Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By Katie Lersch: When you find out your husband has cheated, it’s like your entire world tilts. One moment you think you know your life, your marriage, your partner—and the next, everything feels uncertain. You may find yourself asking, Who is this person I married? What does this mean for us? And more painfully… what’s wrong with me?

First, I want you to hear this loud and clear: nothing about your reaction makes you “too emotional,” “too sensitive,” or “crazy.” What you’re feeling is very likely a normal, understandable, human response to a horrible betrayal. You’re reacting to something that shakes your foundation to its core. And that deserves compassion—especially from yourself. If you can’t provide that to yourself, no one else will. You need to be your best advocate right now.

Over the years, I’ve connected with many women who’ve faced this same devastation. And while every woman’s experience is unique, there are some incredibly common emotional reactions. Knowing what others in this situation have experienced can help you feel a little less alone.

1. Shock and Disbelief: Even if part of you suspected something was off – even if you pushed it down, the confirmation still hits like a freight train. It’s not unusual to feel like you are watching someone else’s life with disbelief because you always thought this couldn’t happen to you.

This stage often feels numb. Your body might be functioning on autopilot, but your brain is struggling to process the reality. You feel like you are in a fog or walking through quicksand. That’s normal. Infidelity is not just a breach of trust—it’s a trauma. And shock is the brain’s natural way of protecting you in the beginning.

2. Rage — Sometimes Tinged With Anger, Sometimes Tinged With Cold: Anger is one of the most common and intense emotions that comes after cheating. It might feel explosive, or it might simmer underneath. You might be furious at him. And feel like you physically strike someone. Or you may get very quiet and feel like you just can’t feel anything at all.

Please know this: your anger, your rage, or your numbness are all valid. You’ve been hurt, betrayed, blindsided – and maybe lied to. The important thing isn’t to deny the anger—but to find healthy outlets for it so it doesn’t consume you or lead to choices you regret. That doesn’t mean you have to sidetrack things you need to address to avoid the anger, but it does mean that you should find ways to take care of yourself to offer some balance to keep your sanity.

3. Deep, Soul-Level Hurt: Underneath the anger, there’s usually a sadness that is so profound and deep, it can’t be put into words. A feeling of loss—not just of trust, but of the version of your life you thought you had. It’s like a death you can’t explain to anyone but those who’ve been there. You feel like you’ve lost something that you assumed would always be yours.

This kind of hurt often comes in waves. One minute you feel somewhat steady, maybe even hopeful. The next, you’re sobbing in the grocery store because a song came on. That’s normal. Don’t judge yourself for it. Never apologize for it.

4. Obsession and Intrusive Thoughts: Many women are surprised by how fixated their mind becomes. Even if you are normally a very rational and calm person, you may constantly replay what happened, wonder what you missed, imagine their conversations, or even picture them together. You may find yourself checking his phone, his email, his social media. You may find yourself doing these things in a loop – even when you know they are hurting you and you should stop.

This isn’t you being “weak” or “paranoid.” It’s your brain trying to make sense of a violation. It’s trying to protect you from ever being blindsided again. Over time, this obsessive loop does quiet down—but in the early stages, it’s common and, frankly, it feels awful.

5. Self-Doubt and Insecurity: You may start to question everything—your appearance, your worth, your role in the marriage. Even women who are beautiful, successful, and deeply loving find themselves thinking, Was I not enough? You may wonder where you went wrong. Or what you could have done differently.

Please believe me: his cheating says everything about his choices and nothing about your value. Don’t let yourself go there – ever. Even in a struggling marriage (and you may not have been,) infidelity is a choice he made. And no matter what problems existed, cheating was not the solution. You are still enough. And your marriage could have been perfect, and you still might have been there – because of HIS shortcomings, not yours.

6. Confusion About What to Do Next: Should you leave? Should you stay and try to work it out? Can you ever trust him again? These questions don’t come with easy answers. And it’s okay not to know yet. Many women feel torn between love and pain, hope and fear.

This limbo is uncomfortable, but it’s a natural part of the process. Don’t rush your decision just to escape the pain. Give yourself time. The answers will become clearer when the initial emotions settle a bit and you have time to see how he’s going to act and what he is willing to do moving forward. His actions tomorrow are just as important as his actions in the past.

7. Embarrassment and Isolation: Infidelity often comes with a deep sense of shame—even though you did nothing wrong. You might not want to tell friends or family. You might worry about being judged, pitied, or told what to do. Frankly, I suggest being careful who you tell. Because you don’t want to be forced to talk about this endlessly if you don’t want to.

But you DO want to have someone or somewhere that you can vent. Even if it’s only a journal if that is what makes you most comfortable.

8. Moments of Strength You Didn’t Expect: This may surprise you, but it happens more than you’d think. Amid the devastation, many women experience moments where they realize just how strong they are. You might find yourself calmly setting a boundary, or doing something brave you didn’t think you could. You might find yourself checking him with confidence.

These moments don’t cancel out the pain—but they are glimpses of the woman who’s still in there, fighting. The one who will eventually find her footing again because she deserves nothing less. Even if right now, that feels impossible.

A Combination Of All Of These Because Your Thoughts Are So Scattered: If you’re feeling all over the place—furious one day, numb the next, weeping at night, then oddly hopeful by morning—you are not crazy. You are grieving. You are beginning the processing and then the healing process, even if doesn’t feel like. You are doing the best you can in a situation you never asked for.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, without judgment. Don’t rush to be “over it.” This is your timeline, and your journey. Never let anyone pressure you to feel something that you don’t or shame you into hiding feelings that you actually have.

