Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many people assume that when a spouse cheats, he is ready to end his marriage (or is at least is neutral about it. ) The assumption is that he’s no longer invested. Sure, he might make pitiful attempts to hide the affair, but he will not go out of his way to fight for the marriage if he is caught.  That is why it can be a shock for some when a husband claims a desperate sort of love for his spouse and for his marriage.

Here’s what I mean: A wife could say, “when I first caught my husband cheating, he knew that he should not talk to me right away.  I was steaming.  He went to his mother’s because he knew that it would not be pleasant at home.  So he left me alone for a couple of weeks.  He did text me every couple of days and asked how I was.  He never got anything but a one-word response.  Then, about three weeks in, he came to my work and asked me to give him five minutes of my time.  I told him he could have thirty seconds.  We walked into the hall and he said ‘there is no need to make this complicated.  It comes down to this: I was an idiot.  You are all I ever wanted and now I know that I might lose you.  I will do anything and everything if you’d even consider giving me a second chance.’  I shooed him away.  I pretended that his words meant nothing to me.  However, I spent the whole day thinking about what he said.  Everything he’s ever wanted?  How can that be anything but a lie?  If I was ‘everything’ he wanted, then he would have no need to go to anyone else.”

My Take: I certainly understand why you assume that he is lying.  I doubted every claim my husband made after his affair.  He had every reason to lie.  He knew that he faced losing big.  I waited for him to prove his claims to me since talk is cheap.  However, because of my own experience, the research I’ve conducted on this, the counseling I’ve gone through, my interviews with experts, and from watching others go through infidelity, I’ve changed my view.  I do believe people can cheat on those they love deeply (and still very much want.)  Often, this happens because they don’t feel that they are good enough.  Or because they are struggling with something that has nothing to do with their marriage.  Or because they faced an opportunity that they took without thinking.

Now, he is probably not being truthful when he says “you’re everything I want” at the very moment you’re standing there staring daggers at him and spitting anger.  He can’t literally mean that you are exactly how he wants you to be this very second. Obviously, your situation isn’t ideal.  But he may mean that even right now, he’d give anything to have you just as you are rather than not having you at all.

What I Think He Really Means: I hate to put words in someone else’s mouth. But I have learned that men who have just been caught cheating are not the most eloquent of talkers.  They are often going for the phrase that is going to make you stop and pay attention.  They do not always consider their words carefully.  However, their intention may be authentic.  I think that when a man claims some variation on “you’re all I want.”  Or “I wasn’t looking for anything but you,”  what he actually means is some variation on this: “Moving forward, my greatest desire would be to keep our relationship, but to leave behind the distrust and damage that I know my actions have caused.”  What he is saying is that, in a perfect world, he would like to erase the damage.  He wishes that he would have realized what he had before he put it all at risk. Now, he just wants it back. If he had it, he would value it and finally give it the appreciation that it deserves.

I am not advocating for a cheating husband. I am just trying to dissect his words so that you might see that he’s not straight up lying. The “you’re everything I want” is a phrase of regret. It’s saying “I probably can’t have what I want because I messed up. But I want you to be aware that now, when it may be too late, I’m fully aware of what I had.”

This is (and can feel) so heartbreakingly ironic. Why does one have to almost lose something before they truly see what it meant? None of this means that you have to care about his claims or that you have to accept them as truth. None of this may matter to you. I’m just trying to clarify what he may actually mean.

Considerations: Regret can propel a person to take actionable measures to try to right their wrong. However, sometimes, for the faithful spouse, it is too little too late. Sometimes, the act of the affair is always going to overshadow any and all acts of redemption and rehabilitation. In other words, it doesn’t matter what the cheating spouse does to make this right. It’s all in vain. It will never matter because only the cheating matters.

I believe that everyone has an absolute right to respond in the way that is authentic for them. Some people are able to move on because the marriage is more important to them than the mistake. Others are never able to do so. Some may sincerely try to make it work and find that they can not. Everyone is different. Every situation is different.

Do what is ultimately right for you. But understand that he may not be lying to you. He may be trying to tell you that now, when it may be too late, he sees your worth. He knows what he had. And he’d desperately like to have it back. But he doesn’t know if you are going to give him that chance. I know that this is what my own husband was stumbling over himself to say in the weeks or months after the affair.  But he often got tongue-tied.  And it all came out wrong.  That’s why I eventually allowed his actions to do the talking.  You can read more about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Finding out your spouse has cheated is hard enough without him justifying his actions or pretending he did nothing wrong.  Unfortunately, since it is human nature to want to defend oneself (especially with a colossal mistake like cheating) this might be what you get.

At least initially, you may have an indignant spouse who vigorously defends his actions.  He may claim the affair meant nothing.  Or he may say you can’t blame him, considering the state of your marriage.  He may even initially pretend that he doesn’t consider the affair to be a mistake. Very often, he comes out swinging. He wants to come from a place of strength rather than weakness.  He knows the stance he takes right now will set the tone going forward.  He’s hoping his strong stance will help him avoid a long, drawn-out battle.

