Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Picking up the pieces after infidelity is difficult, no matter the circumstances. However, when you have a spouse who is showing no remorse or regret for his actions, it is arguably much more difficult to move forward. After all, there are many obstacles that couples must overcome – restoring the trust, maintaining a level of commitment, and forging a new sense of determination and confidence. All of these are going to be nearly impossible if your spouse doesn’t exhibit desirable – and necessary – signs of responsibility.

A wife might say, “I am sorry to say that my husband has not exhibited any signs of shame, empathy, or remorse for his affair. And that is deplorable. Having an affair is a horrible act, but, even worse, my husband cheated with a woman that I knew well and was somewhat close with. They both betrayed my trust. And my husband took advantage of my trust in both of them to carry out his shameful behavior. Unfortunately, rather than seeing this act of betrayal for what it was, he’s somewhat nonchalant about it. His response to me is that he is certainly not the first man to cheat and that he will not be the last. The only real thing that I can get him to concede to is that he is sorry that he hurt me. But he will not say that he is sorry that he did it. And when I’ve told mutual friends about it, he just sort of shrugs his shoulders, as if he doesn’t care who knows. He’s not particularly embarrassed or ashamed. When I get upset, he doesn’t act as if it affects him in the least. He’s very matter-of-fact about it. His attitude makes me very angry, but I’m also very worried. It seems to me as if our marriage doesn’t stand a chance. What does his attitude indicate?”

This is only my opinion, but it most definitely indicates that there is a lot more work that needs to be done before you are set on the path the healing. Here is why.

The Fall Out From A Husband’s Lack Of An Appropriate Response After An Affair: It may already be fairly obvious, but a man who won’t take responsibility and indicate remorse for his actions is a man who is refusing to meet you halfway on a problem that is entirely of his own making.

Understandably, you are angry, distrustful, and in pain. Part of beginning to pivot from these feelings is seeing that he is willing to take you by the hand and walk with you on the path toward recovery. To be clear, this is not an easy path.

Even with a completely remorseful and apologetic spouse, you can still be plagued with doubts and fears. You will need patience as you work through each obstacle one by one. This requires diligence, determination, and patience. But the path is even harder when you have a spouse that isn’t willing to walk with you or reassure you when you hit roadblocks. It can feel as if you’re completely alone and being asked to just blindly trust when he isn’t even willing to step up. You are not being unreasonable to want to see these behaviors before you put any trust in him.

Also very importantly, a man who doesn’t feel guilt, shame, and remorse is going to be more likely to repeat the behavior. If he doesn’t feel the pain or consequences of his actions, what is to keep him from doing it again?

Things To Try To Ellicit More Remorse, Empathy, Guilt, And Shame From A Cheating Husband: Sometimes, husbands actually do feel some shame and remorse, but they don’t freely show it because they don’t want to appear vulnerable and they are afraid that you will pile on if they show any signs of “weakness.”

Sometimes they act this way as a sort of preemptive measure. They take a hard line so that you don’t expect too much from them.

It is up to you to communicate that this stance isn’t going to be acceptable to you. The next time he makes a flippant statement that diminishes his actions, you might try to a response like, “it’s very upsetting to hear you say this. I don’t see how we can move forward until you take more responsibility for the fallout of your actions. You showed no respect for our marriage vows or empathy for me. I’m not saying that it is impossible for us to recover, but it’s going to be very difficult if you won’t even acknowledge the disastrous decisions that you have made and you deny any guilt or remorse. Ideally, I would like to one day trust you again. But when you refuse to acknowledge the pain you have caused, trust is hard to come by. I can’t go all-in in the healing process until I see these behaviors. How and when we move forward has got to be up to you.”

He may not give you the desired reaction immediately, but as he begins to see that he is not going to enjoy all of the benefits of a loving, reciprocal marriage, he may change his tune. And when he sees that you are going to demand more from him, he may realize that he will need to drop his damaging stance.

I can tell you with certainty that it is important to ask for what you want and for what you deserve. Unless you ask for it, you may not get it. And you deserve to fully heal. None of this was your fault. I can also tell you that this is a hard road that you should not have to take alone. And it is not too much to ask for the person who is at fault – your husband – to step up and acknowledge the mistake he has made and his responsibility for helping to make it right.

Make sure he understands that you expect it and will wait until you get it. As I alluded to, I too had to prioritize my healing.  And I had to be very clear about what I needed from my husband.  You are welcome to read about our recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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