I felt all of these things. But guess what? I healed. I came out the other side. And I am still married. If you want to read about how I did that, I explain it https://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: katie lersch: I often have two different sets of people asking me this question.  Sometimes, people whose spouses are having an affair want to know why and how affairs end so that they can attempt to make the affair end sooner.  Other times, I hear from the people involved in the affair.  They don’t want it to end so they are looking for common pitfalls in the hopes that they can avoid them.  Much of the time, one party is hoping that the affair ends (and is looking for a way to help this process happen more quickly)  while the other is hoping that it never ends.  In the following article, I’ll tell you some of the most common reasons that I see affairs end.

The Affair Will Commonly Fizzle Out As The “Newness” And Excitement Wears Off: There’s no question that, to many,  part of the appeal of the affair is the fact that it’s taboo and forbidden.  There can be an excitement that comes with a new and secret relationship.  But as the early days give way to old ones, this sense of newness quickly wears off and gives way to the familiar.  And when this happens, a lot of that excitement goes with it.  When this happens, the affair/relationship will often just die a natural death or fizzle out.  Because it’s often not real or genuine feelings and emotions that are holding these two together. It’s a facade that fades.

Sometimes, The Guilt Becomes So Overwhelming That One Party Chooses To End The Affair: It’s also not uncommon for one person to end the affair out of guilt.  There’s a stereotype that people who have affairs are unfeeling and don’t care about their spouse anymore.  This isn’t always the case.  Many do feel guilt and some even end the affair because of those same guilt feelings.  Although the person on the other side of the affair will often hope or think that the person who they are cheating with has distanced himself from his family or is no longer as invested as he once was, this sometimes proves to be not the case.

Sometimes The Faithful Spouse Finds Out About The Affair And A Choice Must Be Made: It’s not at all uncommon for the faithful spouse to learn about the affair (and sometimes the unfaithful spouse will confess to this themselves.)  When this happens, the faithful spouse will often issue an ultimatum and demand that a choice is made.  And it’s not at all uncommon for the cheating spouse to end the affair in a response to that ultimatum because they decide that their spouse is more important to them than the other person.

An Affair Can End Because One Or Both People Involved In It Realize That The Relationship Just Isn’t Working Anymore Or Was Built Upon Misconceptions: It’s also not uncommon for one or both people in the relationship to evaluate it and decide that it isn’t working anymore or just isn’t what they thought or hoped it would be.  Often, in the beginning, they can build the other person up to be something who he or she is not.  After all, if you’re going to risk your marriage and your family to participate in infidelity, that other person must be awful special.  But, after a while, it becomes easier to see them for who they really are or aren’t.  And when this happens, you can realize that the other person (or the relationship) just isn’t worth the risk or the personal costs.

When Reality Sets In, The Rose Colored Glasses Can Come Off: At the beginning of an affair, both people are usually on their best behavior and are working very hard to make each encounter exciting and memorable.  Usually at least one person is investing a lot into the relationship.  But this can only last or be maintained for so long.  Eventually, she might see or have to pick up his dirty socks.   Her lack of character might start to annoy him and the list goes on and on.  The point is, eventually, the relationship behind the affair becomes like any other relationship – warts and all.  And it can become fairly obvious that if the affair is going to have all of the usual problems of a marriage or other long-term relationship, then what’s the point?

The End To An Affair Can Come Very Abruptly Or Quite Gradually: Sometimes when people think of an affair ending, they picture a very dramatic breakdown.  I’ve had people tell me that they sat on the phone while their spouse called the other person and instantly ended the affair.  I’ve heard of nasty face to face confrontations and threats to never ever have any contact again.  But an affair doesn’t always end with a bang.  It can also end with a gradual whimper where one person quietly breaks it off or the interactions or meetings just become less and less frequent until they eventually end altogether.

No matter how and why affairs end, most do end eventually.  Statistics show that very few relationships that start as an affair end up in marriage – much less a marriage that actually lasts.  There’s an exception to every rule, of course.  But for the most part, an affair does not have a high chance of working out or ending well.  That’s why it can be advisable to never start one in the first place.

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By: Katie Lersch:   I often hear from the spouse who was cheated on.  Occasionally though, I sometimes get messages from the spouse who cheated.  Perhaps my perspective is skewed because I was one of the spouse’s who was cheated on, but it’s usually pretty obvious which people are sincere and which aren’t.  Some ask for advice on how to “get” or “make” their spouse forgive their infidelity.  It is pretty obvious that their main concern is themselves.  They are more worried about forgiveness than they are worried about their spouse’s healing and well being.

But, sometimes it’s clear that the person reaching out really does care about what is best for BOTH people.  They are truly sorry and want to make things right again.  Their concern reaches outside of themselves.  I recently heard from a wife who had cheated on her husband over the course of only one night.  She was full of remorse and just sick over what her one action had done to her marriage.   She was desperate to make her husband understand how sorry she was.  She said, in part:  “I am so sorry for cheating on my husband.  I will regret that for the rest of my life.  But the real tragedy would be if I lose my marriage over this.  I might lose my husband and my children might lose their father because of my mistake.  The weird thing is, my husband doesn’t even seem angry anymore.  But he is finished.  He says that infidelity is something that he will never be able to forgive and, although he loves me as a person, he can no longer love me as his wife because of what I did.  I feel like if I could just make him believe that I will never do this again, we could get past this.  We had a very happy marriage and a wonderful family and I’ve gone and ruined it.   Is there any way that I can get him to forgive me so that we can move on?”

The wife’s sincerity was very apparent to me.  It is very upsetting when one mistake (made by someone who is truly sorry and would never repeat the same error) means that a marriage comes toppling down.  I will share with you some of the insights I gave the wife in the following article.