Thankfully, when you respond with your own strength, he may figure out that his aggressive stance will fail.  Also, as time passes and the affair is truly over, he may gain some important perspective. Once he has space and distance to see things more clearly, he may realize that he made a huge blunder.  But what, exactly, might he do with this realization?

Someone might say, “I believe it is finally hitting my husband that he has had made a grave mistake by cheating on me.  At first, he acted like it wasn’t a big deal and that it was justified since I’ve been caring for my mother and ‘neglecting’ him.  I quickly let him know that this wouldn’t fly.  Lately, he has been a bit less defensive and a little more involved in our household.  He’s been helping a little with my mother’s care and I think he now realizes how hard I have been working.  I believe he now feels remorse. But he certainly hasn’t admitted that his affair was a mistake and I really don’t expect that he will. I am wondering what is the most that I can expect in terms of his behavior?  If he’s truly realized that cheating on me was wrong, how should he behave?”

You may have already seen evidence of his new realization.  His willingness to help with your mother shows empathy and suggests that he still considers himself a part of the family and the household. Still, you need to be firm right now.  If you don’t clarify that you want and expect to see certain behaviors, he may not allow you to see them.  Here are behaviors typical of a cheater who finally realizes he has made a mistake.

Shame And Embarrassment: Cheating on someone you love is not a small flub.  It’s not an innocent oversight.   Cheaters willingly turn away from what they know is right to deceive the person who least deserves it.  Having someone you respect learn the truth about this huge blunder is embarrassing.  You know that you’ve hurt and disappointed the most important person in your life and that’s shameful.  Plus, you’ve done it over temporary sex, an intimate act that you should have saved for your significant other. Any decent person will feel deep shame over this.

Desperation And The Negative Behaviors That Follow: Sometimes, when the seriousness of their mistake dawns on a cheater, he will begin to panic.  He may see that you will not give him a pass.  He may realize that you may divorce him and this will affect his kids and his wallet.  He now faces the reality of losing his life partner.  He likely knows he doesn’t deserve your loyalty, and you’d be completely justified in cutting your losses.  And this might be when you actually see negative behavior. He may suddenly feel huge amounts of anger – at himself.  But he may not freely admit this.  So you may see self-destructive behavior and frustration.

Self Sabotage:  Often, when a person knows you’d be justified in leaving them because of their embarrassing behavior, they do things to challenge you.  They’ll engage in the behavior that makes what they fear more likely.  For example, he may pick a fight and then say “well it doesn’t matter.  We all know you will leave me anyway.”  He’s actually hoping that you’ll stand by him, but he provokes you to test you first. He’s desperately hoping his assumptions are wrong.

A Sincere Wish To Make It Up To The Person You Love:  I so often hear both the cheating and the faithful spouse say, “I wish there was something I could do about this.  I wish that I could change things.”  Well, the cheating spouse CAN change things.  He can become the spouse he knows he SHOULD be.  He can become the honest, loyal, and faithful spouse he should have been before he cheated.  If his wife is generous enough to put her faith in him, he can make it so that she won’t regret it, since he will work tirelessly to justify her good faith effort.

Acknowledgement Of Wrongdoing: It may bring you relief to see your husband acting like he is part of the family again.  With any luck, he may even attempt affection.  But he shouldn’t just assume your married life will return to normal without his sitting you down and acknowledging this is 100% his fault. Ideally, you want to hear something like, “I know that I was originally defensive about the affair, but that was a mistake.  Because the affair was a mistake.  I should not have betrayed you when you needed me.  I should have been lightening your load by helping with your mother rather than making this situation worse.  I hope that you can forgive me one day.  In the meantime, I will make this up to you.”

A Willingness To Make A Deal:  Once the cheater drops all pretenses, admits his mistake, and acknowledges that he doesn’t want to end the relationship, he will often offer to make a deal with you. He’ll ask to tell him what you want to stay together or to give him one more chance.  This is your golden opportunity.  Don’t blow this.  Now is the time to think very hard about exactly what you need and then define it very carefully.  If you want him to go to counseling, tell him.  If you need his reassurance, tell him.  If you’re struggling with trust, speak up.  In my experience, this is as good as it will get.  So once he gets to this place, you need to pounce and define exactly what it will take to move forward.  Don’t be shy. Don’t ask for less than you deserve. Lay it out because, with luck and healing, you will be living with it for years to come.  This actually isn’t as easy as it sounds.  It took me several attempts until I finally got a firm handle on what I needed and expected from my husband.  It was worth the effort, though, because now I am at peace with our reconciliation.  There’s more about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Although the target audience of this article is the spouse who cheated, I suspect the faithful spouse is reading it. Why? Because it is usually the faithful spouse who seeks the information to help her heal. The cheating spouse doesn’t necessarily want to read about a topic that hits so close to home. It’s painful to face the consequences of your actions or to understand how deeply you have hurt someone else.

