Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I’ve heard a lot of questions from wives dealing with cheating husbands. But one of the more common ones is some variation of “Why am I still married to a man who cheated?” The wife usually says this as if she has something to explain or apologize for. It generally sounds something like this:

“My husband cheated on me, and it was bad. She was very young, and I was almost blindsided because he lied to me so much and then gaslit me when I suspected him. He practically told me I was crazy until I virtually caught him red-handed. Now he still acts as if I’ve done something wrong when he’s the one who cheated. Sure, he is now trying to make it up to me, but I feel like it may well be too little too late. I always saw friends going through this in their marriages, and I’d wonder why the wife stayed. Now I’m starting to wonder this about myself. Yes, there is still counseling to do, and I know I have to heal. But sometimes I wonder if this is all a waste of time. Sometimes I look around, and I wonder why I’m still married to him when he cheated on me.”

These are valid concerns, and I don’t know many wives who don’t have them. I have theories as to why some of us don’t leave. I’ll share them below:

It’s Too Early:  Deciding to blow up life as you know it is a huge decision, and a decision such as this one doesn’t affect just you. It’s not something that most of us take lightly. So it takes time to get to the place where you can think about this as calmly and objectively as possible to make a sound decision. Also, some will try various healing methods and counseling, so it doesn’t always make sense to get a quick divorce before you give these interventions time to work.

Deep Down, You Aren’t Sure: If you were to ask me what my prevailing emotion was after my husband’s affair, I would tell you that it was unequivocally anger. Oh sure, I felt a slew of emotions – shock, sorrow, loss, etc. But my overwhelming driving factor was anger. And when I allowed that anger to take hold, my path seemed very clear. But on the rare moments where I was tired or quiet, and I allowed that anger to drop away – something very apparent began to happen. If my anger abated, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do about my marriage. When I thought of leaving or ending my marriage, I honestly felt no sense of relief. That option felt no better. So in my heart, I knew deep down that I just wasn’t sure.

You Suspect that, Whatever You Decide, Better Times May be Ahead: I would never tell you that I looked on the bright side after my husband’s affair. I most definitely didn’t. For a long time, my world became much darker. Still, somewhere in my heart, I knew my husband. I knew that overall, he was a good person. So I suspected that no matter which path I took, six months in the future had to be better than where we were. If we were divorced, I knew that my husband would try to be a good father. And if we tried to make a go of salvaging our marriage, I suspected that he would do his best – although I wasn’t sure if his best would be good enough. Still, suspecting that things might improve is a valid reason not to make rush decisions. Why potentially make things worse if you don’t need to decide immediately? I always wanted to give myself the luxury of time, if possible. But everyone is different. What worked for me may not work for you.

You’re Waiting to See What Will Happen:  I know how much you’d like to see into the future right now. I know you’d like a guarantee that everything will be resolved in a year or so – or even sooner. Unfortunately, things don’t usually work that way so that you know exactly what will happen. Often, we have to just dig in and wait and see what tomorrow brings. Because even if things look uncertain today, there’s a chance that they will look better tomorrow. If you cut ties right now, then you’d no longer give yourself a chance for a better outcome.

The Work Hasn’t Been Done:  One of the biggest reasons I hung around after my spouse cheated was that I’d always heard you should “earn your way out” of a marriage. I’d seen divorce around me, and I knew that was painful. But people I respected had told me that if you must divorce, you should do so after you’ve turned over every rock first to try to make the situation healthier. Even if you ultimately divorce, you want as healthy of a split as you can manage. So that was always my mindset, at least when I was having a good day. Before I walked away, I wanted to make sure I’d truly tried.  

You Don’t Care What People Think:  I didn’t tell too many people about my husband’s affair because I just didn’t want to explain it. But, for those I did tell, I made it clear that I didn’t want to defend any of my decisions or behaviors. No one can make judgments about this unless they’ve walked in your shoes. Recovery is hard enough without worrying about what other people think. So if you found yourself staying despite that, it’s possible that you don’t care about or want their opinion as much as you assumed.

You May Want to Give it a Chance:  Again, no one needs to make a rush decision. But I find that many wives are reluctant to walk away without at least giving things one chance. If it doesn’t work, well, you tried and you can walk away afterward.

Whether these reasons ring true or not, please don’t be too hard on yourself. No one says when or how you have to come to a decision. It is entirely up to you based on what you think is right for you – and no one else. That decision may take a while, and you may change your mind a few times. Both are completely okay since you ultimately need to do what is best for you. 

I don’t regret staying with my husband, but of course, at times I questioned that decision.  I believe it worked out because, after a while, I became relentless about healing – regardless of what happened with my marriage.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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