Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes when you are trying to move on with life after the affair, you will remember significant days along the way. Even a couple of years later, these significant dates stick out in your mind. For example, you may remember the date that you found out about the affair, or when you confronted him. You might remember when you started counseling, or when you allowed him to move back into your home or into your bedroom. And you might remember the day that you told him that you forgave him.

Some wives chose not to acknowledge these days. Without a doubt, they remember them. But they see no reason to dredge it all up. Other wives actually want to acknowledge them because they want to evaluate how far they have come. Unfortunately, some can’t deny that have not come far enough. So when they approach one of these significant days, they want to offer their spouse a letter or card. But, when they’ve fallen short of their goals, they may be unsure of what to say.

Someone might explain it like this, “tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day I forgave my spouse’s affair and recommitted to our marriage. I remember that I was full of hope. I was so relieved. I just wanted to move forward. I believed that we would be successful because we both wanted it so badly. Parts of this year have been good. We have traveled more. My husband spent more time at home. I can’t say that we’ve completely failed. But in many ways, we are still on shaky ground. So I am reluctant to give him a card because I don’t want to imply that all is well. But I don’t want to complain, either. I know that we’ve both tried. I know that there have been improvements. And yet, things are still awkward. Our sex life struggles. I still cannot allow myself to trust. In some ways, I am disappointed. This is not the marriage I hoped for. But I guess I should be grateful to have a marriage at all. What should I say?”

I honestly think that you should say exactly what you have outlined above. I think that sometimes we assume that if a card or letter is not 100% positive, we shouldn’t send it. I’m not sure this is true. If you feel weird about expressing this in a card, sit down and talk.

The Conversation You May Wish To Have: There is nothing wrong with saying, “do you realize that today is the one year anniversary of when I offered forgiveness? I have been thinking about how far we have come and how far we still have to go. We’ve had some successes, but there are places where we could still improve. Can we talk about this?”

Then take turns acknowledging what was good about the last year (the travel, the time at home) and what could be improved upon (intimacy, trust.) There is nothing wrong with being honest about your reality. How will you reach your goals if you don’t define the ones that remain?

The Importance Of Checking In: Over the course of my recovery with my own spouse, I learned that it’s vital to regularly check in. If you do not speak up, you are going to feel resentful when your needs are not met. Don’t be surprised if your husband has his own list of unmet needs. But again, you can’t fix what you are unaware of.

Get Help If You Need It: Don’t be discouraged that there is still work to do. Simply vow that next year, you’ll have a long list of successes and a short list of failures. If you find that you are unable to successfully tackle some of the more difficult issues, don’t hesitate to get counseling or to use self-help. Sometimes, a professional can uncover what is truly at play and help you efficiently fix the issue. This saves much time and heartache.  You deserve the peace to truly move on. You don’t want to have to re-evaluate the same issues ten years later.

The Value Of Looking Forward Rather Than Back: Honestly, although I did remember notable days for a couple of years after the affair, I don’t any longer. We’ve pretty much healed. And because we check in with one another regularly, there is no need to do this yearly. We certainly celebrate notable days  – our birthdays, our wedding anniversary, and the accomplishments of other family members. But we do not see the need to dwell on the affair’s timeline anymore.

I understand why you need to do this and I encourage you to take this as an opportunity to have an open discussion. But I’m not sure that you want to get in the habit of remembering this day each and every year. The goal is that eventually, you will only be looking forward and not looking back.

In closing, I think that you should write (or say) exactly what is on your mind.  Explain both the good and the bad. Sure, you are not going to find a Hallmark card for this affair anniversary at the supermarket. You might get a generic card and then just allow your own words to speak for you. Or you might have a verbal conversation. But go ahead and tell him what is on your mind. Just don’t make this date an important (or annual one) in your married life together. An affair is not an occasion that you want to revisit each and every year. If it helps, there’s more about the steps I took toward healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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