Remorse Versus Shame In Affair Recovery
Many wives dealing with infidelity want their cheating husbands to feel the whole gauntlet of negative emotions – shame, embarrassment, guilt, and remorse. They want for him to be very displeased with himself and horrified by behaviors. However, once everyone begins to focus on recovery, the wife begins to wonder which of these emotions are healthier (or more desirable) in terms of preventing repeat cheating and in successfully moving on.
She might say, “for the past two months, my husband and I have done much talking and soul-searching in an attempt to recover from his affair. At first, he was very defensive and indignant. He made excuses. He tried to justify his behavior. I pushed back and insisted that he needed to take full responsibility for his actions. I stressed that his stupidity has put our family at risk. I told him that in two years we may well be divorced or even remarried to other people, simply because he would not accept that he made a huge mistake. He finally broke down and admitted that he feels deep shame and remorse. Of course, I tried to probe deeper with this. I wanted to know exactly what he was feeling and WHY he felt remorse or shame. He said that he’s basically embarrassed that he could be so stupid and he feels remorse because he desperately wishes that none of this had happened. Is this good enough? Is it better for a man to feel shame or remorse? Can I believe what he says?”
Only you can define what is “good enough.” What matters is what YOU consider sufficient to put your mind at ease so that you feel safe investing in your marriage again. Below, I’ll tell you my take on what I believe are some key differences between remorse and shame and which might be a healthier or a more efficient response.
Shame Is The Guilty Party’s Reaction To Exposure: Honestly, I most often see a cheating spouse feel shame or embarrassment when they either THINK about being caught or when they actually are caught. This is their reaction to people knowing about their mistake. They fret about people’s judgments toward them and therefore are embarrassed at their foolish behavior. They are afraid of the potential consequences – a potential loss in status, a price to pay, and people’s changing opinions on who they really are and what they really stand for. This is more of an external reaction than an internal one – which leads me to my next point.
Remorse Is The Guilty Party’s Internal Reaction. It Is A Disappointment In Themselves: I find that cheaters feel remorse when they know in their hearts that having an affair goes against their moral code. This is internal. It is a battle that they have within themselves. They can feel intense guilt even when they are not at risk of being caught. They know that they are better than this and that cheating on someone they love goes against all that they stand for. Much of the time, they cannot believe that they have behaved in this way and they are very disappointed in themselves. They wonder if they are truly the person who they believed themselves to be. They are fully aware that they have made (or are making) a mistake. And although they may try to feign indignance or justification for their actions, deep down, they know that there is really no valid reason for cheating. They KNOW, without any doubt, that they are at fault. They may try to make their spouse believe otherwise. But they know that this is all on them.
So Which Is Better?: I believe that although both remorse and shame will make a person think twice about cheating again, remorse can be a bigger deterrent. People who only feel shame may simply try to cover their tracks better the next time. If they can keep from being caught, they may not have to feel shame again.
In contrast, the husband who feels genuine remorse will know that he will have the same negative emotions the second he cheats again. This will be true whether he is caught or not because HE will know that he has done and HE will know that once again, he has gone against his moral compass. Once again, he has let down his family, those he loves, and even worse, himself. This negative type of self-awareness stays with you, even when you aren’t thinking about the reactions of others. That is why I think that remorse is more persuasive than shame
Why Labeling Isn’t the Most Helpful Course Of Action: Honestly, any thought that the affair was a mistake or a wish to take it back is a positive thing. Frankly, there are some husbands who will NEVER admit that they regret the affair. They keep right on defending themselves no matter what. Also, it often takes some time (and many honest conversations) for a husband to understand the depth of the damage that he has caused. This will sometimes intensify his remorse and shame. Both can be very negative and painful emotions that he wants to avoid in the future. So both can be effective deterrents to a future affair.
I would not worry so much about how your husband is labeling his feelings. Whether he is calling it guilt, remorse, shame, or embarrassment, he is basically telling you that he wishes he’d never have an affair and that he knows that it was a mistake. This is an important start and it’s nice to hear this. But what is more important are his actions going forward. Is he willing to stop any risky behaviors? Is he willing to work with you to strengthen and heal your marriage? Is he willing to be accountable and to give you what you need to move forward? A man can use all types of words to express his regret. But what he actually DOES about that regret is the most important thing. Changing his behaviors is much more important than his choice of words.
While it is encouraging to hear him label and discuss his regret, he needs to further than this for both of your sakes. The good news is that shame and regret can be the driving force that he needs to go even further. I was actually very happy that my husband was overwhelmed with guilt. I didn’t feel sorry for him. However, guilt only took us so far. We needed a workable and effective plan to actually recover. You can read more about how we compromised to find the plan that worked for us at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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