Despite the pain, I firmly believe that understanding the affair’s effects on all involved is vital to healing. You can’t fix it until you know just how deep it runs. So in the following article, I will outline how the discovery of infidelity changes you.

If you are the faithful spouse, these changes are already familiar, but you may find validation in seeing them in black and white. (And I’d suggest showing this article to your spouse.) I hope this article helps someone understand the challenges the faithful spouse must face.

1. You Question Your Own View Of Reality: The faithful spouse juggles two very different realities. She must now contrast the marriage she thought she had with what she actually had. These two things may look extremely different in the light of day. She may wonder if she willingly ignored any warning signs or if her husband was skilled at hiding them. Either way, she’s now painfully aware that she was living in a fake reality.

2. Your Inability To Trust Extends Beyond Your Husband: Losing trust in your husband is a given, but you also begin to distrust friends, family, and even co-workers. You wonder if any of these people knew about (or suspected) the affair and kept this information from you. Then you ponder the prevalence of infidelity and conclude that the universe is filled with cheaters. As a result, you can see the world as a dishonest and corrupt place, which leads me to the next change.

3. You Become Paranoid: You see dishonestly around every corner. You assume that every instance of tardiness or distraction means repeat cheating. You worry that the nice waitress in search of a tip is after your husband. You continuously ruminate on the worst-case scenario because you can’t stop yourself.

4. You Feel Both Emotional And Physical Pain: I thought I’d developed severe arthritis after my husband’s affair. Suddenly, my back and knees ached. My pain wasn’t because of any medical condition. The weight of the tension and grief I carried caused physical symptoms. Lack of sleep meant my concentration waned.  I struggled so much emotionally and physically that it was difficult to put one foot in front of the other.

5. You Refuse To See The Good In Yourself: It’s not difficult to understand why a faithful spouse would struggle with self-esteem. When your spouse turns to another woman, you think you are ugly, old, and faulty. Friends, family, and therapists will all come to your defense and insist that you are wonderful. They will kindly point out all of your attributes. But, you’ll refuse to believe them.  You figure that if you were so great, your husband wouldn’t have cheated.

6. You Want To Love Again, But You’re Terrified: Many people assume that the faithful spouse enjoys wallowing in the misery that follows an affair. Nothing is further from the truth. You want to feel normal again as soon as possible. You want love in your life again – whether that comes from your husband or from someone else. But you fear a repeat of this pain. You worry about your ability to evaluate trustworthiness. You wonder if the taint of this affair will follow you to your next relationship.

7. You Suspect That Everyone Pities You: We all want to think of ourselves as strong and competent. However, when your spouse cheats on you, the world can see you as a pitied victim. No one wants to be viewed as “less than” because of someone else’s mistakes.

8.  You Want To Believe In Apologies: Often, the cheating spouse assumes that you’re rejecting his apologies as punishment.  In truth, you’d love to believe in his genuine sorrow and remorse. But you worry that his sorrow comes from detection rather than regret.

9. You May Consider Cheating In Retaliation: You now look at the office flirt a little differently. You may have ignored him before, but now wonder how it would feel to give your spouse a taste of his own medicine. Any cheating spouse who assumes that the faithful spouse doesn’t have options is mistaken. Don’t assume that integrity is a weakness.

10. You Don’t Want To Settle For Less: Cheating spouses who fantasize that you will tire of your anger and eventually let him off the hook are wrong. You know who is at fault. You know that you deserve better than this. You should wait for as long as it takes to obtain genuine remorse and lasting rehabilitation.

I hope that this article has validated the faithful spouse and has educated the cheating spouse.  There’s more about how I healed after my own husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Restoring intimacy is one of the biggest concerns that wives have during affair recovery.  Many worry that their marriage will never feel special or particularly bonded again.  How could it when a spouse has thrown it all away over someone he barely knew?

A wife in this situation might say, “I have not yet decided what I want to do after my husband’s affair.  In a perfect world, I would try to save my marriage.  But I honestly wonder if that same marriage will ever be the same.  I used to take a great deal of pride because my marriage felt ‘special.’  I’ve known my husband for most of my life.  He was in the military and stationed overseas.  We spent apart the early years of our marriage apart and we wrote so many intimate letters.  When I read those letters today, my face gets hot.  The couple in the letters seem like strangers.  My husband and I never took one another granted because of this.  We got to know one another so deeply through the written word.  We have stuck together through some very hard times.  We can finish one another’s sentences.  I confide in my husband more than my parents or girlfriends. I felt that we had a deep, spiritual connection you don’t see every day.  But he ruined that.  He cheated and he lied when I caught him.  He lied to cover it up.  I wonder if he is still lying.  I know that it would take much time and effort to get my marriage back.  But would it be worth the effort if it was never the same marriage anyway?  I don’t want dead marriages like some of my girlfriends.  If this is what I have to accept, then I’d rather not bother.  Is it possible for your marriage ever to feel special again after an affair?”