Sometimes, You Have To Accept That Forgiveness Might Take A Good While And It’s Better If You Don’t Push For It: Many people who were unfaithful equate their spouse’s forgiveness with that same spouse’s love and commitment to them.  I’ve had many people admit that they feel that if their spouse can’t forgive them, then this must also mean that their spouse doesn’t love them enough.  This often just isn’t the case.  Their being unable or unwilling to forgive is simply that.  You really shouldn’t try to draw your own conclusions.

And, healing and forgiveness can take time.  Much of the time, they simply want to wait and watch.  They want to see how long you will continue to offer your reassurance and apologies.  They want to see if you continue to be trustworthy and if you love them enough to hang in there even when it isn’t easy for you.  I will admit that many of us who were cheated on put our spouses through sort of a test (even though many of us don’t realize it when we are doing this.)  We want to see if our spouse will stay with us no matter how much we push them away.  We may not do this consciously, but we figure that if they stay put even when we don’t make it easy to do so, then they must truly love us, in spite of their cheating.

The thing is, you likely don’t know which of these factors are at play.   You have given your spouse quite a lot to handle and they are probably doing the very best that they can.  Pushing them to forgive you before they are able to do so only impedes their progress and places the focus on you rather than on them.  You are usually much better off backing off of that topic and continuing to offer your support and reassurance.

Know That Forgiveness For Infidelity Isn’t Required To Move Past It: Countless people tell me that they feel that if their spouse can’t forgive their infidelity, then their marriage must be doomed.  Again, this isn’t always the case.  Some spouses remain married while the betrayed spouse still remains on the fence about forgiveness.  Again, forgiveness is nice.  But it’s certainly not a requirement.  Your spouse can and often will take a “wait and see” attitude and you can still make quite a bit of progress.

It believe that it’s a real tragedy when people give up on their marriages just because one of them is struggling with forgiveness.  I think the better course of action is just to agree to take that issue off of the table for a little while.  After all, you often have other  things on which you can focus on worry about.  And sometimes, if you place your focus on supporting, understanding, and reassuring your spouse rather than on pressuring them, you will eventually get the result that you want because they can see that you have their best interest (rather than yours) at heart.

Think Twice Before You Give Up On Your Spouse When They Are Struggling With Forgiveness.  Patience And Support Are Better Options: My best advice to the wife mentioned above was just to continue to hang in there and support her husband.   Frankly, I thought that she should stop pushing for forgiveness and focus instead on healing.  As someone who has been cheated on myself, I can tell you that being pressured to forgive gets very old.  It makes you feel ever more negatively toward your spouse.  And, you can feel more angry (and less forgiving) because of the pressure.

I suggested that the next time the topic came up, she might say something like “I understand that you can’t forgive my infidelity right now.  You have every right to be reluctant when it comes to me.  I know that I have a lot of work to do to show you that you can trust me again.  And I will do whatever it takes to support you.  I’m not going to pressure you any more. Instead, I’m going to try to give you whatever you need to heal, even if that doesn’t include me.  I just want you to be happy again and I want you to know that I do love you and that you your well being are the most important things to me right now.  If there’s anything that I can do to facilitate this,  just say the word.  If you need some time, I’ll give you that too.”

Sometimes, you just have to wait.  Once your spouse sees that you are sincere and concerned with them rather than yourself, you will often see some changes, even if you don’t always see forgiveness immediately.  The idea is to move forward, to heal, and to restore the closeness without worrying about all of the definitions and the pressure.

I don’t think my husband ever said any magic words that made me forgive his infidelity.  But he did hang in there no matter what.  This eventually convinced me that it was safe to move on.   Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at Http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I’m asked this question all of the time: “Why did my husband cheat on me? Our marriage is decent. I am a good wife.” And honestly, the answer usually surprises people. Because most assume that a man steps outside of his marriage because something is terribly wrong in the relationship. Or something is terribly wrong with the wife. They believe the wife must have done something wrong, or that the other woman was just too tempting. That the marriage got boring, or the sex dried up. He was a typical man due to these circumstances. I understand why people think this. It’s a narrative we hear all the time.

But after years of hearing from wives (and husbands) dealing with unexpected affairs—and after living through this myself—I can tell you that the truth is usually much more complicated. And often, it’s not about the wife, or even the marriage, at all. I know you may be doubting this, but I’ll explain why.

It’s Often About Him—Not You: In my experience, many married men cheat not because their wives failed them, but because they are struggling within themselves. They feel uncertain. Insecure. Lost. Maybe they’ve hit a certain age and are questioning their worth or their success. Maybe life didn’t turn out the way they expected. Maybe they’re just feeling invisible—and they want to feel like “someone” again. They want, desperately want, to be SEEN.

When someone else comes along and makes them feel powerful, desirable, or needed, and yes, SEEN, that pull can be very strong—especially if their sense of self is already shaky. It doesn’t excuse what they did. But it can explain it. And for many wives, that’s a crucial step toward healing—understanding that this was about his brokenness, not your shortcomings. If you can see him as a sort of victim of his own shortcomings, even better.

His Friends and Male Role Models Might Be Part of the Problem, Too: Something else I see over and over again? The men who cheat often have other men around them who do the same. Maybe it’s a coworker who brags about his flings, or a friend who casually dismisses infidelity as “normal.” Maybe it’s a dad or uncle who modeled the same behavior. And if those men are saying things like, “It’s just sex—it doesn’t mean anything,” your husband might start to believe that lie, too. After all, this kind of behavior is all around him. It’s normalized. Faithful men look weird and undesirable to the bro code.

A lot of men I hear from never had any intention of leaving their wives. They intend for every single thing to remain the same. They still see themselves as a family man. As a good husband. Many insist that they love their wives deeply—even as they’re cheating. It’s like they compartmentalize it, and that can be extremely hard for a wife to understand. And yet, it’s more common than you think.

