Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s not unusual to have to endure a change in living arrangements after the discovery of a marital affair – at least temporarily. Often, emotions and anger run very high, and it’s just not healthy for the couple to be in close quarters during the aftermath of discovery. Sometimes, this is a way to allow things to calm down before someone says or does something that they will regret. Some spouses go and stay with family and friends for a night or two, without any real intention of making the new living arrangements permanent.

Most commonly, the spouse who cheated is the one to leave. But, there can be exceptions. Some wives are shocked and absolutely furious when their cheating spouse suggests that they should leave the home. Needless to say, this suggestion only adds to the pain and anger of these wives. And they find themselves asking why they should leave when they aren’t the one who cheated.

Here’s an example. A husband may become quite defensive at his wife’s anger and suggest that she leave the home until she can communicate without such bitterness. A wife might explain, “I’m not going to pretend that I’m being anything but hateful to my husband after his affair. But he deserves my wrath. He lied and has been cheating with a deplorable woman who isn’t even fit to interact with us, much less to insert herself into our lives. I have never been betrayed in this way. And he has lied to my face and to my children’s face. So yes, I am furious at him. And he acts as if I have no right to my anger. He told me if being under the same roof is so offensive to me, I should leave. He said he can’t make any promises to me about our marriage anyway, so I should just pack my bags and go. To be clear, I don’t want to leave my home – and not necessarily because I want to live with him. I have no idea how I feel about this. But I feel that he should be the one to leave. He is the one who cheated. It is unfair for my kids and myself to uproot because of his mistakes. Granted, he owned this house when we married. But I have helped to make payments on it for years. In fact, I make more money than he does, so I pay more toward the mortgage than him. I think that he should go.”

Why He May Be Taking This Stance: I tend to agree with you, but my opinion doesn’t really help you right now. My husband was gracious enough to be one to leave because he was the one who cheated. And he was astute enough to realize that he needed to make my life easier if he had any chance of remaining in my life.

But, not all men take this cooperative stance, not by a long shot. Some will posture by trying to play hardball. They hope that by taking this harsh stance, you will have to back away from your anger in order to get any peaceful interaction with them.

Formulating A Reply: It is really up to you as to whether you intend to back off some or stand your ground. And no one can make that decision for you. If you are at all interested in maintaining your marriage or keeping some sort of united front with your children, then you will eventually need to be able to communicate with him. However, it is understandable that this just isn’t possible right now.

I can’t offer any information about the legalities of who has what type of rights to the home. I think that it is better to try to work it out amongst yourself anyway if this is possible.

A suggestion might be a response something like, “I agree that it is difficult to be in close proximity right now. But I disagree that I should be the one to leave. Do you really want your kids to be put out of their home because of something you did? If you do not want to leave, then we can either agree to take a few days without interacting with each other by staying in separate parts of the house, or we can both go to separate hotels so that we both leave for a few days. I also agree that we are in no position to foretell the future right now. Neither of us knows how we are going to feel or what we will want two weeks from now. It is probably best to take some time to allow things to calm down. Me having to take the kids and leave my home only makes this process worse. I am willing to keep my distance. But I am not willing to leave. Can we agree to terms that will work for us both? I’m not asking for anything other than an agreement about living arrangements in the coming days. But I don’t think it’s fair to basically kick the kids out of the house because of their parents’ marital issues.”

I can’t make any predictions or promises, but I feel like most reasonable people will agree to this. It is unfair to ask you to take on a compromised position because he cheated. And I hate to say that the strategy you take early on will be the one that you are always going to be stuck with, because this isn’t necessarily true. But if you allow him to call the shots this early, you may be playing catch up in the future.

Eventually, the goal down the road is to be somewhat cordial, no matter what happens with your marriage. You don’t want to have to carry this bitterness with you for the rest of your life. But for today, you certainly have a right to have a conversation about having to leave your home.

I promise it can get better. Life in our home was very explosive following the discovery of the affair. However, gradually, and over time, we were able to rebuild. It took determination and much patience, but we did it. You’re welcome to read about how we recovered at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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