I can’t lie to you.  It is possible.  But it is difficult.  If I’m being honest with myself, there are days when I feel like my husband, and my marriage, is very special.  I feel deeply bonded to him.  We do finish each other’s sentences.  And sometimes, I actually feel that the affair had some benefits.  I wouldn’t repeat it, though.  I wish it had never happened.  But it made our marriage stronger and it means that we are hyper-vigilant about checking in with one another.  That said, there are occasionally bad days where I don’t feel all that special at all.  But again, just being honest here, I had those days BEFORE the affair.  This is just part of life.  Marriages have ebbs and flows.  Mine is still this way, but I’m still grateful to be in it.  Here are tips that helped us to restore the “special” feeling or intimacy.

Hole Up:  I know that some of us vow not to allow the affair disrupt our lives any more than it necessary.  I know that it is tempting to pretend that nothing is wrong and to go with the status quo.  But I found it helpful to be private about (and protective of) my marriage when I was in recovery.  We stayed home.  We wrapped a cocoon around ourselves.  We spent many, many nights just sitting side by side.  Eventually, we spent many nights talking.  Once that started, it was like a dam burst and we couldn’t stop.  Early in the process, I had no idea if I would stay married, but it was reassuring to know we could still talk.  I considered communication a strength of our marriage and I was glad that didn’t just vanish.

Navigate A New Normal:  You can not expect things to feel “normal” right away.  In fact, it can take far longer than you wish.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t plow forward anyway.   Things may feel different.  Things may feel wrong.  There will likely be pain and confusion.  Take it one day at a time.   You will stumble some before you find your footing.  You may have to accept awkward togetherness for a while.  In time, though, you will see slight improvement and, very gradually, you will have a new normal.  This is when you can start to let down your guard just a bit. And eventually, the intimacy can be rebuild once th vulnerability begins.

Slow And Steady:  Let’s be honest.  One aspect of a “special” marriage is time and familiarity.  You know your husband better than anyone because you have known him for a long, long time.  You’re very close because you’ve stood by one another in difficult times.  This history is well-earned.  Now, you are sort of starting over and resetting your marriage.  So you will have to re-create a new chapter history.  The affair doesn’t negate your past.  Your husband’s positive history with you won’t be erased.  But post-affair, you will begin to build new memories.  Try very hard to make good ones.  It’s easy to associate pain with the recovery.  This is normal, but it’s helpful to also try to create positive memories.  Even if you don’t know what tomorrow may bring, take the trip you’ve been putting off.  Say what you really mean.  And then just know that the rest will take some time.

We all want quick and easy “fixes.”  As much as I would like for this to be the answer, it isn’t.  You want to try and have an open mind and a wait-and-see attitude.  You remember that this is the man who has stood by your side through thick and thin.  And then you hold hands, do your very best, and see what happens.  Some days, things may feel better.  Other days may be a struggle.  But you show up because that “special” marriage you have is valuable enough that you suspect you want to fight for it.

And yes, you can have it.  But it may take time and massive amounts of patience and determination.  And you may have good and bad days even after recovery.  I still consider my marriage special because we are both still here and we both still want to be. You can read more about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many wives dealing with infidelity want their cheating husbands to feel the whole gauntlet of negative emotions – shame, embarrassment, guilt, and remorse.  They want for him to be very displeased with himself and horrified by behaviors.  However, once everyone begins to focus on recovery, the wife begins to wonder which of these emotions are healthier (or more desirable) in terms of preventing repeat cheating and in successfully moving on.

She might say, “for the past two months, my husband and I have done much talking and soul-searching in an attempt to recover from his affair.  At first, he was very defensive and indignant.  He made excuses.  He tried to justify his behavior. I pushed back and insisted that he needed to take full responsibility for his actions.  I stressed that his stupidity has put our family at risk.  I told him that in two years we may well be divorced or even remarried to other people, simply because he would not accept that he made a huge mistake.  He finally broke down and admitted that he feels deep shame and remorse.  Of course, I tried to probe deeper with this.  I wanted to know exactly what he was feeling and WHY he felt remorse or shame.  He said that he’s basically embarrassed that he could be so stupid and he feels remorse because he desperately wishes that none of this had happened.  Is this good enough? Is it better for a man to feel shame or remorse?  Can I believe what he says?”

Only you can define what is “good enough.”  What matters is what YOU consider sufficient to put your mind at ease so that you feel safe investing in your marriage again.  Below, I’ll tell you my take on what I believe are some key differences between remorse and shame and which might be a healthier or a more efficient response.

Shame Is The Guilty Party’s Reaction To Exposure: Honestly,  I most often see a cheating spouse feel shame or embarrassment when they either THINK about being caught or when they actually are caught.  This is their reaction to people knowing about their mistake.  They fret about people’s judgments toward them and therefore are embarrassed at their foolish behavior.  They are afraid of the potential consequences – a potential loss in status, a price to pay, and people’s changing opinions on who they really are and what they really stand for.  This is more of an external reaction than an internal one – which leads me to my next point.

