Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I believe that the percentage of wives who feel that their husband has offered full disclosure about his affair is minuscule. Even if a wife believes that her husband is mostly trying to be honest, she may still suspect that he is holding something back. And these are the lucky wives because they have husbands who are trying at honesty. Many other wives have husbands who are very obviously trying to keep important information to themselves. The wives try various strategies to get their husbands to be more forthcoming, with limited success. Needless to say, many wives assume the worst about this behavior.

You might hear one of them say, “I can’t tell you how hard I had to work to get my husband to finally admit to an affair. I found so many things, but it wasn’t until I found undisputed evidence that he could no longer deny that he finally admitted to an actual affair. However, he makes every effort to downplay everything he can. He will only say that the affair was very short, meant nothing, and is now over. He claims that I don’t know the other woman. He’s told me her name and some very basic information about her. But if I push for very specific details about where and how they met, what they did, and how deep this went, he suddenly clams up. He’ll try to change the subject. He’ll tell me that it’s not important. I have told him that I need him to be more transparent. And he will act as if he’s listening, but he’ll never really come out with the information that I want. What is he trying to hide? It must be something major, because why else would he refuse to answer my questions or give me vital information? I feel fairly confident that he is no longer cheating. We are together all of the time. I don’t know when he’d have time to cheat, and I’m watching him like a hawk. But I don’t completely understand his lack of transparency.”

You know your husband better than I do, but I can certainly give you some theories based on my own experience with this situation and from hearing from any others. This is only speculation on my part. Obviously, I don’t know the circumstances or the people involved, but hopefully, these possibilities will give you a starting point.

He Doesn’t Want To Increase Your Pain And Anger: Think about it. Considering the information that you are asking for, what answers would actually be beneficial for your husband’s cause or reassuring for you? In all honesty, there are probably very few. No matter how gently he tries to give you the facts, you’re likely going to be hurt. So he may fear that no matter what he says, it’s only digging him into a deeper hole.

And these painful facts are his fault, so there is certainly self-preservation at play as well.

He’s Potentially Embarrassed And Ashamed: I know that this isn’t about you. It’s about him. But to understand his mindset, think for a second about an embarrassing, regretful decision you made and then were then caught by your parents. Do you remember, how, after your parents caught you, they demanded an explanation? Do you remember how your face felt red-hot with shame and embarrassment? How willing were you to spill every single detail? You probably spilled what you had to, but you gave your parents no more than that because it’s horrifying to have to re-live your worst days. It is just human nature to want to limit your own shame and guilt. The facts were going to hurt both you and the person interrogating you. So clamming up is a natural human reaction that isn’t always a reflection of an attempt to deceive.

He May Actually Be Hiding Something: I have to mention this possibility because I do see it happen. And it may be less likely in this case since the husband is always around. But sometimes, husbands aren’t transparent because they are hiding either important details or the contact with the other person isn’t completely over. Often, they are trying to hide how serious or how long the affair truly was. They are afraid that if you knew this, you’d be less likely to forgive them and more likely to continue to want more information. Or sometimes, they want to continue in their deception. However, the truth of this will usually become clear fairly quickly. If he continues to have very little time by himself and is acting as you would expect him to, then this possibility is less likely.

How To Get The Truth: I know that it is tempting to continue to try to guilt or force more information out of him. But as you have already seen, this isn’t always very effective. Most likely, he will only give you the tiniest bit he has to, and this isn’t likely enough.

Although you’d need patience, the most effective route is to often make enough progress in the coming days and weeks so that he feels empathy toward you and a desire to work with you toward a resolution. Then he’d be more willing to concede what you’re asking since you’re both giving a little toward healing.

I know that this probably seems unfair. After all, shouldn’t he have to be the one to make all of the concessions immediately? Absolutely, he should. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out this way. Often, he’ll need some time to move past his shame, guilt, embarrassment, and self-preservation before he can think clearly.

And he is more likely to work with you to provide information when he’s clear-headed and calm. That is why it’s advantageous for you to try to eventually restore a sense that you’re working toward the same goal. As you edge toward this, you will hopefully find him more willing to give you the information that you need. If you can’t achieve this on your own, a good therapist can often help you get there.

Speaking of the information that you need, be careful about demanding to know absolutely everything. I know you are insanely curious and hurt. But believe me when I say that some extraneous information is only going to hurt you. Worse, it will be impossible to erase from your mind. So it will actually accomplish the opposite of what you want. There is some information that you absolutely need. Examples are what, when, who, and how. But the salacious specifics are only likely to rub salt into an already painful wound. If it can’t help you heal, then consider very carefully if you absolutely need it.

The good news is that I know that it’s possible to heal. It is also possible to repair your marriage if that is what you wish to do.  It’s not always a pleasant process, but in my experience it is worth it.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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