Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One of the top complaints from wives after a husband’s affair is an inability to move on. Even if you are typically stoic and practical, it can be normal to ruminate over a spouse’s affair for much longer than you intend to. Even worse, it can seem that the spouse who did the cheating seemingly moves on almost immediately. This can leave the faithful spouse wondering if she did (or is doing) something wrong.

She might say, “It has been four months since I caught my husband cheating on me. It hurts as much today as it did then. I am no closer to letting it go than I was on that first day. My husband has apologized and has reassured me that he wants our marriage. Despite my chilliness toward him, he is still in our home and still hanging on. But, he is not suffering in the way that I am. When I caught him cheating, he immediately broke off the affair. He didn’t debate this at all. He basically cut her right out his life. He has tried to be attentive and loving but I often rebuke him because I am still angry. I still have questions and still ask for explanations. He tries to be patient but I know that he is getting frustrated. Still, he is not living in the past in the way that I am. He physically and emotionally left the affair behind on the day he broke it off. But I am still in the past and I don’t understand why. He is the one who was living a life outside of our marriage and he just packed that all away in the blink of an eye. I was not intimately involved in it and yet, I can not let it go. Why does a husband move on more quickly? What can I do to move on as he has?”

I know exactly how you feel. It took me quite a while to “get over” or to “move on” from my husband’s affair when he would have been content to turn the corner immediately. I have pondered and researched this difference for some time. Below, I’ll explain why I believe a husband can move on more quickly.

It Is In His Best Interest To Minimize The Agony: Think about it. With almost any unpleasant topic, task, or thought, it is human nature to want to get anything unpleasant over with as quickly as possible. That is why most of us try to get our most difficult tasks out of the way in the morning so that we do not experience dread all day long. Your husband knows that if he focuses on his behavior and on his mistakes, he will only feel worse about himself. He knows that the longer this goes on, the more he faces your anger, your pain, and your wrath so of course, he wants to move along as soon as he can.

Dwelling Would Force Him To Examine His Faults: If your husband thought long and hard about why he cheated, he would have to do a deep self-examination. Such an examination might be painful and might also reveal that he was weak-minded, had poor impulse control, and betrayed the person he loves the most. It would take a very strong and determined person to endure such a deep-dive. You are already mad at him and are pointing out his faults. So he is responding with self-preservation. He doesn’t want to pile on as it is just human nature to try to retain some self-esteem.

The Affair (And The Other Woman) May Not Have Meant All That Much: Sometimes when a husband claims that the affair meant nothing, he is being truthful. He may not have been all that emotionally invested in the affair. So once it is over, what is the point of hanging on? It may be very clear to him that your marriage is the relationship he wants to invest his time and his emotions in. So, he is doing just that. In his mind, there is no point in going back there because it is over. So he is living in the present because that is where his future lies.

He Is Trying To Help You Move On: Often, a spouse will try to move you along with their own attitude. He is hoping that you will mirror his own stance. By demonstrating a move forward, he is hoping that you will do the same.

Examining Your Own Contributing Factors: When I was grappling with this same issue, I realized that my frustration was more about my own inability to move on than about my husband’s ability to do so. If I was being honest with myself, I had to admit that I didn’t want my husband living in the past. I didn’t want him continuing to think about the other woman. But I was frustrated that I was still doing so.

In light of this, I figured that the best course of action was not to focus on my husband, but on getting myself in the present and in the future. So I asked myself what I needed that I wasn’t getting. My husband had already given me all of the information that I’d asked for and yet I kept asking. My husband had reassured me endlessly and yet I was still demanding the same. This realization propelled me to begin working on my own self-esteem and confidence. I realized that part of my inability to move on was due to fear. I worried that he would cheat again or that I was not good enough to hold and keep him. Addressing my self-esteem did increase my ability to move forward.

Ask yourself what you need that you aren’t getting. Sometimes, our inability to move forward is more about ourselves and about our own doubts. If this is the case, no one can give you what you need except for you. Not even your husband.

But if there are still things that you need from husband, you may have to ask him. Make every effort to get everything that you truly need. Without this, you might still struggle as you attempt to move forward.  I had to spell many things out for my own husband.  You can read exactly what here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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