Remorse Is The Guilty Party’s Internal Reaction.  It Is A Disappointment In Themselves:  I find that cheaters feel remorse when they know in their hearts that having an affair goes against their moral code.  This is internal. It is a battle that they have within themselves. They can feel intense guilt even when they are not at risk of being caught.  They know that they are better than this and that cheating on someone they love goes against all that they stand for.  Much of the time, they cannot believe that they have behaved in this way and they are very disappointed in themselves.  They wonder if they are truly the person who they believed themselves to be. They are fully aware that they have made (or are making) a mistake.  And although they may try to feign indignance or justification for their actions, deep down, they know that there is really no valid reason for cheating. They KNOW, without any doubt, that they are at fault.  They may try to make their spouse believe otherwise.  But they know that this is all on them.

So Which Is Better?: I believe that although both remorse and shame will make a person think twice about cheating again, remorse can be a bigger deterrent. People who only feel shame may simply try to cover their tracks better the next time.  If they can keep from being caught, they may not have to feel shame again.

In contrast, the husband who feels genuine remorse will know that he will have the same negative emotions the second he cheats again.  This will be true whether he is caught or not because HE will know that he has done and HE will know that once again, he has gone against his moral compass. Once again, he has let down his family, those he loves, and even worse, himself.  This negative type of self-awareness stays with you, even when you aren’t thinking about the reactions of others.  That is why I think that remorse is more persuasive than shame

Why Labeling Isn’t the Most Helpful Course Of Action:  Honestly, any thought that the affair was a mistake or a wish to take it back is a positive thing. Frankly, there are some husbands who will NEVER admit that they regret the affair.  They keep right on defending themselves no matter what. Also, it often takes some time (and many honest conversations) for a husband to understand the depth of the damage that he has caused.  This will sometimes intensify his remorse and shame.  Both can be very negative and painful emotions that he wants to avoid in the future. So both can be effective deterrents to a future affair.

I would not worry so much about how your husband is labeling his feelings.  Whether he is calling it guilt, remorse, shame, or embarrassment, he is basically telling you that he wishes he’d never have an affair and that he knows that it was a mistake.  This is an important start and it’s nice to hear this. But what is more important are his actions going forward.  Is he willing to stop any risky behaviors?  Is he willing to work with you to strengthen and heal your marriage?  Is he willing to be accountable and to give you what you need to move forward?  A man can use all types of words to express his regret.  But what he actually DOES about that regret is the most important thing.  Changing his behaviors is much more important than his choice of words.

While it is encouraging to hear him label and discuss his regret, he needs to further than this for both of your sakes.  The good news is that shame and regret can be the driving force that he needs to go even further. I was actually very happy that my husband was overwhelmed with guilt.  I didn’t feel sorry for him.  However, guilt only took us so far.  We needed a workable and effective plan to actually recover.  You can read more about how we compromised to find the plan that worked for us at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives struggle with more than one issue when their husband has an affair. If his cheating isn’t bad enough, some husbands are reluctant to end it. To these husbands’ credit, at least they aren’t lying and promising that the affair is over when they know that it is not. Instead, they are honestly telling their wives that they are not sure what they want just yet. They are dragging their feet about breaking it off, even though they are often still living with their wives and children.

Needless to say, the wife understandably wants the affair to end at once. This can be true even if she is sure that she will end up divorced anyway. But, she can not stand the thought of her husband continuing on with the affair right under her nose. It is completely disrespectful and not healthy for anyone. Unfortunately, although she may try many strategies and approaches to encourage him to break it off, he often stops just short of doing so.

This leaves the wife wondering if she should play the very last card she has – her children. Many wives consider telling the husband that she will limit his access to the kids, or worse, she will tell the kids about the cheating – unless he stops this right now. She might say, “My husband truly doesn’t seem to care about what I want right now. I can tell that he is very embarrassed to be caught cheating and that he is very sorry that he has hurt me, but I still can not get him to commit to breaking off the affair. He promises that he wants to and says that he eventually will, but he insinuates that right now, things are volatile. Well, how are they not volatile at home? Our kids don’t know anything, but what would happen if they did? I am considering threatening to tell the kids about the affair. My husband may not care about what I want, but he cares very deeply what his kids think of him. Whatever his shortcomings, I must admit that he is an outstanding father. He would not want the kids to know that he is a cheater. Still, I feel like this would be a low blow. Should I involve the kids in this if it might save our family?”

I understand why this is a tempting strategy. Having someone else on your side would feel validating. And the kids might be the only people on earth who could get your husband to take immediate action. But I still do not think this is a good idea. Here is why.