Does It Really Matter Why He Did It?: A woman once told me, “I’m obsessing over why he cheated. But does it really matter? He still betrayed me. Isn’t that the point? At the end of the day, I have told him that it is a dealbreaker.” And I understood exactly what she meant. When your whole world has been turned upside down, the pain of what happened can feel much more important than the reasons behind it.

But in my own healing, and in talking with countless other women, I’ve come to believe that understanding the “why” can help. It helps you let go of unnecessary self-blame. It helps you see that your husband’s infidelity may have had more to do with his personal issues than with anything you did or didn’t do. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t your marriage.  It wasn’t some lack where you were concerned. It wasn’t your fault.

And that shift in perspective? It’s powerful.

Even If You Never Understand Or Believe The “Why,” You Can Still Heal – At Least In My Experience: When I was in the thick of this, I honestly didn’t believe my marriage could survive. I wasn’t sure I could survive. But now, years later, my marriage is not only intact—it’s stronger. And I am stronger. I took the time to understand what happened. I worked on myself. I rebuilt my self-esteem. And I stopped letting someone else’s choices define how I saw myself. I accepted that it was HIM. It was not ME. And I will not claim it. He can.

If you’re in this place right now, please know that healing doesn’t always come from trying to control him or even fully understanding his reasoning. It often comes from turning inward and reclaiming your own peace, strength, and self-worth. It comes from knowing that, no matter what brought you to this, you can deal with it accordingly. And you can demand that he do the work, too.

You can read more of my personal story—and how I helped my marriage survive—at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: If you had told me years ago that I would stay with a husband who cheated on me, I probably would’ve looked at you like you had three heads. I used to believe that infidelity was an automatic deal-breaker. I used to believe that if someone cheated, they didn’t deserve another chance – especially a husband with whom I have invested years.

But then, I lived it. I never ever thought that I would live it. But, unfortunately, I did. And when you’re living it — when you’re waking up in the same house as a husband whose betrayal still feels like a gut punch the reality becomes a lot more complicated. Because it’s not just about the two of you. It’s about extended family. It’s about the life you built. It’s about your future.

Love doesn’t just shut off. Shared history doesn’t just disappear. The life you’ve built together doesn’t suddenly stop meaning anything. You built it. Believe me, it is hard to just walk away. So you consider staying. You don’t know if you can ever do it. You may even make him stay away for a while (I did.) But even if you flirt with ending things, you might always keep a toe dipped in the marital waters. Because closing the door feels too final, and it feels like you lost the battle. At least it did for me.  

Despite my anger, fury, confusion, and struggle, somewhere deep down, I was still invested. Sometimes reluctantly. But I still was. So I stayed (albeit reluctantly at times.)

And today, I want to talk honestly about what healing actually looks like — because it’s not always the tidy, inspirational story we wish it was.

Healing Can Be A Non-Linear Mess: One day, you might feel like you have actually made a little progress. You might feel almost normal – almost. You’ll find yourself laughing at a joke, lost in a moment, and think, Maybe I’m finally starting to feel a little better about all of this.

Then the next day — or even the next hour — you can be triggered by something completely unexpected. A look on his face. A feeling in your gut. A song. A TV show. A random comment from a friend or family member. And suddenly, it feels like you’re back at square one.

I used to beat myself up about that. I became furious at myself that I could so easily be pushed off the progress I’d fought so hard for. Did this make me weak? Did it mean I wasn’t working hard enough? That I didn’t believe enough? That I didn’t want it enough? That my husband was doing something wrong?

Nope. It meant that I am human. And so is my husband. Healing after infidelity is like the tide: it ebbs and flows. Expect good days and bad days, sometimes back to back. Even when you start to feel secure, there is always something that can knock you back down – at least for a while. (But not forever.)

Healing Means Redefining Emotional Safety: One of the hardest parts of healing and taking my power back was realizing that safety — emotional safety, relationship safety — had been shattered and needed to be fully rebuilt. I used to believe that my marriage was a safe haven. When he cheated, it became a sort of uncertain hell.

Part of healing was learning to rebuild that sense of safety — not just in him, but also in myself. Because here’s the truth: if you rely only on your partner to make you feel safe again, you’re setting yourself up for more pain. In truth, you cannot totally depend on anyone but yourself. Once you accept that, it’s harder to knock you off your feet.

I had to learn to trust my own instincts. I had to learn that I could survive even if my worst fear came true again. That made me stronger — and oddly enough, it made the relationship stronger too.

Healing Looks Different for Everyone. There Is No Perfect Way: Some people want and demand constant reassurance. Some need extensive therapy. Some create an entirely new marriage.

I prioritized being honest even when it was uncomfortable, choosing to sit with my pain instead of denying it and settling for progress, not perfection.

I also allowed myself to grieve. This isn’t wallowing. It’s just realistic. It’s just being honest about how you feel and what you lost.

Healing Means Understanding (But Not Excusing:) At some point, I had to ask myself: Do I need to understand why he cheated? The answer was yes — but not in the way I first thought. Understanding doesn’t mean condoning. It doesn’t mean saying, “It’s okay. I totally excuse you.”

I’d never do or say that. But understanding does mean that infidelity usually grows in the dark corners of a relationship where needs aren’t being voiced, where resentments fester, or where personal struggles left unshared become motivating factors.

The cheater is usually struggling in some way, but instead of voicing that, they solve their problem in the most unfortunate way. Understanding gave me clarity — but it also reinforced my boundaries. I understood, but I also made it very clear: This can never happen again. And there is no excuse for it whatsoever.

Healing Is Choosing Each Other, Despite It All: One thing people don’t always get is that healing after betrayal isn’t a one-time decision. It’s a daily one. Each day, I had a choice to make. And so did he. He had to choose transparency and patience. We both had to choose humility and willingness, again and again. Sometimes, those choices were easier than others. But over time, the good days started to outnumber the bad.

