Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Sometimes, although a faithful wife is dealing with the uncertainty of her husband cheating, she at least has clarity on her husband’s feelings about the marriage. Since her husband is claiming that he wants to stay with her, she knows that her marriage can endure unless she chooses otherwise. However, what is less clear is HOW, exactly, the couple will return to a fulfilling marriage built upon trust. This is especially true if the husband is showing no real effort toward making things right.

A wife might say, “if there is any positive that came after I found out about my husband’s affair, it’s that he’s made it very clear that he is committed to me. He has repeatedly said that he wants to stay in this marriage. He seems sincere. So I want to believe him. However, his words and his actions contradict one another. Because he has put forth absolutely no effort towards improving our situation or our marriage. If I cheated on him, I would be bringing home flowers, scheduling counseling, and checking on his well-being. He does none of these things. It’s as if he wants to pretend that the affair never happened. At this rate, I don’t see me being secure in this marriage. If we don’t fix things, I doubt I will trust him. When I bring this up, he acts like I’m trying to punish him. Then he will ask me what I want him to do. I get all flustered with this process. Am I wrong to expect him to put in an effort? And how do I get him to do it?”

No, you are not wrong. From my own experience, I know that recovering from an affair is challenging. One of the necessary reassurances is knowing that your husband is working to make things right again. Without that piece of the puzzle, it’s very hard to believe that he is fully invested and won’t cheat again. So not only do you deserve his effort, you need it.

But how do you get it? There are a few things you can try.

The Tricky Ultimatum Strategy: Some wives give ultimatums. They simply tell their husband that he has to earn his way back in the marriage by showing her that it is safe to stay married. These wives will then outline the steps needed to accomplish this.

This strategy is good in theory if you have a complaint, patient, or eager-to-please husband. However, some husbands either resist this or get tired of it eventually. My husband initially tried to comply with my ultimatums, but over time he came to resist, feeling as if nothing he did made me happy.

An Alternative To Ultimatums: Eventually, after listening to suggestions from people I respect, I came up with a new strategy. I decided to trade with my husband. Let me explain. My husband wanted to feel less like he was under attack. And I wanted more of an effort from him. So when he complained about how nothing he did made a difference, I promised to try to scale back on my criticism if he would scale up his efforts.

To make it even easier for him, I spelled out what I wanted to see. So as not to overwhelm him, I focused on only a couple of things per week. One week I might ask him to show me more affection. The next week I might ask that he listen to me without interruption for five minutes each day. We agreed that each Friday night, we would discuss our progress. He would tell me if I’d done better on whatever I was working on for the week. And I’d tell him if he’d made more of an effort. If he hadn’t, he would get the same task for the next week.

This strategy worked well. My husband saw that I was willing to work with him. Since I spelled out exactly what I needed, he could not claim ignorance. But I had to acknowledge when he had done what I asked. Regularly checking in with a reciprocal give and take made us feel like partners again.

So, if this method sounds good, try it. But don’t accept less than what you deserve. Your husband has damaged your marriage and he should partner with you to repair it. He can’t blame you for wanting to see effort and intention. How could you believe that he is sincere without this?

Challenging The Punishment Excuse: Sometimes it helps to try to explain why you need to see an effort and to clarify that this is not a punishment. You might try, “You asked what I wanted from you. Let me be clear. I want to see effort from a man who claims to want to stay in this marriage. In order for me to want to stay, I want a marriage that is healed from the affair’s damage. This repair will take work. This repair will take effort. I need to see both. I want to see you actively trying to make this marriage strong again, not just staying with the status quo. I need affection. I need communication, understanding, and affirmation. I need your commitment to go to counseling if we decide to go that route. I need you to work with me to rebuild the trust and honesty. All of these things require effort from both of us. This is not punishment. This is healing. Can I count on you to do more?”

Then, see what he has to say. If he still acts as if he doesn’t understand, spell it out. Decide what effort he could make this week that would make you feel better. Ask him to do this one thing and tell him that you will re-evaluate this weekend.

Hopefully, by being very specific and by breaking this down into smaller steps, you will see him rise to the occasion. But don’t give up if you don’t. Keep trying different methods until you get the effort that you need. If he is serious about staying with you, then he should put in the effort to make you want to stay with him.  You can read about how I inspired what I wanted and needed out of my own husband at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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