Your Children Are Truly Innocent And Should Remain So: Although your husband may deserve any fallout that comes his way, your children do not. Your husband has made a grave mistake, but your children should not pay the price for this. I believe that if you tell them, the innocent perception that they have of their father may change. There may come a day when you reconcile with your husband. But your children will never be able to forget about your husband’s mistake. This declaration will never be forgotten and you can never take it back.

My parents had a pretty nasty divorce. My mother bad-mouthed my father endlessly. As a result, my relationship with him was diminished until I was well into my adult years. I firmly believe that this affected my relationships when I was a teen and a young adult. My mother couldn’t have known that her actions would hurt me in the way that they did. But I would never, ever, want this for my own children. I doubt that anyone would.

That is why I never told my kids about my husband’s affair. Any hardships within my own marriage were mine alone.  This was not my childrens’ burden to bear. And I am never going to tell them about their father’s mistake because I know that having a strong relationship with both parents is in their best interest. If my husband and I had divorced because he refused to end the affair, I would still feel the same way about this. Children should never be punished for their parents’ mistakes.

Consider Alternatives That Make Him Think But Do Not Involve Your Children: I completely understand needing a stimulus for your husband to end the affair. And I don’t think you’d be outside of your rights to ask him how his mother, his sister, or his kids would feel IF they knew about his behavior. But you should never actually threaten to tell any of these people because following through with it would unleash some very negative consequences when there is already more than enough of that.  You can also tell him that he will not be enjoying any of the benefits of marriage while he is still cheating.

You are absolutely justified in being furious with your husband and with wanting to pull out all the stops. But children should never be part of that. In truth, everyone but your husband and the other woman are innocent in this. No one else made the decision to cheat. Unfortunately, you are pulled into this because his cheating affects your marriage. However, it does not affect his being your children’s father. He will always have that role no matter what. Having a strong relationship with both parents is a gift that you can give your children. One should not taint that with the ugliness of this affair.

Let your children remain innocent of the issues within their parents’ marriage. Your marriage should not be their problem. I know what you are thinking – that if your marriage should end because of this affair, then it will become your children’s problem. This may be so. But why give them a problem any earlier than you need to?

Sometimes, time is all that is needed here. Many husbands eventually come to their senses. They break it off, beg for forgiveness, and even plod through counseling or self-help. Eventually, they emerged with a scarred, but saved, marriage and both spouses are happy and relieved that they never allowed their children to be hurt by a situation from which they could be protected.

I have been furious at my husband due to his affair. I have at times thought that my kids would have a broken family. However, now that we have managed to remain a family and are pretty much okay, I am extremely grateful that I never allowed the affair to hurt my children. They didn’t deserve that. And I will be forever grateful that my husband and I worked together to ensure that our issues won’t follow them into their own marriages. You can read more about our recovery here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, when a wife catches her husband having an affair, she very understandably kicks him out of the house. This is often an intuitive response that the wife does not consider very deeply or for very long. She only knows that she wants him out of her site immediately. Because of her understandable shock and anger, she does not consider where her husband is going to end up. Much of the time, she does not care. However, unfortunately, some of these same husbands end up at the other woman’s place – at least for the short term. Some of them will claim they weren’t sure where else to go. Others do it out of revenge or anger. Still others do it because they can. It usually does not last, but of course, it matters deeply to the wife, especially when the husband eventually decides that he wants to come back home.

She might explain, “my husband initially claimed that the other woman meant nothing to him. But once I kicked him out, he eventually ended up at her house. When I became infuriated by this, he sprung for a hotel room. He swears that he is no longer seeing her. He says that he only stayed there for a short time to figure out what he wanted to do (since I made it clear that I (and our marriage) were not an option for him.) However, now he is begging me to at least consider letting him come back home. He says he will sleep on the couch and that the hotel is getting expensive. Well, he should have thought of all of this before he cheated. Honestly, the thing keeping me from considering his return is the fact that he went to the other woman. To me, that is very disrespectful and isn’t the behavior of a man who cares about his marriage. He says his going there was just a matter of convenience. One of my friends says that I should at least be keeping an eye on him. I’m not sure what to do.”

Considering The Consequences: I am unsure if anyone can make this decision for you, but I can certainly understand your reservations. If you let your husband just come back home with very little consequences, is he actually going to think twice if he considers cheating again? Also, if you just quickly let him back into your home, what is his incentive to go to counseling, get himself together, and do the work to make sure that your decision to let him back in is the correct decision?

I will admit, I did not divorce my own husband, but he did stay with family members for a while. I just could not have him under the same roof when things were fresh. Did I worry he would cheat again or continue to cheat? I suppose so, but I had bigger worries at the time, like my children and my own well being. I figured if he did either of those things, then I would then have a very firm answer as to whether I should give him another chance. Obviously, if he couldn’t stay faithful when times were difficult, how would he stay faithful when things were easier if we reconciled?

