Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives doubt their husband’s sincerity after he cheated or had an affair.

They doubt that the affair is over.

They doubt that the feelings weren’t serious.

They doubt that he is still invested in the marriage, no matter what he might say.

And sometimes, these doubts go even further. The wife thinks that not only does he no longer want to be in the marriage, but he’s only in the marriage out of a sense of obligation. 

Sometimes, the wife has some issue that she feels ties her husband to her whether he likes it or not.

In these types of instances, she can feel like a burden.

She might say, “To my husband’s credit, he admitted the affair right away. He also apologized, and he has given me most, but not all, of the information that I have asked for.”

” I suppose that I am going to have to trust him when he says that it’s over. I’m not really in the position to go snooping and following him around. But sometimes I sense that he is miserable to be stuck with me. I have a medical condition that requires me to live with someone. I also haven’t been able to work up to my potential, so I am somewhat dependent on my husband’s income. Therefore, I feel like he thinks he is stuck with me whether he likes it or not.”

“Even if he wants to be with the other woman, he likely feels like he can’t. This should give me a touch of relief, but it doesn’t. I feel like a burden. I try very hard to limit what I ask of my husband. But sometimes it can’t be avoided. So now I’m trying to get over the affair along with feeling like an obligation that my husband can’t avoid. How do I get past this?”

First of all, I want to say that I at least know how you are feeling regarding the affair. It is a betrayal that can make you doubt many aspects of yourself. And I suspect that you may be experiencing a little bit of that right now.

If He Truly Didn’t Want to Stay, He Likely Wouldn’t:

I understand why you are feeling unsure, but I can share something with you which I hope helps, just a touch.

I’ve dialogued with many wives from many backgrounds who are struggling with infidelity. Some of them had husbands who weren’t going to stay no matter what. 

I’ve seen people with handicapped kids whose dad left because of an affair.  

I’ve seen spouses leave the other spouse penniless because they had to be with their affair partner.

The point I’m trying to make is this: If your husband truly didn’t want to stay with you, he wouldn’t. 

Sure, he may make of a show of staying at first. But eventually, very few people are going to do what they truly don’t want to do.

Yes, he may be frustrated with your medical situation. He may feel helpless to help you.

He may be angry at the mess he has made.

But generally speaking, people don’t act against their own desires and best interests for the long term.

Evaluating What is Actually True: 

I am going to be vulnerable for a second and tell you that I was sure my husband didn’t actually find me attractive after his affair.

And this was when I was arguably younger, thinner, etc. This was at a time when I can look back and say I wasn’t unattractive in the least.

But I felt like I was. 

My point is that sometimes we project our own fears onto the situation.

Our fear contributes to us seeing a reality that doesn’t exist. But we risk making that reality the truth.

If I say to my husband, “How could you be attracted to me with all this cellulite on my legs?”, I’m actually drawing his attention where I don’t want it. 

Eventually, he is going to look down at my legs. I’ve not only brought his attention to it, but I risk a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I say, “Why would you want to be with me?” over and over again, then eventually, my husband might just start to ask himself that very question.

He might suspect that I know that there is something wrong with me when actually there is nothing wrong. I’m only afraid.

Do you see where I’m going?  

If you think you are a burden, you may act like one.

And if you act like one, you may alter the outcome that you want and deserve.

Changing Your Thought Process to Escape a Losing Equation:

So, let’s look at the equation that we have.

Your husband is likely still with you because, somewhere in his heart, he wants to be.

But you feel like a burden, and this may negatively shift your behavior.

Does this equal the best outcome that you could have?

It only does if you can stop trying to convince yourself that you’re a burden.

Let me ask you this. If your husband had a medical issue, would you willingly step up for him? I suspect you would.  

We’ve all promised to love our spouse in sickness and in health.  

So I think you can separate the affair and feelings of being a burden into two separate issues.

I also think that it would greatly benefit you to work on your confidence.

I did this after my husband’s affair, and it helped tremendously. It meant that when he told me he wanted to stay in our marriage, I believed him.

I believed that I was worth it. I believed that he would be crazy not to try to make it work with me.

And as a result, I was able to invest in my marriage again.

Please don’t sell yourself short. You deserve much better than that. And you shouldn’t hesitate to seek out the healing that will erase these negative thoughts.

I know the negative thoughts can be overwhelming after an affair, but you have to learn how to silence them so you can focus on moving forward.  You can read more about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin