Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There are many excuses that people give for being unfaithful to their spouses. Some of them are easy to dismiss out of hand. And others require at least some consideration. One example is a one-time thing that was supposedly caused by drinking. In other words, the cheating spouse’s inhibitions were down because of the alcohol. Therefore, he didn’t have sound judgment, and, in a momentary lapse, he cheated. Supposedly just the once.

Some wives will at least wonder if this excuse is valid, and other wives will not give it any special consideration.

Someone might say, “I know my husband was impaired on the night he cheated on me because I talked to him on the phone. I could tell he was flying high. He was slurring his words. He admitted that he had been drinking, and he was away on a business trip where everyone else was drinking. He doesn’t handle alcohol very well, so he rarely drinks. I do believe him when he says he wasn’t thinking clearly. Still, he cheated on me during this trip. He told me the next day, and I believe him when he claims that it was only one time (mostly because he hasn’t been out of my sight very much,) but I’m still devastated. He acts as if I’m just supposed to forget about it since he was drunk. But I’m never going to be able to forget. No matter how it happened, it still happened, and nothing he says or does will negate it. Am I wrong in my thinking?”

I definitely don’t think that you are wrong in your thinking. While I will concede that I believe there is a small difference in recovery from a very short fling and a long-term, serious affair, I’d never tell you that his drinking means he gets off scot-free.  

Why? Because the damage is still done. I’ve done damage to people and things I love plenty of times without meaning to. But my lack of intent doesn’t mean that I didn’t make the mistake, or that I don’t have to clean up my mess. Intent doesn’t mean that I don’t have to learn from my mistakes or that I don’t have to make things up to the people I hurt.  

The same is true of an affair. My husband’s affair happened in similar circumstances, but that didn’t change what was necessary for me to heal.

Lapses in Judgment Still Require Understanding and Rehabilitation:  I understand that people aren’t thinking clearly when they are drunk. I understand that they are impaired. But, and this is only my opinion, that alone can’t excuse or erase the behavior.

Why? Many people who find themselves in this situation will tell you that there was a mitigating factor like they don’t hold their alcohol very well or they didn’t know what they were doing. To address those excuses, I wonder why they would put themselves in that position if they knew that they might be so compromised in a place where their spouse wasn’t present. Why leave yourself so very vulnerable?

Yes, I know that everyone makes mistakes, but there is no denying that this mistake is particularly damaging, which means that the fallout cannot be ignored.

Again, this is only my opinion based on my own experience. But having a quick fling due to drinking does not negate the need for rehabilitation and recovery. Your spouse will need to understand what in his thought process (or lack of it) left him so vulnerable, and then he will need to examine what he can do to make sure this never happens again. After that, he needs to begin the long path of restoring your trust and confidence in him.  

These things shouldn’t be skipped merely because he was drunk. You still need these things to heal every bit as much as you’d need them if he were sober. It makes no difference. And if you’re uncomfortable that he is working with the other woman, that needs to be addressed also. His top priority should be your healing, whatever it takes.

The Tiny Bit of Difference the Circumstances Make:  Now, to be fair, we need to look at this from all sides. I do believe there’s a concession to be made here. For what it is worth, this situation is arguably a bit less devastating than dealing with a long-term affair where the husband was either considering leaving his wife for the other woman or has actually left.

I often hear from wives dealing with a husband who either has been seeing the other woman for a very long time and trying to hide it or is being very blatant about it and refusing to give her up, claiming that they are in love or are soul mates. 

This is very different from a husband who admitted to the affair himself right after a very short indiscretion. In this short-term case, there’s no history between them, arguably no feelings, and no long history of secrecy. 

I’m not implying that ANY type of affair is better or easier to get over than another. They can all be incredibly difficult. But, for me personally, I’d rather deal with a blip that is over right away than a long-term betrayal. Don’t misunderstand me. Both require work to get over. And both require rehabilitation and healing. No one wants either one.

But to answer the original concern, the drinking while cheating excuse is very common. But it doesn’t excuse the infidelity. What is more important is whether he immediately comes clean, that any interaction is over, and he is more than willing to do whatever is necessary to rehabilitate and heal. Drinking doesn’t negate any of this. He still put himself in a vulnerable position. He still ultimately made a devastating decision that has caused damage, which now must be dealt with. 

That said, from my own experience, I believe that healing is very possible with patience and intention.  If it helps, you can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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