t Been Done:  One of the biggest reasons I hung around after my spouse cheated was that I’d always heard you should “earn your way out” of a marriage. I’d seen divorce around me, and I knew that was painful. But people I respected had told me that if you must divorce, you should do so after you’ve turned over every rock first to try to make the situation healthier. Even if you ultimately divorce, you want as healthy of a split as you can manage. So that was always my mindset, at least when I was having a good day. Before I walked away, I wanted to make sure I’d truly tried.  

You Don’t Care What People Think:  I didn’t tell too many people about my husband’s affair because I just didn’t want to explain it. But, for those I did tell, I made it clear that I didn’t want to defend any of my decisions or behaviors. No one can make judgments about this unless they’ve walked in your shoes. Recovery is hard enough without worrying about what other people think. So if you found yourself staying despite that, it’s possible that you don’t care about or want their opinion as much as you assumed.

You May Want to Give it a Chance:  Again, no one needs to make a rush decision. But I find that many wives are reluctant to walk away without at least giving things one chance. If it doesn’t work, well, you tried and you can walk away afterward.

Whether these reasons ring true or not, please don’t be too hard on yourself. No one says when or how you have to come to a decision. It is entirely up to you based on what you think is right for you – and no one else. That decision may take a while, and you may change your mind a few times. Both are completely okay since you ultimately need to do what is best for you. 

I don’t regret staying with my husband, but of course, at times I questioned that decision.  I believe it worked out because, after a while, I became relentless about healing – regardless of what happened with my marriage.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I think most people would agree that faithful spouses have every right to be furious with cheating spouses who have affairs. No matter what was going on in your life and your marriage, there’s arguably no excuse for betraying your spouse in such a way, ignoring your wedding vows, and hurting/lying to others. 

So the anger is completely understandable. But many wives find themselves going beyond the anger. They find themselves wondering just who they married and if they were wrong about what type of person their spouse is.

A wife might say, “I always thought my husband was a good person. He gives of himself and to the community. He’s always willing to give money and time to people who need it – including some in my own family. He’s always been what I thought was honest and forthcoming. He’s also very gentle. But I’ve found out that he cheated on me – and in completely malicious ways. He went and saw the other woman while he told me he was seeing his mother in the hospital. He told his mother I was ill. He took money from our accounts to give to the other woman. He told me he was volunteering during some of the times that he saw her. It’s like he used his previous goodwill to deceive me even more. He was just very sneaky, and he did this to cheat on me. To hurt me. To deceive me. To see and be with this disgusting woman we wouldn’t normally cross the street to speak with. I am starting to think that my husband was a bad person in disguise all along. And I can’t let that thought go. I just can’t. How do I get over this?”

I had similar thoughts after my own husband’s affair. And I can share what worked for me, but keep in mind that everyone is different. 

Give it Time:  I know that you’ve heard this before and may be rolling your eyes, but I promise you that the way you feel today is going to feel quite different six months from now – no matter what happens with your husband or with your marriage. The anger and shock that you are feeling now will fade somewhat. And it will fade even more if you prioritize healing.

Know That He’s Going to Show You What He’s Made of in the Days to Come: I’m going to be brutally honest. Life isn’t easy for cheating husbands trying to convince their wives to save their marriage. They know you’re furious with them. They know that you are looking for a reason to just walk away. They know that they are going to have to live with your anger and lack of trust for quite some time and possibility indefinitely if you do not heal.

So he’s going to have to stand up and make this right time and time again. And he won’t do that if he’s not genuine and honest about wanting to make this right. In other words, if he’s a bad person, you’ll likely see that during recovery. If he’s genuine, upstanding, and serious about regaining your trust, you may see that too. 

So you will be in a better position to see what type of person he is in the days to come. 

Put it in Perspective:  After you’ve given things some time to settle down, you want to try to see your husband objectively. When I decided I was going to give my husband a chance, I gave him no guarantees. But I did try to open my mind just a little. And I asked myself to try to look at his role as a husband in its totality. Because as angry as I was at my husband, I could not deny that he’d been a good one. He’d been solid, loving, supportive, and steady. Until that time, I could always count on him and he’d seen me through some very difficult times when others may have walked away. 

So while I absolutely took points away because of the affair, I had to also add points for all he’d done throughout our marriage. One bad item could not undo a lifetime of good ones.

Know That You Don’t Need to Decide Right Now: I know that your husband may want an answer from you right now, but you don’t have any timeline within which you must make up your mind. You can watch and wait. And if you try to give your husband a chance and he doesn’t come through, then you can always decide to try another way or tell your husband that you’ve changed your mind. 

Take your time in evaluating what kind of person you think he is. He is going to have ample opportunity to show you in the days ahead. You may see what each of you is made of, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing when you’re trying to decide what you want to do moving forward. 

As I alluded to, I changed my mind about who my husband actually was several times. Most of the time, I was clouded by anger. Ultimately, I decided that one bad decision could not negate the type of husband he’d been for years. And I’ve never regretted that. But I did have to work very hard to heal. You can read the rest of the story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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