Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Although the target audience of this article is the spouse who cheated, I suspect the faithful spouse is reading it. Why? Because it is usually the faithful spouse who seeks the information to help her heal. The cheating spouse doesn’t necessarily want to read about a topic that hits so close to home. It’s painful to face the consequences of your actions or to understand how deeply you have hurt someone else.

Despite the pain, I firmly believe that understanding the affair’s effects on all involved is vital to healing. You can’t fix it until you know just how deep it runs. So in the following article, I will outline how the discovery of infidelity changes you.

If you are the faithful spouse, these changes are already familiar, but you may find validation in seeing them in black and white. (And I’d suggest showing this article to your spouse.) I hope this article helps someone understand the challenges the faithful spouse must face.

1. You Question Your Own View Of Reality: The faithful spouse juggles two very different realities. She must now contrast the marriage she thought she had with what she actually had. These two things may look extremely different in the light of day. She may wonder if she willingly ignored any warning signs or if her husband was skilled at hiding them. Either way, she’s now painfully aware that she was living in a fake reality.

2. Your Inability To Trust Extends Beyond Your Husband: Losing trust in your husband is a given, but you also begin to distrust friends, family, and even co-workers. You wonder if any of these people knew about (or suspected) the affair and kept this information from you. Then you ponder the prevalence of infidelity and conclude that the universe is filled with cheaters. As a result, you can see the world as a dishonest and corrupt place, which leads me to the next change.

3. You Become Paranoid: You see dishonestly around every corner. You assume that every instance of tardiness or distraction means repeat cheating. You worry that the nice waitress in search of a tip is after your husband. You continuously ruminate on the worst-case scenario because you can’t stop yourself.

4. You Feel Both Emotional And Physical Pain: I thought I’d developed severe arthritis after my husband’s affair. Suddenly, my back and knees ached. My pain wasn’t because of any medical condition. The weight of the tension and grief I carried caused physical symptoms. Lack of sleep meant my concentration waned.  I struggled so much emotionally and physically that it was difficult to put one foot in front of the other.

5. You Refuse To See The Good In Yourself: It’s not difficult to understand why a faithful spouse would struggle with self-esteem. When your spouse turns to another woman, you think you are ugly, old, and faulty. Friends, family, and therapists will all come to your defense and insist that you are wonderful. They will kindly point out all of your attributes. But, you’ll refuse to believe them.  You figure that if you were so great, your husband wouldn’t have cheated.

6. You Want To Love Again, But You’re Terrified: Many people assume that the faithful spouse enjoys wallowing in the misery that follows an affair. Nothing is further from the truth. You want to feel normal again as soon as possible. You want love in your life again – whether that comes from your husband or from someone else. But you fear a repeat of this pain. You worry about your ability to evaluate trustworthiness. You wonder if the taint of this affair will follow you to your next relationship.

7. You Suspect That Everyone Pities You: We all want to think of ourselves as strong and competent. However, when your spouse cheats on you, the world can see you as a pitied victim. No one wants to be viewed as “less than” because of someone else’s mistakes.

8.  You Want To Believe In Apologies: Often, the cheating spouse assumes that you’re rejecting his apologies as punishment.  In truth, you’d love to believe in his genuine sorrow and remorse. But you worry that his sorrow comes from detection rather than regret.

9. You May Consider Cheating In Retaliation: You now look at the office flirt a little differently. You may have ignored him before, but now wonder how it would feel to give your spouse a taste of his own medicine. Any cheating spouse who assumes that the faithful spouse doesn’t have options is mistaken. Don’t assume that integrity is a weakness.

10. You Don’t Want To Settle For Less: Cheating spouses who fantasize that you will tire of your anger and eventually let him off the hook are wrong. You know who is at fault. You know that you deserve better than this. You should wait for as long as it takes to obtain genuine remorse and lasting rehabilitation.

I hope that this article has validated the faithful spouse and has educated the cheating spouse.  There’s more about how I healed after my own husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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