What I Want You To Know: If you’re staying after infidelity, know this: you’re not foolish. You’re not weak. You are fighting for something that’s still important to you for whatever personal reason. And that’s valid and brave.

Healing isn’t about pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about facing it head-on, feeling every messy, painful emotions, and still choosing to move forward — on your own terms.

Your healing journey will look different than mine. And that’s okay. As long as it gives you peace in the end. You can read about my healing journey and how I ended up with my marriage intact at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When you’re trying to rebuild your marriage after an affair, nobody really warns you about how much space the past can still take up. Even after the tears have been shed, the apologies have been made, and the promises have been spoken — the ghost of what happened can still linger.

You might be folding laundry or laughing at a dumb TV show together, and out of nowhere, it hits you:
“Remember what he did.” “Remember how he betrayed you.”

Or maybe you’re having a perfectly fine day, and a random song, place, or even smell knocks the wind right out of you.

If you’re living with this — and still trying to save your marriage — please know this: You’re not crazy. And you’re not doing it wrong. This is what imperfect healing can really look like. It’s messy, it’s unpredictable, and sometimes it’s downright exhausting.

But it’s also possible for you to come out on the other side. And often, it’s not about doing one big thing perfectly.
It’s about rebuilding your marriage day by day, even when the ghost of the affair tries to haunt you.

Know That the Ghost Is Normal And Haunting (And Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Healing:) One thing I wish someone had told me early on is this: You can be healing and still hurt at the same time. They’re not opposites. They actually go hand-in-hand. You can forgive your spouse one day and be furious the next. You can have moments where you feel hopeful and connected — and then, out of nowhere, feel crushed all over again.

That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It doesn’t mean you can’t do this. It just means you’re human. Healing isn’t a straight line. It’s more like a tangled ball of emotions that you’re slowly, painfully, but somewhat steadily, untangling one day at a time. The ghost shows up because the affair affected a marriage that mattered. Because you loved deeply.

And actually? Your shattered feelings are a sign that you’re still in the fight — still caring enough to heal, not numbing out or giving up completely. If you weren’t hurt, you wouldn’t be invested. And your investment is necessary to get you out of this.

Don’t Let the Ghost Rewrite Your Future: Here’s something I learned the hard way: The past only controls the future if you let it. It’s really easy to slip into fear-thinking after an affair. You may have thoughts like:

• He betrayed me once, so he’ll probably do it again.

• I was blindsided before. So I’ll probably be again.

• We’ll never get back the marriage that we lost.

I’m not here to sugarcoat anything. Affairs change things. Trust takes a huge hit. You are knocked off your axis. But living under constant fear and suspicion isn’t really living. And it’s not fair — to you or to your marriage — to stay stuck in a place that’s always looking backward. You deserve much better. You don’t have to pretend nothing happened. But you also don’t have to hand your entire future over to the ghost of one terrible chapter. What happened was real. You can’t take it back. But the good news is that 
what happens next is still being written. And YOU get to write it.

Rebuilding Happens in Small Moments — Not In Grand Gestures:After an affair, it’s tempting to look for some huge, magical moment that will make everything “right” again. A big apology. A grand promise. Some proof that the pain was worth it.But real rebuilding doesn’t usually look like that. It’s way quieter than people think It looks like your spouse answering your texts without delay, you both staying in the hard conversation instead of walking away, one of you reaching for the other’s hand — even after a tense moment and laughter that sneaks back in when you weren’t expecting it.

These little things? They matter more than any dramatic speech or over-the-top gesture.Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight with one big event.It’s rebuilt moment by moment, choice by choice, day by day.

Some Days Will Feel Like You’re Going Backward — That’s Normal: There will be days when you feel like, “We’ve made no progress at all.” Days when you feel tired, resentful, triggered, or just plain over it.Please know: That doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Healing is like walking up a mountain. Sometimes you’ll trip. Sometimes you’ll sit down and cry. Sometimes you’ll even slide backward a little. But as long as you get back up and keep climbing — even slowly — you’re still moving forward.

One bad day doesn’t erase a hundred good ones. One hard conversation doesn’t cancel all the progress you’ve made. And when you’re ready, take one small step forward again.

Give Yourself (and Your Marriage) Permission to Grow Into Something New: A lot of people get stuck because they keep trying to get “back to normal.” But after an affair, there’s no real going back. There’s only building something new – there’s going to be a “new normal.” And honestly? Sometimes that’s a good thing.

Maybe the marriage you had before the affair wasn’t everything either of you needed — even if you didn’t realize it at the time. Maybe this painful, messy, unwanted process can eventually grow into a marriage that’s more honest, more intentional, more connected, and more real.

It might not be completely the same. But it can still be a solid, beautiful, and lasting marriage. I know this because I have that type of marriage now. And my healing was messy and non-linear at times. But we both ultimately hung in there and we are still solidly marriage today. We can read about exactly how I facilitated this on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’ve been through one of the worst emotional earthquakes a marriage can face: an affair.

And let me just say right off the bat — if your marriage has survived the initial blow, that’s already something to acknowledge. I know it might not feel like “surviving” on some days. Some days might still feel like barely hanging on. Some days, it might feel like pretending. Some days, it might feel like a battle between wanting to believe and wanting to run.

That’s totally and perfectly normal. And it’s part of the healing.

One thing I wish someone had told me early on is that healing doesn’t always feel like what you think it will. It’s not a straight, clean, triumphant path where each day gets a little brighter. Sometimes, it seems to get worse and some days it will feel far easier.

A lot of the time, healing is messy. It’s filled with doubts. It’s full of moments where you wonder, “Am I crazy for trying to stay?” or “Will we ever actually be okay again?” It’s filled with times when you wonder what family and friends would think of you if they knew.