Requirements For Admission: After a while, because of my kids, I did allow him to stay at the house. However, many things had to happen before I allowed this. He had to attend counseling with me, answer all my questions, participate in self-help (of my choosing) become accountable, make himself an open book, etc. I know that these requirements were not fun for him, but I needed to see his willingness to do these things in order to begin repairing our marriage. Even when he was staying at our home, he was not sleeping in my bed and we were not functioning as a married couple. He was there to give our children continuity. I will admit that it was much easier to keep an eye on him when he was under the same roof as I was, but babysitting was not the purpose of this decision. However, everyone is different.

Again, I cannot make this call, but I would suggest that if you are considering allowing him to reside under your roof, that you consider requirements for the same. One would be that he has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the other woman. The other would be that he enthusiastically participates in the rehabilitation events of your choosing. You’re not trying to be a traffic cop here or a parent who is putting him in time out, but you need to see that he is willing to make a very strong effort to begin to make this right.

My thinking was always that my husband needed to earn his way back into my life and into my marriage. I am not sorry for this because these requirements allowed me to see that he was actually very sincere. Waiting allowed me to see that he wasn’t just going to act a certain way in the short term and then change his behavior once he got his way. Many of the activities that we participated in were painful and very unpleasant, but these things were necessary to begin to rebuild the trust. On the plus side, many activities WERE very pleasant and eventually allowed us to reconnect and to have fun together again.

I have no regrets about taking my husband back gradually. This was the right decision for my family and for myself. But I would not have felt comfortable allowing him to come back immediately. I needed to see his sincerity and I had to believe that he was done with the other woman. (The whole story is here: http://surviving-the-affair.com)

I do not think that there is any harm in giving this a little time to make sure that you are comfortable that your husband is actually over the affair. And then, perhaps as I did, you could allow him back into your life gradually, as you gain some comfort. That way, both people see compromise and effort.

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are so angry about their husband’s infidelity, that they can’t stand the sight of him or the thought of him living under the same roof. So, they kick him out of the house. But, with that accomplished, many wonder what should happen afterward. They aren’t sure if they should continue to limit their access and communication with their spouse or if they should respond to his attempts at communication.

I heard from a wife who said: “as soon as I found out my husband cheated on me with a woman who he knows that I despise, I immediately kicked him out of the house. Since that time, he has called me constantly. Last night, he came by and knocked on the door. All of his messages are various attempts at an apology. I really don’t have much of a desire to talk to him right now. But my friend says she thinks that it might be a mistake to continue to completely ignore him indefinitely. I am not sure what to do. I feel like if I make it too easy for him to talk to me, then he won’t be as remorseful as he should be. I want to scare him and make him think that he might lose me. Should I ignore him right now?”

This is a difficult question to answer. I understand that you don’t want to make this easy on him. I also understand that you likely don’t want to hear his voice right now. But, to the extent that you can, you need to at least somewhat determine what you might want to happen in the future. Because how you act right now might have some influence on it. Below, I will discuss some things that you might want to consider.

Know That Ignoring Him For Too Long Could Run Counter To What You Truly Want:

Further exchanges with this wife indicated that somewhere down the road, she might like to save her marriage. But only if her husband was truly remorseful and was willing to do what was necessary to restore the trust and to make this right again.

So while not allowing her husband unlimited access to her was probably a decent idea (because it would encourage that remorse she wanted,) completely ignoring him indefinitely probably wasn’t. Think about it this way. If you ignore him for a time period that seems to be an eternity to him, he may eventually lose hope and give up. And when he gives up, what is to keep him from going back to the other woman because she is the only option available to him?

I am not saying this to you to scare you or to insinuate that you need to open the lines of communication before you are ready to do so, but I am trying to make you aware that there is some risk involved if you want to eventually save your marriage and you play this game for too long.

An Alternative To Ignoring Him That May Work A Bit Better:

As I said before, the wife’s strategy to inspire some remorse seemed logical to me. I felt this same way after my own husband’s infidelity. But don’t go too far with this or you will discourage what you are really hoping to accomplish.

A better alternative might be to delay him but to also offer some hope that you will be in touch when you are ready to speak with him. So my suggestion would be that the next time he calls or comes by, stop for a minute and address him. You might consider saying something like: “I appreciate your calling and reaching out to me, but right now, I am just not ready to talk about this. Things are still so fresh and I need some time to process this and to evaluate how I want to proceed. I am sure that I am going to have a lot of questions for you in the future, but right now, I am just not ready to have that conversation. I am still incredibly angry and shocked, so any conversation that we have is probably not going to be productive anyway. Give me a little time and I will contact you when I am ready to talk about it.”

Then pause and listen. Your husband might just start arguing his case because he finally has your attention. Whether you want to listen is up to you. You might say “I hear what you are saying and we can talk about this more in the future. But right now, I am just not ready to talk about it. I will contact you when I am.”

This conversation will do a couple of things for you. Now he knows that you are not going to ignore him forever so there is no reason for him to give up hope. But he also knows that him coming home or that any reconciliation is going to happen on your timeline so that you are still encouraging his remorse.

