Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Why does this happen? There are a few different theories. But most agree that it is a combination of people taking stock of their life for a new year and the stress caused by the winter holidays.

Too Much Family Togetherness In December Can Illuminate Problems: The Christmas season is when we spend more time with our families. We’re often off of work. The kids may be home from school. We’re busy traveling, fitting in as much as possible, and we spend more money than we should. For many, the holidays bring joy but they also bring stress, excess, and the claustrophobia of too much togetherness.

When the new year rolls around, couples can be tired of one another, disappointed at all the money they’ve spent, and looking very hard at their life goals. This combination can be a recipe for dissatisfaction. Since the new year is a time when people expect to make sweeping changes, many will consider separation or divorce. Some will take action and move forward toward this. Others will wait or cheat instead.

Where This Leaves You: If you’ve found this site, you may have already dealt with infidelity and you’re worried that your spouse may cheat again. Or, you may not have dealt with cheating yet, but you can’t deny that your spouse is acting weird. Perhaps you’ve caught him on inappropriate sites or have seen suggestive text messages. You know you’re on shaky ground and you want to handle this correctly so you’re not dealing with infidelity.

The first thing to consider is why he may be in this place. It’s not about sex. This is the time of year when we’re all encouraged to take inventory and then improve our lives. He is dissatisfied with his life and he associates that dissatisfaction with your marriage. This is the most important thing to keep in mind as you move forward.

Strengthening His Contentment (And Therefore His Commitment:) I know that it may be tempting to think that you need to fix your marriage or your sex life this instant. And while it’s never a bad idea to keep him busy with a healthy sex life, it is also important to remember that this is about his overall contentment in all areas of his life. This is a stressful time for everyone. But he’s more vulnerable to that stress right now. So ask yourself what you can do to ease some of it. If you find yourself arguing about money, stop spending as much and compromise. If he mentions changes that he’d like to make in the new year, encourage him. Better yet, join him. Start an exercise or saving program together. Commit to spending your evenings working on a shared goal. Keep him busy with YOU so he won’t go looking at someone else.

Shoring Up Your Marriage: Now, I realize that I’ve just said that his unhappiness isn’t necessarily about you – that he’s reacting to the stress and life examination that we all experience this time of the year. However, it’s also true that many people take inventory of their marriages right now. Many hoped that the Christmas season would unite them or restore their intimacy and now they are disappointed. If you think that this reality is at all possible, now is a good time to take a hard look at your marriage and be honest with yourself about where it could use improvement.

Here are a few hints. Often, you want to look at intimacy and priorities. Men who have affairs so often claim that their wives don’t make time for them, don’t understand them, and don’t show them the affection they need.   If you think that your husband may be thinking about any of these issues, it makes sense to try to focus on (and then change) the areas where vulnerabilities exist. You don’t necessarily need to be obvious about it. Just systematically identify and then change the most problematic issues. Don’t make this a big deal because that will cause more stress. Just maintain a positive attitude and make it seem like you are trying to lighten his load. Doing so will get you more cooperation and less resistance.

Watch Him, But Don’t Panic: It is common sense that you’re going to want to watch your husband more closely right now. Ideally, you will keep him busy at home so that he doesn’t have the time to cheat. It’s normal to want to keep an eye on his digital usage and to watch for anything out of the ordinary. At the same time, you don’t want to cross-examine him every time he picks up electronics or sits at his computer. When we panic and become accusatory, we make the thing that we fear more likely to happen. Watch. Wait. If you see anything that gives you concern, address it in a nonconfrontational way. But don’t get combative and don’t make accusations. You are trying to tone down the stress right now, not make it worse.

Remind Him Of Your Blessings: Honestly, sometimes I think the whole New Years soul-searching process does us more harm than good. In many ways, it makes us dissatisfied because we’re supposed to look at our life and see where we should improve. This process sets us up to look for what is wrong. Remind your husband of what is right. Presumably, he’s spent years investing in you and your family. Show him the fruits of his labor. Show him a loving family who has his back. Sure, some things may require improvement. But the foundation is still there. He needs reminding of this.  Right now. As I am sure you may have guessed, I dealt with (and overcame) infidelity in my own marriage.  You can read about how I did this at http://surviving-the-affair.com