But here’s the hopeful part: even when it doesn’t feel like it, there are often small, quiet signs that you’re healing – that your marriage is finding its way back, little by little. You just have to know what to look for. Here are some that I have learned to recognize.

You’re Having More ‘Normal’ Moments Than You Realize: In the beginning after the affair, every moment feels tinged with pain. You can’t look at your spouse without thinking about the affair. You see awful visuals in your mind’s eye. You dream about it. You can’t make small talk without feeling the giant elephant in the room.

But slowly — often without you even noticing — you start having a few “normal” moments again. You laugh at a joke. You watch a show together without thinking about the affair. You talk about dinner or bills or the kids without that sick to your stomach feeling.

At first, these moments might feel wrong or even make you feel guilty — like, “How can I be laughing when we’re still broken?”

But that’s actually what healing often looks like. It’s just everyday, ordinary stuff. And it can feel good after what you’ve been through. It’s the heart remembering how to beat normally again, even if just for a few minutes at a time.

2. You’re Not Obsessively Replaying Every Detail (At Least Not As Much): If you’re anything like me, you probably went through a phase where you replayed everything — every lie, every excuse, every gross assumption — in your mind on a loop. You wanted to understand every little thing. You needed answers.

And I get it. Affairs shatter trust, and your brain works overtime trying to piece the world back together.

But one quiet sign of healing is that the urge to dissect every second of the affair starts to lessen – just a teeny, tiny bit. You don’t have to struggle and strain make it lessen — it just naturally, slowly, doesn’t take up quite as much space in your mind. It’s no longer living there entirely rent-free.

You start finding yourself thinking about your own life, your own needs, and yes, even your future — instead of just living inside the hurt.

3. You’re Actually Genuinely Talking (Even When It’s Awkward or Hard:) Another huge, often overlooked sign of healing is real communication. I’m not talking about fake, surface-level conversation where you both pretend everything’s fine.
I mean the gritty, sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes emotional talks where you tell the truth.
Where you say things like:

• “I still don’t know how to trust you, but I want to try in my own time.”

• “I’m scared we’ll never get back to what we had before.”

• “Some days, I still hate you — and some days, I genuinely miss you.”

Real communication after an affair isn’t pretty or silver-tongued. It’s not always sweet or kind. But if you’re still talking honestly — even if it’s messy — you’re giving yourselves a chance.

Couples that stay silent or avoid the hard conversations tend to drift. Couples who are willing to sit in the discomfort together? They have a shot at real healing – if they want it.

4. You’re Starting to Feel Moments of Genuine Empathy (Even If It’s Tiny:) This one can be complicated — and you might not even like hearing it. But when you start to see even a flicker of empathy for your spouse — when you can recognize that maybe they hate what happened too, maybe they regret hurting you deeply — that’s actually a huge sign. You don’t have to excuse what they did. You don’t have to forget it. You don’t even have to fully forgive yet. (A lightbulb moment for me was seeing my husband as someone who was actually vulnerable and the affair was the result of his desire for validation.)

But being able to acknowledge that your husband is human — flawed, broken, remorseful — shows that your heart is softening. Not for them, but for yourself. Because staying locked in anger forever keeps you stuck.

5. You’re Eventually Thinking About a Future (Even If It’s a Tentative One:) Early after the affair, it’s common to feel like your future together was stolen. Like your marriage as you knew it died. And honestly? In some ways, it did.

But if you find yourself thinking about things (perhaps in the distant future) like planning a trip together or making joint goals, this is a sign that you envision a new marriage.

Because that’s what affair recovery really is: not going back to the old marriage, but carefully, deliberately, building something new. Something honest. Something real.

If You’re Not Seeing These Signs Yet, Please Don’t Panic: Healing after an affair is not a race. It’s not something you can force on a timeline. Some couples see these signs within months. Some take years.You are not failing if it still hurts. You don’t get a report card.  The important thing is to stay open to the possibility that healing can happen — even if you can’t feel it today.

Some days, surviving is enough. Some days, getting out of bed and saying, “I’m still here” is a victory. And sometimes the healing is happening in the background, even when all you can see is the mess.

You are stronger than you think. Your marriage, if both people are willing, can be stronger than you think.
Healing is rarely loud or flashy. It’s quiet, slow and fragile. One step at a time. One day at a time. Baby steps.

This perspective is hard won from someone who has been there. I had to settle for a gradual recovery, but I’m glad I did because it has been lasting. We recovered fully. I share how we did that on my blog at https://suviving-the-affair.

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By: Katie Lersch: You don’t always need a fully detailed confession to know your husband is having an affair. Sometimes, you have evidence, Sometimes, you have a confession from the other woman. And other times, you just know in your gut and no one can convince you otherwise.

The emotional distance doesn’t lie. Nor does all the signs that so clearly point to an affair. But sometimes, no matter how you ask, demand, or plead, he remains mum. And that denial was almost as devastating as the betrayal itself. And it speaks volumes.

Why You Feel Like You Have To Have The Truth: When your husband betrays your trust by cheating, you need to understand exactly why the affair happened. For this type of deep understanding, you need and want clarity. You need something to help you make sense of the confusion and pain swirling inside you.

But when your spouse won’t admit to the affair, you’re left in a kind of emotional limbo. There are big holes in the story. There’s no closure. No acknowledgment. Just silence. Denial. Or worse — the implication that it’s you who’s imagining things. Or the nudge that you are imagining this all in your head and accusing him of something he didn’t do. This is gaslighting, and it can hurt your sanity and self-worth if you let it. Don’t let it.

