After An Affair Can Your Marriage Ever Feel Special Again?
By: Katie Lersch: Restoring intimacy is one of the biggest concerns that wives have during affair recovery. Many worry that their marriage will never feel special or particularly bonded again. How could it when a spouse has thrown it all away over someone he barely knew?
A wife in this situation might say, “I have not yet decided what I want to do after my husband’s affair. In a perfect world, I would try to save my marriage. But I honestly wonder if that same marriage will ever be the same. I used to take a great deal of pride because my marriage felt ‘special.’ I’ve known my husband for most of my life. He was in the military and stationed overseas. We spent apart the early years of our marriage apart and we wrote so many intimate letters. When I read those letters today, my face gets hot. The couple in the letters seem like strangers. My husband and I never took one another granted because of this. We got to know one another so deeply through the written word. We have stuck together through some very hard times. We can finish one another’s sentences. I confide in my husband more than my parents or girlfriends. I felt that we had a deep, spiritual connection you don’t see every day. But he ruined that. He cheated and he lied when I caught him. He lied to cover it up. I wonder if he is still lying. I know that it would take much time and effort to get my marriage back. But would it be worth the effort if it was never the same marriage anyway? I don’t want dead marriages like some of my girlfriends. If this is what I have to accept, then I’d rather not bother. Is it possible for your marriage ever to feel special again after an affair?”
I can’t lie to you. It is possible. But it is difficult. If I’m being honest with myself, there are days when I feel like my husband, and my marriage, is very special. I feel deeply bonded to him. We do finish each other’s sentences. And sometimes, I actually feel that the affair had some benefits. I wouldn’t repeat it, though. I wish it had never happened. But it made our marriage stronger and it means that we are hyper-vigilant about checking in with one another. That said, there are occasionally bad days where I don’t feel all that special at all. But again, just being honest here, I had those days BEFORE the affair. This is just part of life. Marriages have ebbs and flows. Mine is still this way, but I’m still grateful to be in it. Here are tips that helped us to restore the “special” feeling or intimacy.
Hole Up: I know that some of us vow not to allow the affair disrupt our lives any more than it necessary. I know that it is tempting to pretend that nothing is wrong and to go with the status quo. But I found it helpful to be private about (and protective of) my marriage when I was in recovery. We stayed home. We wrapped a cocoon around ourselves. We spent many, many nights just sitting side by side. Eventually, we spent many nights talking. Once that started, it was like a dam burst and we couldn’t stop. Early in the process, I had no idea if I would stay married, but it was reassuring to know we could still talk. I considered communication a strength of our marriage and I was glad that didn’t just vanish.
Navigate A New Normal: You can not expect things to feel “normal” right away. In fact, it can take far longer than you wish. But that doesn’t mean you can’t plow forward anyway. Things may feel different. Things may feel wrong. There will likely be pain and confusion. Take it one day at a time. You will stumble some before you find your footing. You may have to accept awkward togetherness for a while. In time, though, you will see slight improvement and, very gradually, you will have a new normal. This is when you can start to let down your guard just a bit. And eventually, the intimacy can be rebuild once th vulnerability begins.
Slow And Steady: Let’s be honest. One aspect of a “special” marriage is time and familiarity. You know your husband better than anyone because you have known him for a long, long time. You’re very close because you’ve stood by one another in difficult times. This history is well-earned. Now, you are sort of starting over and resetting your marriage. So you will have to re-create a new chapter history. The affair doesn’t negate your past. Your husband’s positive history with you won’t be erased. But post-affair, you will begin to build new memories. Try very hard to make good ones. It’s easy to associate pain with the recovery. This is normal, but it’s helpful to also try to create positive memories. Even if you don’t know what tomorrow may bring, take the trip you’ve been putting off. Say what you really mean. And then just know that the rest will take some time.
We all want quick and easy “fixes.” As much as I would like for this to be the answer, it isn’t. You want to try and have an open mind and a wait-and-see attitude. You remember that this is the man who has stood by your side through thick and thin. And then you hold hands, do your very best, and see what happens. Some days, things may feel better. Other days may be a struggle. But you show up because that “special” marriage you have is valuable enough that you suspect you want to fight for it.
And yes, you can have it. But it may take time and massive amounts of patience and determination. And you may have good and bad days even after recovery. I still consider my marriage special because we are both still here and we both still want to be. You can read more about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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