To me, this seems like a better solution than ignoring him altogether when sometime in the future, you may choose to save your marriage. Of course, no one can predict the future but it is nice to have options that are still open once you come to a decision.

My husband and I briefly lived apart after his affair because I needed some time to myself.  However, I was careful to keep in touch with my husband occasionally as I didn’t want to take things too far.  In the end, I decided that I would always regret it if I didn’t at least try to reconcile with him.  It wasn’t an easy process but it was worth it in the end.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  For many wives, the one thing that might make an affair bearable is a husband who is immediately remorseful and who commits to doing whatever he needs to do in order to stay married. There is still the aftermath of the affair to contend with, but at least you are not having to wonder if he is going to leave you or flee the marriage because of the other woman.  At least the choice of what happens to your marriage is yours – YOU get to decide if the marriage deserves a second chance.  Unfortunately, not all wives are this lucky.  Some husbands are so confused or flustered by the affair that they won’t make any firm decisions –  about the wife, about the marriage, or about the affair.  He won’t make a firm commitment to anything – or anyone – which can be maddening.

One of these wives might say, “I was incredibly shocked when I found out about my husband’s affair.  I actually thought that bit of bad news was the bottom, but I was wrong.  The bad news was only starting.  Although I assumed that my husband would break off the affair and begrudgingly go to counseling with me, I was wrong.  He basically used every delay tactic that he could until he finally told me that he wasn’t sure what – or who – he wanted.  He said he needs time to sort out how he truly feels but he is not sure that he can say goodbye to the other woman forever. I could not believe what I was hearing.  So I asked, ‘are you saying that you will not commit to your own wife?’  His response was that this was not what he was saying – at least in the long run.  But he was saying that in the short term that he wasn’t going to commit to anything right now because he needed more time to let things settle and to sort things out.  I have told many friends about this and they say that I would be crazy not to cut my losses right now.  I just do not know how to take his hesitation.  Do people ever change their mind when they won’t commit to their spouse after an affair?  And would it even be worth it to wait?  I will always remember his reaction and I will always hold it against him.”

It Is Possible That Your Husband Will Eventually Make Friends With Reality: I will admit that if you chose to go forward, there will be much to overcome, but it is not impossible.  Many people live in an alternate reality when they are having an affair.  And it can take some time to come down off of that and live in the real world once again.  However, once the affair cools, ends, or starts to live in actual reality, then spouses eventually come back down to earth and, with any luck, are eventually embarrassed and ashamed about what a fool they have been.

It is at this time when you get the remorseful spouse who makes all sorts of promises.  Granted, in the above situation, this won’t happen when it should have and it may come much too late, but it CAN happen in this delayed way.  And when it does, then the couple just goes through rehabilitation (as they would have earlier.) Only the husband will now also have his hesitation to also overcome and make up to his wife.

(Of course, it is up to the wife if she thinks that it is too late and if she wants to give him that opportunity.)

Suggestions For Handling This Issue In The Here And Now: What if you are not at that place of reckoning yet and your husband is dragging his feet? Tell him that this is his decision, but you cannot participate in all aspects of marriage if there are going to be three people in it.  That means no sex.  No cooking his meals.  No doing errands or tasks on his behalf.  No more emotional work on his behalf – only on yours.  Tell him that he is free to take his time, but he will not enjoy the benefits of marriage simultaneously.

In the meantime, stress that you, too, will be taking time off and that you too, will be deciding what you want and what is best for you.  Then, do exactly that.  Seek counseling.  Pursue self-help.  Surround yourself with supportive, non-judgemental people who are only worried about your wellbeing and happiness. Do whatever you can to restore your own confidence and self-esteem so that when you do interact with your husband, you can do with confidence and swagger.  He needs to know that you completely believe that if he ultimately doesn’t choose you or the marriage, then it was his loss, not yours.  If he is too dull to realize what a gem he has in you, then there is really no help for him.

I know that it is tempting to try to shame him or argue with him in the hopes that he will change his mind.  But this comes off as desperate and not confident.  Act as if you know that you are going to be fine either way.  Because it is he that is making a grave mistake.  You have done nothing wrong.    There is no need to act as if you have.  He is the one who ultimately should be remorseful and apologetic, not you.  Once he is, you can decide if it is enough at that time.  But you do not have to decide that now.  Simply tell him to let you know when he makes up his mind.  But in the meantime, you are going to continue living your life. You can make any long-term decisions once he is able to give you all of the information.  In the meantime, you can follow your own interests and invest in your own strength because this can only benefit you and, by prioritizing your own needs, you are not treading water waiting on him to make up his mind.

It took a while after the discovery of my husband’s affair for both of our feelings and intentions to be clear and to be laid on the table.  Both of us postured quite a bit.  We both wanted to maintain our marriage, but neither wanted to look like the only one trying.  It took us a while to get past this, but once we did, we did stay together and are both happy about it.  It was very, very important for me to restore my own self-esteem. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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