Why Waiting For A Confession Is A Painful Kind Of Trap: I learned this the hard way – waiting for a confession keeps you stuck and feeling like you are in quicksand. You can’t process. You can’t move forward. You are simply churning water. And then you are stuck thinking about how to handle this on your own  or wondering if you can you come at it in another way.

Is there more evidence you can produce? Or, if you show him how hurt you are, will it change things?

But guess what? Despite all of these attempts on your part, sometimes, the answer to these questions never comes. And the longer you wait and go without an answer, the more powerless you feel.

What You Need To Ask Instead: Sometimes, you have to change the question from: “What are the details of the affair?” to: “What do I need to heal with or without him?”

You Don’t Need Him (Or His Admission) To Focus On Your Own Healing: Don’t let me fool you. An admission helps. It is the gold standard. It allows you to know what you are dealing with and allows you to get accountability, dialogue, and the ability to eventually repair your marriage. But healing is still possible FOR YOU even if you never get the words you’re waiting for FROM HIM.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to start with his honesty (although you would hope that he would eventually offer it.) It can start with your clarity (which you can get from yourself.)

How To Move Forward Without His Cooperation: Despite his refusal to cooperate, you can validate yourself. You know what you’ve gathered. You know what evidence you have. You don’t need anyone else to give you permission to know what you already know.

Don’t focus on him and his silence anymore. Focus on taking back your own control and giving yourself what you need to heal. You may want to seek counseling on your own or give yourself permission to do the things that bring you peace and joy – even if they do not include him.

When he sees you moving forward and acting “as if” he has confessed, the attraction to deny may begin to wane. But if he doesn’t, you don’t need his permission or cooperation.

You Don’t Need Him For Closure: One of the biggest misconceptions about infidelity is that the faithful spouse needs cooperation from the cheating spouse for closure. You don’t. You can create or claim closure for yourself.

You can say to yourself: “I may not know everything, but I deserve and will get healing, peace, and happiness nonetheless on my own.”

Sometimes, that will mean leaving your marriage behind. And sometimes it won’t. You get to choose.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him you are moving forward as if he confessed and then proceed to do exactly that.st

I know this hurts. I know you deserve his honesty. But we don’t always get what we deserve from those we love, so we must give it to ourselves. In my own situation, my husband was reluctant to come totally clean at first, but I figured out how to deal with him – over time to get the entire truth. You can read about my own healing and how I did it on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: There are countless wives who are genuinely trying to move past their husbands’ affair. Many of them have been working hard to forgive, hoping that forgiveness will finally bring some peace or clarity. But sometimes, they hit a wall. They just can’t do it — at least not yet — and then they feel like they’ve somehow failed.

They’ll say things like, “I know I should forgive him, but I just can’t seem to.”

And underneath that confession is a lot of guilt, like they’re doing something wrong. It’s maddening, quite honestly. Because somewhere along the line, they’ve picked up the belief that if they’re not ready to forgive, they’re either not strong enough, not kind enough, or not healing “the right way.” And that’s just nonsense.

Here’s what I want you to hear loud and clear: You’re not failing just because you’re struggling to forgive. You’re normal. And it’s understandable.

Infidelity isn’t just a little bump in the road. It shakes your foundation. It cuts deep. And expecting yourself to offer full and unconditional forgiveness right out of the gate — or even months down the road — isn’t fair to you. It’s pressuring you. It’s shortchanging you.  And if you are not ready, you must protect yourself. Because sometimes, no one else will.

You Don’t Owe Forgiveness On Anyone’s Timeline But Your Own: One of the things I see often is wives putting immense pressure on themselves to forgive — sometimes even more pressure than the outside world is putting on them. That pressure might come from their husband, from family, or even from well-meaning friends who just want to see things “go back to normal.” And sometimes, it’s coming from within — from that little voice that says, “If I were stronger or better, I would’ve forgiven him by now.” Or “I should just get on with this? How long am I going to drag it out? Don’t I want my life back?”

But healing doesn’t work on a schedule. It can’t be forced, and it shouldn’t be rushed. Forgiveness, if and when it comes, needs to be something you give freely — not because you feel obligated, and not because someone else is tired of waiting. You’re allowed to take your time. You’re allowed to need more. And you’re allowed to say, “I don’t know yet, I’ll let you know when it comes. But I am taking more time.”

It’s Okay To Take A “Wait And See” Approach: Sometimes when I talk to wives who haven’t forgiven yet, they’ll say, “I guess that means our marriage can’t be saved.” And I always ask, “Why do you think that?” Almost always, they respond with something like, “Because I haven’t forgiven him — doesn’t that mean I’ve already given up?”

And my answer is almost always no. It doesn’t mean that at all.

You can still be invested in rebuilding. You can still show up. You can still listen to what he has to say. You can still watch him closely and wait. You can still see how you feel from day to day. Forgiveness isn’t a prerequisite to healing or reconciling. It isn’t always either/or.  Sometimes, it comes later — once you’ve had time to observe your husband’s actions, once the shock has settled, and once trust starts to slowly rebuild.  Sometimes, it just takes you seeing – over and over again – that he has done what he said he would, that’s he’d made good on his promises, and he has become your rock once again. It’s fine to want and wait for these things.

It’s completely valid to say, “Let’s see how this plays out.” You’re not closing the door. You’re just choosing to be cautious, which, frankly, is more than reasonable after what you’ve been through.

Your husband might want immediate forgiveness. Most do. Honestly, I would too in his shoes. I’d try to push him, too if I were the cheater.But your job isn’t to make him comfortable — it’s to protect your peace and your heart as you work through this.

If It’s Been A Really Long Time, He’s Shown Himself To Be Steady And Trustworthy, And You Still Can’t Forgive, Ask Yourself Why: Now, sometimes I hear from women who say, “It’s been years (or more) and I still can’t forgive. I want to, but I just can’t get there.”

