Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I’m not going to pretend that any wife who is dealing with an unfaithful husband has an easy time of it. No matter the circumstances, dealing with a cheating husband is a cruel heartache. There is rarely an obvious bright side. That said, wives who deal with husbands who’ve actually moved out to be with the other woman seem to have been dealt a double blow – the infidelity and the abandonment. Not only does she have to grapple with the fact that her husband has cheated, but now he believes that he’s invested enough to leave his home – and his married life – for the other woman.

Although this scenario leaves many wives reeling, their reactions differ greatly. Some wives literally say good riddance and figure that they are better off without a man who would treat anyone this way. Other wives aren’t sure how they feel and need more time to process all that has happened. And there is another subset of wives who, above everything else, just want him to come him. They figure that they can sort through the cheating once they get him home. These wives know that this desire is confusing to some, but they can’t help how they feel.

One of them might say, “I’m embarrassed and a little ashamed. But I can’t help it. I found out two weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for months. He left no clues. I didn’t suspect or catch him. I know because he told me. And he told me because he intended to move out the next day to be with the other woman. He pretty much just announced it in a very detached way to make it clear that there was no way that I was changing his mind or making him feel guilty. He basically said that he was very sorry, but there was no denying that he wanted to be with the other woman. I am stunned, of course. But I am also devastated. I have built my life around this man. I can honestly say that I am a good wife. And my husband even admits this. But he says he can’t help who he wants to be with. The only information that I have about the other woman is the little that I’ve been able to gather from social media. She is younger, but she’s no beauty. She’s not particularly successful. And I suspect that she’s not particularly bright. So I don’t see the draw, and I’m wondering what I can do to get him away from her and bring him home? What steps can I take?”

I will tell you my honest opinion, but I have to admit that my own husband did not leave or continue on with the affair. Still, I believe that there are universal truths that all incidences of infidelity share. Here are some things to keep in mind first:

You Can’t “Make” Your Husband Do Anything When He’s Not Thinking Or Acting Like Himself: You’ve probably already seen this with your own eyes, but husbands who are under the spell of an affair are not themselves. You can’t reason with them. You can’t shame or guilt them. Because they have already cleared whatever emotional or intellectual hurdles they needed to clear to allow them to justify their cheating. Any inner turmoil has been worked through, or they wouldn’t be moving out.

Once you accept this, your strategy will need to change, as follows.

You Can Sometimes Change The Way He Thinks About You: This is a hard truth to face, but it’s important to face it. For whatever reason, your husband has decided that he would rather be with her. This means that, at least for right now, with whatever flawed thinking he is using, he thinks that her company and companionship are preferable to yours.

Now, with any luck at all, your husband will eventually begin to think rationally again. But until then, you can help yourself by being REALLY honest. If you could hear his thoughts, what would his criticisms of you and your marriage be?

Are ANY of them valid? Again, you’ll help your cause if you can be honest with yourself. For example, I had to admit that I’d just gotten too comfortable and complacent. This way of life was pleasing to me, but it was obviously not pleasing to my husband.

So I did adjust so that I became more open to new things, more outgoing, and less judgmental and closed-off. I did this even knowing that my marriage might not work because I didn’t want to take these attributes into my next relationship. I didn’t want these flaws to keep me from living my best life, regardless of what happened with my marriage. (Although it did survive and recover.)

Anything you can do (in a natural and convincing way) to show your husband that his assumptions about you may be wrong can be helpful.

Allow Him To Change The Way He Feels About Her: You may have already realized that the more you try to point out her shortcomings, the more your husband will defend and cling to her. Don’t give him that opportunity. Consider biding your time and allow the relationship to die a natural death. The truth is, statistics show that it’s rare for an affair relationship to last or to thrive. Yes, there are some exceptions. But for the most part, once their relationship is no longer hidden, it will become more of a regular, everyday relationship. Eventually, she will start to make demands. Eventually, it won’t be new and exciting anymore. And hopefully, eventually, he will realize just what he gave up for something that wasn’t so special after all.

When this happens, he may be embarrassed and ashamed so he aware of that. He is less likely to come home if he knows you’re going to rub salt into his wounds.

Focus On Strong, Open Communication Rather Than On Him Coming Back Home: If he knows that your only goal is to get him home, then he’s going to know that most of what you say is based on your agenda. You are much better off just trying to maintain some form of decent and open communication, with the attitude that you don’t know what the future holds, that you intend to see what happens and that you’re just trying to make the best of this for all involved.

Quite frankly, if you act as if you’re only concerned about getting him home rather than making any real changes or improvements, how enthusiastic will either of you be moving forward? It’s very important to create an improved relationship if you truly want any reconciliation to work.

You want for him to wonder what he could have possibly have been thinking to cheat on a wife like you. And it’s easier for him to do that if you approach this with respect for yourself and a desire to improve this situation for BOTH of you. The story of how I attempted (and partly succeeded) in doing this is at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin