Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Finding out your spouse has cheated is hard enough without him justifying his actions or pretending he did nothing wrong.  Unfortunately, since it is human nature to want to defend oneself (especially with a colossal mistake like cheating) this might be what you get.

At least initially, you may have an indignant spouse who vigorously defends his actions.  He may claim the affair meant nothing.  Or he may say you can’t blame him, considering the state of your marriage.  He may even initially pretend that he doesn’t consider the affair to be a mistake. Very often, he comes out swinging. He wants to come from a place of strength rather than weakness.  He knows the stance he takes right now will set the tone going forward.  He’s hoping his strong stance will help him avoid a long, drawn-out battle.

Thankfully, when you respond with your own strength, he may figure out that his aggressive stance will fail.  Also, as time passes and the affair is truly over, he may gain some important perspective. Once he has space and distance to see things more clearly, he may realize that he made a huge blunder.  But what, exactly, might he do with this realization?

Someone might say, “I believe it is finally hitting my husband that he has had made a grave mistake by cheating on me.  At first, he acted like it wasn’t a big deal and that it was justified since I’ve been caring for my mother and ‘neglecting’ him.  I quickly let him know that this wouldn’t fly.  Lately, he has been a bit less defensive and a little more involved in our household.  He’s been helping a little with my mother’s care and I think he now realizes how hard I have been working.  I believe he now feels remorse. But he certainly hasn’t admitted that his affair was a mistake and I really don’t expect that he will. I am wondering what is the most that I can expect in terms of his behavior?  If he’s truly realized that cheating on me was wrong, how should he behave?”

You may have already seen evidence of his new realization.  His willingness to help with your mother shows empathy and suggests that he still considers himself a part of the family and the household. Still, you need to be firm right now.  If you don’t clarify that you want and expect to see certain behaviors, he may not allow you to see them.  Here are behaviors typical of a cheater who finally realizes he has made a mistake.

Shame And Embarrassment: Cheating on someone you love is not a small flub.  It’s not an innocent oversight.   Cheaters willingly turn away from what they know is right to deceive the person who least deserves it.  Having someone you respect learn the truth about this huge blunder is embarrassing.  You know that you’ve hurt and disappointed the most important person in your life and that’s shameful.  Plus, you’ve done it over temporary sex, an intimate act that you should have saved for your significant other. Any decent person will feel deep shame over this.

Desperation And The Negative Behaviors That Follow: Sometimes, when the seriousness of their mistake dawns on a cheater, he will begin to panic.  He may see that you will not give him a pass.  He may realize that you may divorce him and this will affect his kids and his wallet.  He now faces the reality of losing his life partner.  He likely knows he doesn’t deserve your loyalty, and you’d be completely justified in cutting your losses.  And this might be when you actually see negative behavior. He may suddenly feel huge amounts of anger – at himself.  But he may not freely admit this.  So you may see self-destructive behavior and frustration.

Self Sabotage:  Often, when a person knows you’d be justified in leaving them because of their embarrassing behavior, they do things to challenge you.  They’ll engage in the behavior that makes what they fear more likely.  For example, he may pick a fight and then say “well it doesn’t matter.  We all know you will leave me anyway.”  He’s actually hoping that you’ll stand by him, but he provokes you to test you first. He’s desperately hoping his assumptions are wrong.

A Sincere Wish To Make It Up To The Person You Love:  I so often hear both the cheating and the faithful spouse say, “I wish there was something I could do about this.  I wish that I could change things.”  Well, the cheating spouse CAN change things.  He can become the spouse he knows he SHOULD be.  He can become the honest, loyal, and faithful spouse he should have been before he cheated.  If his wife is generous enough to put her faith in him, he can make it so that she won’t regret it, since he will work tirelessly to justify her good faith effort.

Acknowledgement Of Wrongdoing: It may bring you relief to see your husband acting like he is part of the family again.  With any luck, he may even attempt affection.  But he shouldn’t just assume your married life will return to normal without his sitting you down and acknowledging this is 100% his fault. Ideally, you want to hear something like, “I know that I was originally defensive about the affair, but that was a mistake.  Because the affair was a mistake.  I should not have betrayed you when you needed me.  I should have been lightening your load by helping with your mother rather than making this situation worse.  I hope that you can forgive me one day.  In the meantime, I will make this up to you.”

A Willingness To Make A Deal:  Once the cheater drops all pretenses, admits his mistake, and acknowledges that he doesn’t want to end the relationship, he will often offer to make a deal with you. He’ll ask to tell him what you want to stay together or to give him one more chance.  This is your golden opportunity.  Don’t blow this.  Now is the time to think very hard about exactly what you need and then define it very carefully.  If you want him to go to counseling, tell him.  If you need his reassurance, tell him.  If you’re struggling with trust, speak up.  In my experience, this is as good as it will get.  So once he gets to this place, you need to pounce and define exactly what it will take to move forward.  Don’t be shy. Don’t ask for less than you deserve. Lay it out because, with luck and healing, you will be living with it for years to come.  This actually isn’t as easy as it sounds.  It took me several attempts until I finally got a firm handle on what I needed and expected from my husband.  It was worth the effort, though, because now I am at peace with our reconciliation.  There’s more about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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