When that happens, I usually suggest they do a little inner inventory. Ask yourself: What’s missing? What haven’t you received that you still need? Because often, forgiveness is blocked not by unwillingness, but by unmet needs. Your husband may not even know that he’s falling short.

Sometimes, he hasn’t really taken accountability. Or maybe he hasn’t shown lasting change. Maybe he hasn’t made you feel truly safe again. And sometimes — maybe the hardest one — your self-esteem is still in pieces, and you’re trying to forgive while still struggling internally.

If any of that rings true, then forgiveness might require you to speak up, ask for more, or simply wait until you can do the work to feel whole again. Because true forgiveness can’t happen if your needs are still sitting in the background, unmet and unnoticed.

You Set The Pace — Accept Nothing Less: At the end of the day, this is your life. Your marriage. Your healing. You don’t have to meet anyone else’s timeline or expectations. You’re allowed to say, “I’m not there yet, but I’m still here, and that has to be good enough for right now.” That’s powerful. That’s brave. And it’s as honest as you can be.

I say this as someone who’s been through it. Forgiveness didn’t come easy for me, either. In fact, I thought it might never come. But over time, with a lot of self-reflection and effort — both mine and his — I got there. And believe it or not, our marriage is pretty darn solid and I never thought I’d get there, but I sure did.

If you’d like to read the full story, I share it on my blog here: http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: I once knew a heartbroken wife who opened her email and found something no one ever wants to see: a flood of photos from her husband’s affair. Her husband had been involved with a woman he met at the gym—a relationship that lasted around four months. The truth came out when a mutual friend (and fellow gym goer) spotted her husband flirting with the other woman. When the wife confronted him, he didn’t deny it. He came clean and promised to end it right then and there.

At first, she wasn’t sure if she even could stay in the marriage. The betrayal cut deep. She didn’t know if she could ever trust him again—not when he went to the gym, ran errands, or worked late. But after taking some time, really reflecting, and watching how open and remorseful he seemed, she decided to give it another shot. The couple was trying to move forward and find their way—slowly, carefully.

And for a while, things were… sort of okay. The wife even overheard him on the phone breaking it off with the other woman—firm, clear, no wiggle room. He was coming straight home after work, spending all his time with his wife. He hadn’t set foot in the gym since. Because of this, she felt, cautiously, that maybe they were on the path to healing.

But then she opened her inbox. And just like that, everything unraveled again.

Attached were about fifteen photos of her husband and the other woman. Hugging. Kissing. Goofing off. Posing like a happy couple.

And what shattered her wasn’t just what they were doing—it was how he looked. She noted, “He looked so happy. There was this light in his eyes, this genuine smile I haven’t seen in years. Honestly, it tore me apart. It made me wonder if maybe he was actually happier with her than he is with me. And if that’s true… what am I even doing here?”

My heart truly broke for her. What that other woman did? It was cruel. Maybe it was a desperate, last-ditch attempt to break them up. Maybe she wanted to hurt the wife, make her doubt everything, and open a door back into the husband’s life. Or maybe she just wanted to stir up pain for the sake of it because she could. Whatever the motive, it was a gut punch to a woman already trying to rebuild trust from the ground up.

So, what now? What do you even do when something like this lands in your lap out of nowhere?

Here are the things a wife in this situation might think about:

1. Try to Find Out When the Pictures Were Taken

This was the wife’s first move—confronting her husband. He said the pictures were taken weeks before the affair ended, and once she calmed down and thought it through, she realized that made sense. He hadn’t been to the gym since, and he wasn’t in contact with the woman anymore. The timelines matched. The photos weren’t recent.

That helped a little—but only a little. Because even if the pictures weren’t new, the pain they caused was very real and very fresh.

2. Acknowledge the Feelings These Photos Stirred Up

Here’s the thing—just because the affair is over doesn’t mean the healing is done. These photos opened up a whole new wound. The wife found herself wondering if she could ever measure up to the way her husband seemed to look at the other woman. That carefree happiness, that spark—it made her question everything.

These are real fears, and they deserve to be talked about. He deserves the chance to hear her pain and respond to it. And she deserves to be heard.

3. Protect Yourself From Further Contact

The next step was figuring out how to stop this woman from getting through again. The wife didn’t know how the woman had found her email, but that didn’t matter as much as how to block her now.

Most email services let you block senders. If you’re not sure how to do that, reach out to your provider or look up the steps. And if she starts calling? Block those numbers, too. Set a clear boundary: you’re not open to communication, and you won’t let her cause any more damage.

Also? Don’t respond. No matter how tempted you are. She wants a reaction. Don’t you dare give her one.

4. Ask Yourself: Has Anything Really Changed?

I know how hard it is to be hit with something like this when you’re trying to move forward. It feels like a setback, like all your progress has crumbled. But really ask yourself: Has anything actually changed?

Yes, the photos are painful. But they’re from the past—before her husband made the decision to stay and do the work. Since then, he’s been consistent. Honest. Present. He’s doing what he said he would. So while the pain is real, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not committed to the marriage now.

The question is: will she let this sabotage the progress they’ve made? Or can she view it as what it likely is—a cruel attempt to shake her faith and stir up drama?

This situation is hard. No sugarcoating that. But it doesn’t have to undo everything. In the end, the wife gets to decide whether the past will define her future—or if she’ll keep moving forward, on her terms.

Because healing after betrayal isn’t a straight line. It’s messy, it’s emotional, and sometimes it throws you curveballs like this. But if the foundation is strong—and both people are willing to do the work—it can survive.

And in this case? I hoped that it would.  And it did.

I know exactly how this wife felt because I, too, have been the faithful wife. But I ended up the victor, and other woman ended up the loser. And I share exactly how I did that on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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