Why Isn’t My Husband Fighting For Me After His Affair?
Many wives who catch their husband cheating assume that he is going to panic. After all, he has been caught in a deplorable act. And he very likely has an awful lot to lose, such as his marriage, his image, and his finances. So it’s a reasonable assumption that a man in this position will immediately scramble to fight for his wife and for his marriage. But what if he doesn’t? Does this say anything about him, about his feelings for his wife, or about his attitude toward his marriage?
A wife might explain a situation like this, “I feel like an idiot, but I did not even suspect my husband of cheating. I thought we’d been having a wonderful year. I wasn’t trying to catch him, but unfortunately, I did. Immediately afterward, he asked for assurances that I wasn’t going anywhere. I promised that I would not make an immediate decision, but I insisted that I could not make any long term promises. I explained that I needed to evaluate the depth of his deception, his feelings for the other woman, and the state of our marriage. I thought I made it pretty clear that I needed to see him take the initiative so that I would want to stay in our marriage. But he hasn’t done a thing. Sure, he tiptoes around the house. He tries to be kind to me. But that’s about it. He mentioned counseling initially but he hasn’t taken any steps to find a counselor. He’s not overly affectionate to me. When I ask him if he still loves me or wants our marriage, he says yes. But he is not acting like a man who is desperate to keep his wife. When my friend caught her husband cheating, he could not do enough for her. He was desperate to win her back. My husband isn’t acting the same way. I don’t see him fighting for me and I can’t understand why. He says he wants our life together. He hasn’t left. But his behavior doesn’t match his claims. Why isn’t he fighting for me?”
I completely understand why you want to see some strong emotions from your husband. It would be nice to see him express some passion in his fight to keep you, since you may be imagining that he also expressed passion toward her. At least this is how I felt after my own husband’s affair. However, he may feel reluctant to show his feelings right now. And this may not have anything to do with his stance toward you or your marriage. Below, I will list some common reasons why men hang back rather than fighting for their wife or their marriage after an affair.
He’s Afraid Of Rejection: Your husband knows that he made a grave mistake. He sees the pain in your eyes and the anger in your posture. He knows that he disappointed you. So it’s somewhat understandable if he is reluctant to make a huge display of desperation or pursuit. He knows that you’d be justified in rejecting him. And he may not feel up for that right now.
He’s Waiting For A Hint About Whether You Want Him To Pursue You: Understandably, you promised your husband that you wouldn’t leave immediately, but your future is still in the air. Therefore, he may be unsure of your feelings for him. He may worry that you want a separation or divorce. And if that is the case, what would be the point of chasing you? So, he may be waiting for more information from you before he takes any action.
He Could Be Waiting For Your Anger To Fade: It is human nature to want to protect ourselves against harm or pain. Your husband may be planning to let a little time pass before he makes any moves. That way, things may calm down some and you may be a little less angry and a bit more receptive.
He May Feel Undeserving: I’ve dialogued with husbands in this situation and many of them feel unworthy of their wife’s acceptance and affection. He may want to fight for you, but he doesn’t feel that he has the right. He may believe that the most respectful and kind thing to do for you is to wait for you to decide how you want to move forward. After that, only if you give you him the green light will he then chase you. Many men worry about looking like a handsy creep when he tries to put the moves on his wife after he has been with another woman.
How To Approach Him If You Want Him To Fight For You: In light of the above, if you still want to see him show strong emotions or fight for you, then you may need to give him a nudge. Or you may want to have a direct conversation. The next time you ask him if he is still invested in the marriage and he says yes, try a response like, “well, your behavior doesn’t mesh with this. You haven’t taken any initiative about counseling. You don’t make any attempts to show you me real affection. My perception is that you aren’t acting like a man who is pursuing his marriage and his wife. Am I reading you wrong? Because this is how it feels to me.”
His response should give you important information. He may tell you that he’s wanted to pursue you more vigorously, but he was reluctant because of fear or unworthiness. Or he may tell you something completely different. Remain calm and listen very carefully to what he has to say. Then, if you want to encourage him to be more affectionate and forthcoming, say so. Tell him that affection and pursuit would make you feel more reassured about his commitment to you, even after the affair.
Unfortunately, sometimes if we want or need for our husband to provide something that will help in healing, we have to spell it out. I had to do this plenty of times with my own husband. But it was worth it because I eventually got what I needed and we are still married today. You can read the whole story at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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