Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who don’t buy for a second that their unfaithful husband regrets having an affair. Sure, some of these husbands half-heartedly claim that they are sorry or have regret. But their actions usually say something else. And some of the husbands don’t even make these sorts of claims. They just decide that they’ll either be forgiven, or they won’t. And they posture that they’ll accept either reality.

Understandably, many wives are incredulous. Because many of them suspect that if they had been the spouse who was cheating, they’d have to apologize endlessly and in vain. One of them might ask, “does a husband even have regrets about cheating? If so, why? Because as best as I can tell, there’s no real need for him to do so – other than to just try to make me feel better or to not come down so hard on him. But he knows I won’t leave him. He knows I’d never do that to our kids. So he knows that I am stuck here. Basically, he gets to do exactly what he wants – galavant with another woman but have his family too. He says the affair is over, and he’s possibly being honest about that. But even still, he’ll suffer no real repercussions. I am the one who is going to feel deep, painful emotions. But he won’t. So if husbands actually do feel regret, please, tell me why.”

I have talked to many men in this situation (including my own husband.) I hear them say the same things over and over again. I believe that most of them are sincere. I’m not their wife (in almost all cases.) They have no reason to lie. So unless they’re lying to themselves, there is no reason for them to pretend to have regret that they don’t actually feel. Here are some common reasons that they give for feeling regret.

They Know That They Are Better Than This: I believe that committing a marital betrayal as large as an affair leaves a mar on your soul. You know that you stood up in front of the people you care about and promised to cherish this person, and yet you’ve betrayed them in the worst possible way. Sure, you can pretend that you don’t really care. But anyone with even some integrity would have to feel at least something. You know that you could most certainly do much better. And you know that your wife and family deserve better, which leads me to my next point.

They Know That They’re Going To Damage Their Family: Men who cheat know that there is no way that their wife, their kids, and anyone else who finds out about the affair are ever going to see them in exactly the same way. Yes, with work, and with time, you can begin to heal. But the impression that your loved ones have of you before they find out about the affair and after they find out about the affair are very different. Their perceptions will change because the facts have changed dramatically. This doesn’t mean that you can’t eventually regain what you’ve lost. But it’s naive to think that people won’t see you differently. They may be disappointed. Some will wonder if they ever really knew you at all or can trust you again. I’ve even seen people so angry that they cut the unfaithful person out of their lives – at least until healing begins.

Being a known cheater can also change your status and respect level in your household. You can’t tell your kids to be honest and not to cheat when those kids know that you’ve done exactly that.

They Know That Their Marriage – And Their Spouse’s Treatment of Them – Is Altered: In the same way that people will no longer see the unfaithful spouse as the same, their spouse typically will not treat them – or the marriage – the same. The dynamics are off and lopsided. Your spouse may no longer feel that they have to respect the culture of your marriage anymore when you’ve willingly turned things upside down. You may find yourself temporarily a second-class citizen in your own marriage. I often have people ask me if they’re going to be punished and mistrusted for the rest of their married life. It can feel that way – at least at first.

They Usually Eventually Know That The Affair And The Affair Partner Is Not What They Thought: Whether people who cheat want to believe it or not, they typically risk a great deal to be with the other person. They’re literally sometimes putting their family and their status in the community on the line. And it’s very common for them to eventually see that the risk wasn’t even close to being worth it. Usually, after a very short period of time, the affair relationship begins to deteriorate. Many people who have affairs go into it not knowing the other person very well. So it’s no surprise that eventually, the relationship will fail. Or the affair partner will begin to apply pressure for the husband to leave his wife and family, and he will balk. And this, too, will cause affair relationship failure.

These are just a few of the reasons that men end up deeply regretting having an affair. Even if they know that their wife probably won’t leave them, they’ve still completely changed the way that the people closest to them view them. They’ve also typically caused very hurtful and problematic damage to their relationship, and they’ve deeply hurt the person closest to them – their wife. If they are being honest, they’re typically every bit as upset with themselves as the people around them. And they’re often left with a “relationship” that didn’t even last. They may even feel silly or embarrassed. So yes, they do feel regret because they’re often left with nothing but damage and bitter disappointment. Who wouldn’t regret all of that?

I do believe my husband felt genuine regret after his affair. And he should have felt that.  Because his actions were extremely damaging.  You can read the whole story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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